The new year is upon us.
And with it, new resolutions!
This year, I thought I would help you out by creating:
33 Fantastical Christian Resolutions!
- You will not use “love on” as a verb.
- You will try your best to ignore typos in the worship music.
- You will admit that God probably uses a Mac.
- You will wear less skinny jeans, the pockets of which you could not get a tic tac into if you had a crowbar.
- You will stop using “Just sayin'” as a “get out of jerk” free card.
- You will never, ever interlink digits with a stranger at church if the pastor asks everyone to hold hands in prayer. You’re not at a roller rink doing the couple’s skate to “Tender Roni.”
- You will not make married people who don’t have kids feel like they have to have babies tomorrow.
- You will not fall in love on a mission trip.
- You will admit you sometimes play Candy Crush when you are supposed to be looking up Bible verses on your iPhone during church.
- You will drive nicer on the way to church or at least remove your little metal Jesus fish so you can drive like a maniac in the church parking lot once the sermon is over.
- You will wonder what Tim Tebow is up to these days.
- You will not look down on Vacation Bible Schools that don’t have “bounce houses” or “inflatables.”
- You will stop buying bootleg cookies, I’m looking at your Hydrox, for Sunday School.
- You will agree that we need to stop having super lame jokes about sex during our weddings.
- You will never ask the fat content of a meal cooked from heaven’s favorite dish, the crock pot.
- You will not use “let me pray about that” as a synonym for “no” when someone asks you for a favor.
- You will forever stop using the comic sans font.
- You will watch the movie version of “Heaven is for Real” or enjoy your fold out couch bed in Hades.
- Your church will hold super awkward events for single adults.
- You will stop assuming your sound guy/girl must hate sweet baby Jesus because one of the mics didn’t work right.
- You will understand how metrosexual your worship leader is.
- You will go on a digital fast without announcing it to the whole world or pretending the God of the universe spoke to you because you gave up Twitter for 72 hours.
- You will not skip church when you realize that today is a guest speaker.
- You will not judge people who smoke cigars, as they are considered the “Christian cigarette.”
- You will stop creating tracts that look like fake money because Jesus never created “fake drachmas.”
- You will feel a little bit guilty about not homeschooling your kids if you have any.
- You will take as many things as you can from “the head to the heart.”
- You will not feel guilty if you don’t want to raise your hands while singing.
- You will wonder if the guy next to you is going to share gum at church now that you’ve seen it.
- You will have an epic fight with your spouse on the way to church.
- You will not use the hashtag “#Blessed” for things God might not have been involved in. “Just got tickets to Justin Timberlake! #Blessed”
- You will not Jesus Juke.
- You will attend at least one church with a name that sounds like it is a designer clothing store.
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Those are my resolutions this year.
What is your Christian resolution?