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Stuff Christians Like

Christmas

Leg dropping elves. (Or the real meaning of Christmas.) A Christmas SCL Classic.

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A few years ago, someone gave my family an “Elf on the Shelf.” If you’re not familiar with it, it’s essentially a small elf in a box and a book. The book tells you that you’re supposed to hide the elf each night during the holiday season and let your kids find it. It’s magic or a messenger of Santa or something. It was wildly popular last year and is probably continuing to sell well this Christmas too.

But as I started to think about the whole “real meaning of Christmas” debate and “is Santa bad” discussion that you almost are required by law to have if you’re a Christian blogger, I started to think about that elf. He was just sitting there with a smug look on his face perched on the fireplace mantle looming over our nativity scene below on the hearth. Instead of the traditional Santa vs. Jesus discussion, I began to imagine what would happen if that elf ever ran into the characters from the nativity scene. What would that conversation look like? I present you:

Elf on the shelf meets the characters from the nativity scene.

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A very Cornelius Christmas.

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A few months ago, I wrote a post in which I said as a Christian you had to root for University of Florida quarterback Tim Tebow. In order to remove some of the inevitable heat I would take in claiming that Christians must support a quarterback just because he’s a believer, I told you that I didn’t make up that rule. I simply received it from the wise beak of a dove named Cornelius who is employed by the Southern Baptist Convention.

I intimated that he regularly drops of messages for me on my doorstep. Wes Molebash, a talented artist who I hope to help get published, agreed to draw Cornelius. Of all the things I could collectively give you this Christmas, an illustration of a talking dove that dispenses wisdom seemed to be the best idea for a very Stuff Christians Like Christmas.

Without further ado, I give you Cornelius …

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Favorite Post #3. Leg dropping elves (Or the real meaning of Christmas.)

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Last year, someone gave my family an “Elf on the Shelf.” If you’re not familiar with it, it’s essentially a small elf in a box and a book. The book tells you that you’re supposed to hide the elf each night during the holiday season and let your kids find it. It’s magic or a messenger of Santa or something. It was wildly popular last year and is probably continuing to sell well this Christmas too.

But as I started to think about the whole “real meaning of Christmas” debate and “is Santa bad” discussion that you almost are required by law to have if you’re a Christian blogger, I started to think about that elf. He was just sitting there with a smug look on his face perched on the fireplace mantle looming over our nativity scene below on the hearth. Instead of the traditional Santa vs. Jesus discussion, I began to imagine what would happen if that elf ever ran into the characters from the nativity scene. What would that conversation look like? I present you:

Elf on the shelf meets the characters from the nativity scene.

Wise Man 1: “Whoa, whoa, whoa. Who are you?

Elf on the Shelf: “I’m the Elf on the Shelf.”

Wise Man 1: “I can see that. It’s right there on your box. I can read, kind of goes along with the territory. I’m a ‘wise man.’ But what are you doing here?”

Elf on the Shelf: “I came to spread holiday cheer and tell people about the magic of Santa Claus.”

Wise Man 1: “That sentence is so wrong on so many levels I don’t even know where to begin. First of all, please help me understand what ‘holiday cheer’ is. Is that some sort of glitter? Like a pixy dust or giggle spray or other elf razzle dazzle?

Wise Man 2: “Slow down Myrrh man. No need to get sarcastic.”

Wise Man 1: “You stay out of this Gold Guy and don’t call me Myrrh man. It’s ‘M&M.’ No one knows what Myrrh even is. I sound like some sort of under the sea creature. I knew I should have brought the gold. Everyone loves you. My gift is judged as slightly better than paprika or cinnamon. Awesome.”

Wise Man 3: “Myrrh man, Christmas is not about the gifts we give, it’s first and foremost about the gift we received. Jesus Christ.”

Wise Man 1: “I know I know, Frankincense Fellow, it’s just that you don’t understand the pressure I’m under with the Myrrh reputation. At least your gift sounds like Frankenstein and is easy to remember. When people say my gift, they never know where to finish the word, they always just kind of trail off and say, Mryhhhhhhhh. But this isn’t about me, this is about this punk elf.”

Elf on the Shelf: “I’m Elf on the Shelf.”

