despre

Stuff Christians Like

33 Fantastical Christian Resolutions!

by

The new year is upon us.

And with it, new resolutions!

This year, I thought I would help you out by creating:

33 Fantastical Christian Resolutions!

  1. You will not use “love on” as a verb.
  2. You will try your best to ignore typos in the worship music.
  3. You will admit that God probably uses a Mac.
  4. You will wear less skinny jeans, the pockets of which you could not get a tic tac into if you had a crowbar.
  5. You will stop using “Just sayin'” as a “get out of jerk” free card.
  6. You will never, ever interlink digits with a stranger at church if the pastor asks everyone to hold hands in prayer. You’re not at a roller rink doing the couple’s skate to “Tender Roni.”
  7. You will not make married people who don’t have kids feel like they have to have babies tomorrow.
  8. You will not fall in love on a mission trip.
  9. You will admit you sometimes play Candy Crush when you are supposed to be looking up Bible verses on your iPhone during church.
  10. You will drive nicer on the way to church or at least remove your little metal Jesus fish so you can drive like a maniac in the church parking lot once the sermon is over.
  11. You will wonder what Tim Tebow is up to these days.
  12. You will not look down on Vacation Bible Schools that don’t have “bounce houses” or “inflatables.”
  13. You will stop buying bootleg cookies, I’m looking at your Hydrox, for Sunday School.
  14. You will agree that we need to stop having super lame jokes about sex during our weddings.
  15. You will never ask the fat content of a meal cooked from heaven’s favorite dish, the crock pot.
  16. You will not use “let me pray about that” as a synonym for “no” when someone asks you for a favor.
  17. You will forever stop using the comic sans font.
  18. You will watch the movie version of “Heaven is for Real” or enjoy your fold out couch bed in Hades.
  19. Your church will hold super awkward events for single adults.
  20. You will stop assuming your sound guy/girl must hate sweet baby Jesus because one of the mics didn’t work right.
  21. You will understand how metrosexual your worship leader is.
  22. You will go on a digital fast without announcing it to the whole world or pretending the God of the universe spoke to you because you gave up Twitter for 72 hours.
  23. You will not skip church when you realize that today is a guest speaker.
  24. You will not judge people who smoke cigars, as they are considered the “Christian cigarette.”
  25. You will stop creating tracts that look like fake money because Jesus never created “fake drachmas.”
  26. You will feel a little bit guilty about not homeschooling your kids if you have any.
  27. You will take as many things as you can from “the head to the heart.”
  28. You will not feel guilty if you don’t want to raise your hands while singing.
  29. You will wonder if the guy next to you is going to share gum at church now that you’ve seen it.
  30. You will have an epic fight with your spouse on the way to church.
  31. You will not use the hashtag “#Blessed” for things God might not have been involved in. “Just got tickets to Justin Timberlake! #Blessed”
  32. You will not Jesus Juke.
  33. You will attend at least one church with a name that sounds like it is a designer clothing store.

Those are my resolutions this year.

What is your Christian resolution?