Wise Man 1: “Here you go again. There’s no shelf in the nativity scene and therefore no elf. I’ve got some good news and some bad news for you. The good news is I’m wearing my traveling robes and won’t be able to tune you up myself. The bad news is the shepherds are always up for a beat down.”

Shepherd 1: “What’s going on?”

Wise Man 1: “This Peter Pan looking doll over here is trying to distract us from the birth of Christ. He’s trying to steal some of sweet baby Jesus’ thunder.”

Shepherd 2: “Oh, that’s not happening on my watch. It’s on like Donkey Kong.”

Elf on the Shelf: “On like Donkey Kong? Isn’t that violent? Can’t we all just giggle and watch my Will Ferrell movie, “Elf?”

Shepherd 3: “Agreed, tossing you out of this nativity scene like a bouncer at a bar is violent but people overestimate how clean and well behaved we shepherds were back in the day. We were like longshoreman. Think of us less as caretakers of sheep and more as Pastoral Hooligans. We live under the stars and wrestle bears for fun. David was a shepherd and he cut Goliath’s head off.”

Elf on the Shelf: “Gulp.”

Shepherd 1: “Don’t worry we’re not going to do that to you. We are going to bounce you out of town like a super ball though. Drummer boy, hit me up with my theme song.”

Elf on the Shelf: “Wait, the drummer boy wasn’t at the birth of Christ either. Why isn’t he getting the bum rush?”

Shepherd 1: “Because Jesus is funky and loves a good beat. Plus, every superhero needs a theme song.”

Wise Man 1: “You’re a superhero now? How’d that happen? I must have missed that in the Bible.”

Shepherd 1: “Easy Myrrh-lin, the magician of questionable gifts. According to Matthew you guys didn’t even show up at the manger. And at least you have a name, I’m just lumped in as a “shepherd.” I’ve got no identity. I had to create my own, with a theme song.

Wise Man 1: “Good grief!”

Elf on the Shelf: “That’s from Charlie Brown’s Christmas!”

Shepherd 1: “You’re still here? Let’s do this thing.”

(Commence elf beat down.)

I’m not sure if that’s exactly how the great elf/nativity scene clash of 2008 happened, but it’s how it happened in my head.

Manger Management

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One morning a few years ago, my wife and I were awakened by a really loud, bizarre noise. It kind of sounded like an elephant with asthma exhaling.

I jumped up and instinctively reached for the mission trip machete my wife won’t let me keep by the bed. Realizing that I was going to have to best whatever mythical creature was descending upon our house with my bare hands, I started to stretch and limber up my “core.” My wife exclaimed, “That sounds like a hot air balloon.” I laughed and said, “A hot air balloon? That’s ridiculous.” But then I peeked out of the blinds and saw a big blue balloon larger than our house about to land on our house.

We grabbed our daughter L.E., a video camera and ran outside as fast as we could. But as soon as we ran out the door, we were only a few feet away from a very embarrassed, young couple and one grizzled hot air balloon operator. The young guy looked like he was on the verge of proposing to his girlfriend when the wind changed and forced the hot air balloon to land on our street.

We didn’t think they’d be that close to our mailbox and suddenly we felt pretty silly filming someone that was only a few feet from us. It was really awkward and I put the camera behind my back and tried to play off the whole “sprinting outside to see the spectacle.” “Oh, hey, how are you? Top of the morning. What, this camera? No, we weren’t coming out to film you. This is how we start every morning at our house. Oh, look, a hot air balloon, that’s neat. Didn’t really even notice it. Have a good day.”

The whole moment was kind of weird and I was reminded of it when I recently experienced my very first live nativity scene.

I’ve never been to one that I can remember and was excited to see what all the fuss was about. So in the middle of a local Christmas light show near our house, I jumped out of the car, wove my way through a crowd and just stopped. There, in a pile of hay, was a smattering of random farm animals, a couple of people in ill fitting costumes and one shady looking camel. I thought that maybe this would be one of those moments I write about in my journal that taught me the “true meaning of Christmas.” But it wasn’t, I just stood there for a few minutes, watched a couple of disinterested sheep and then left.

I swore at that moment that I would do every thing I could do in my power to fix what was broken about that live nativity scene. (I didn’t actually swear, but I’d like you to get caught up in the drama of this moment with me.)

So here, if you ever try to plan a Live Nativity Scene are my 7 tips for Manger Management:

1. Don’t get a camel that looks like he wants to pickpocket you.
That was perhaps the shiftiest looking camel I’ve ever seen. It was pacing around like it was looking for a jailhouse shiv to stab someone with. I refuse to believe it’s that difficult to hire a kind-hearted camel. Take it out for a coffee before you put it in your live nativity. Get to know it at least a little.

2. Find a better animal handler.
At one point the animal handler, who was dressed up as a wise man type looking guy, kind of kicked at a donkey during an intermission. He didn’t leg drop it, but he definitely kicked at it as if to say, “Hey, quit eating so much hay and hiding in the corner. Get out there and give the people a show.” So point 2 should really be titled, “kick the donkey less.”

3. Get taller wise men.
I know that this live nativity was put on by a youth group, but you’ve got to get taller people to play the wise men. I’m not tall and assume that people that are tall and have British accents are wiser than me. I’m not saying they need both those characteristics, but if you managed to have a tall British wise man your live nativity scene might be unstoppable.

4. Mary did you know, it’s your time for a coffee break?
At one point during the show, they abruptly changed Marys. The new Mary just came into the manger like a tag team wrestler tagging in. It would have been better if there were a trap door involved or maybe the camel distracted us all while the Marys switched. I’m just saying, think about building a trap door next year. Is that too much to ask for?

5. Get more motivated sheep.
If the sheep aren’t excited about the show, I’m not going to be excited about it either. Bottom line. And these sheep looked asleep most of the time. I was going to make an energy drink joke here but I’ve already used up my allotted supply of pastoral humor for the year. Instead, think about having a wolf on the premise somewhere. Maybe in the crowd? That would make everything a lot more exciting.

6. Give out door prizes.
There’s not a person on the planet that hates a free fake beard. Seriously, everyone loves a free fake beard. Even if you have a real beard, you love a free fake beard.

7. Have the shepherds arrive on Harleys.
I’ve said this before, the shepherds were rough. They were tough and we’ve kind of wussified them over the years. We imagine them playing with baby lambs and cuddling cute, fluffy sheep. Forget that. Go old school and modern at the same time and have the shepherds arrive mid show on Harleys. In addition to getting the crowd fired up, that punk camel will probably get in line, the sheep will be excited and Mary can tag team out. If Harleys are too current, they could also arrive on wolves, but that could be slightly dangerous.

I write videos sometimes for my church, but rarely do they ask me for event planning ideas. Which is weird, because clearly, I’ve got some good ones.

Women's Ministry Christmas Tea

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(Turns out that I am not invited to a lot of ladies only events. Fortunately, everyone’s favorite sarcastic member of Louisville is. Today’s guest post is from Stacy from Louisville. Get ready for five ways to survive a Women’s Ministry Christmas Tea. And yes, that photo is Stacy.)

I have a sequin holiday sweater and I’m not afraid to use it. But the sweater is just the beginning of the ensemble. With old school Aqua Net in one hand and glittery spray in the other I set about styling my hair. Then I apply lots of festive make up, put on Christmassy jewelry, douse myself in Wal-Mart body splash, peel off my Crest Whitestrip and gaze upon the splendor that is me. Perhaps you’re wondering why I’m so gussied up. I’m off to a Women’s Ministry Christmas Tea, of course.

What? What’s that you say? You’ve never been to a Christmas Tea? Why, that’s almost sacrilegious. Don’t you realize the favor baby Jesus did by being born just so we could have this blessed event?! You’d better get your poinsettias in order my friend. Jesus only has one birthday party a year and this is it.

Who doesn’t love a Women’s Ministry Christmas Tea? It’s the place where estrogen and evergreen embrace over nutty cheese logs. Just thinking about it makes me want to decorate a snowman craft and hug total strangers. Or, maybe embroider Luke 2 on some collates.

But alas, not every Christmas tea is as inspiring as what I’ve described. As hard as it may be to imagine, women don’t always see eye to eye. If I had to be honest (which I don’t because Jon said I can lie on his blog whenever I want) there’s usually a steady undercurrent of competition brewing along with the tea. So, for your safety, I’ve compiled a list of precautions to keep in mind.

1) When you arrive scan the room and locate the fake Coach purses.
These gems are typically packed with SSRIs and estrogen patches. It’s a first aid kit every women’s ministry event should never be without. In the event excessive giddy clapping turns into hot flash sweating, apply a patch. When hopes are dashed over an ornament exchange, go for the SSRI.

2) Beware of leadership.
I can’t tell you how I know this, so keep it on the downlow. In order to be a leader in women’s ministry you have to be jumped in. I personally know 1 whole person who was repeatedly stabbed with the back of a Snowman pin for her initiation. (And I don’t even want to tell you what they did with hot glue and pipe cleaners.) So if anyone wearing a Santa hat and a nativity necklace asks you to welcome people as they come in, don’t do it. Be rude. Keep to yourself.

3) Don’t sit by the pastor’s wife from another church.
She may be all “super smiley sweater sets” and “unassuming knee highs with pumps” but watch out. She’s got a score to settle. Remember last year when she had to be Joseph in the live nativity due to the excess facial hair thing? She’s not over it, she’s about to snap. If you see her serving summer sausage out of her purse with a butcher knife, say, “No thanks, I’m good.” And just walk away.

4) The following categories will compete for door prizes so plan ahead:
Who has the nicest Christmas tree airbrush nails? Who warbles the best “O Holy Night” harmony? Whose Christmas sweater is more blinky? Whose table design is most Biblically sound? Who can best disguise gossip as a prayer request? Prizes include 1) A DVD demonstration of how to most effectively scrub your toilet, set to “We Are The Reason” by David Meece 2) a silver bracelet with 57 charms that explain submission, and c) lip gloss that tastes like Near Beer.

5) Don’t forget to bring a pot luck item to share.
Sure you could bring 17 dozen hand made Christmas cookies, but why? In our current economic state we all need a good bargain. Instead, stop off for an eggnog shake and 30 straws. You could add alcohol but I don’t suggest it. Instead, get a roll of butter rum lifesavers, crush them and mix them in. Yum. There’s nothing like pretend sin now is there?

That’s the best advice I can give you right now. I have to run – I’m off to the Christmas tea. I’d love for you to come with me; it will be so super fun, fun, fun! But maybe you’ve already been to a Christmas event at your church this year. What was it like? Is there anything I forgot?

(Special thanks to the Stacy From Louisville readers whose ideas keep me laughing!)

Make sure you check out Stacy’s blog, it’s great.

The only lawn I've ever wanted to side hug.

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A reader named Andrea sent me this link. It gets genius at about 59 seconds in. Someone choreographed their Christmas lights to the song “All I want for Christmas is you” by Mariah Carey. I am speechless and overwhelmed by it’s sheer awesomeness. Watch it, you will be delighted. I assure you.

The only lawn I’ve ever wanted to side hug.

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A reader named Andrea sent me this link. It gets genius at about 59 seconds in. Someone choreographed their Christmas lights to the song “All I want for Christmas is you” by Mariah Carey. I am speechless and overwhelmed by it’s sheer awesomeness. Watch it, you will be delighted. I assure you.

My jail mustache (Or giving people three gifts this year)

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At work, people will occasionally show up to a 15 person meeting with three copies of the handout we’re supposed to all have. In an effort to pretend they did that on purpose, they’ll say, “Uh, yeah, in order to be green, I only brought three copies. If you want your own and just want to punch the planet directly in the face and ensure that all of our kids are never able to play in tree forts because you cut them all down, feel free to make your own copy.”

They don’t say that last part exactly, but that’s the sentiment and I’m starting to get the temptation to make a similar excuse with Christmas this year. You see a lot of people I know have decided to give their kids three gifts for Christmas in a head nod to the three gifts Jesus got from the wise men.

I think that can be an awesome thing to do. My own kids have too many toys. We are overwhelmed with “stuff” in our house. Stuff we don’t need. Stuff we don’t play with. And the idea that instead of making this Christmas a bloated “stuff parade” we could focus on the story of Jesus’ birth by giving only three gifts is fantastic. I love that idea, but I doubt my own motives.

I’d be tempted to use the three wise men gift idea as an excuse for waiting until the last minute to shop. It’s December 16th and I haven’t really bought any gifts yet. I can already envision myself on Christmas morning telling my wife and kids, “Hooray, daddy got you three things, just like the wise men. It’s a Biblical Christmas miracle!”

I foresee three possible problems with that plan:

1. The gifts from the wise men were insano expensive.
Insano isn’t an exact Hebrew translation but the point is that their gifts were lavish. They gave Jesus gold. And despite those awesome “buy gold now” commercials with the guy from Law and Order SVU, (for shame) which promise, “Gold has never been worth nothing,” I just don’t have any. I won’t be able to really match the value of the three gifts concept, just the number. I think to justify the cheapness, I would end up saying things like “No, Christmas didn’t sneak up on me this year, not at all. Instead, I’m only giving out three gifts like the wise men. Yeah that’s it. This is a Jesus thing. What, you want a fourth gift? Why do you hate Jesus so much?”

2. My kids are too smart.
We’ve spent too many hours on the My Little Pony aisle at Wal-mart for my kids to be fooled by my attempt to only give them three small gifts. They know that Rainbow Dash and Minty and Pinkie Pie and all the other pasteled, petite ponies of prettiness are available. If the, “This is just like the book of Matthew” logic doesn’t work with them I could always just say, “There was a glitter glue shortage and we had to put all the other ponies down,” but is that anyway to start a Christmas morning?

3. I’d be too tempted to carry the “just like the Bible theme” all the way out.
I have a hard time doing things halfway. I’m an all in or all out kind of guy. So if we as a family decide to reflect the wise men gift idea, then we’re going to need to get a donkey. That’s just how it works. We’re going to need some hay and some camels and probably one of those giant lights they shine into the sky to attract you to big sporting events. And you probably need a permit for one of those things so that you don’t blind airplanes passing overhead. But I wouldn’t get one because I’d want to be 100% accurate to the Bible and I’m pretty sure the New Testament doesn’t mention a permit for the star over Bethlehem. So then I’d get arrested. And as the police dragged me to the police car in my long, flowing scriptural robes and wise man mustache (the only thing I can grow), I’d yell out “three gifts, three gifts!” And probably “freeedoommm” too, just because Braveheart is like an extra book of the Bible for a lot of people.

Whoa, now I’m adding books to the Bible and going to jail with a mustache?

Nobody wants that.

Question:
Are you doing the three gifts thing this year?

Christmas Shoes, Greatest Song Ever?

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Does the whole world know about the song “Christmas Shoes?” I assume this tender ditty about a boy trying to buy pretty shoes for his mama in case she dies and meets Jesus, is an international smash hit. Maybe it hasn’t spanned the globe yet though so I posted a video clip of it below.

According to the Internet, which is always 100% accurate, this song took four years to write. I have a hard time believing that because it has the air of three songwriters sitting in a “cheesy song laboratory,” trying to concoct the most emotionally manipulative song ever. And when I hear it come on the radio I immediately rip my stereo out of the dashboard and throw it in a river. If I’m not near a river, a small “crick” will suffice.

But what if I’m wrong? What if it’s actually the greatest song ever written? What if despite all my sarcasm and all the other great blogs that have already joked about this song, it’s actually the most important song our generation has ever experienced? What if Christmas Shoes is the greatest song ever written?

Here are five reasons I think that might be true:

1. You can sing it to every other Christmas song.
This year, I’ve secretly been playing a game of “What would Christmas Shoes sound like if it was another song” in my head. For instance, Mariah Carey’s “All I want for Christmas is you?” That one becomes “All I want for Christmas is Shoes.” Or, “Carol of the Bells,” the Ding Dong song becomes “Here are some shoes, these are some shoes, do you like my shoes, my mama’s shoes?” Try it, it works with any song.

2. It’s got its own movie.
Name me three other Christmas songs that have been turned into “made for television movies” starring Hollywood’s Rob Lowe? You can’t, can you. (Sure, Rudolph and Frosty the Snowman are songs and movies, but was Lowe in either of those?) Here’s how CBS describes it, “In this heartwarming holiday drama, a workaholic attorney crosses paths with a young boy on Christmas Eve and rediscovers the true meaning of love, life and the holiday season.” Wow, that’s powerful right there.

3. It’s got its own book.
I really hope that when my book comes out in 2010 someone will make a song version. (Preferably to the tune of Prince’s “When Doves Cry,” “This is what it sounds like when you side hug.”) You know you’ve got a good song when there’s a book version as well, even though Publisher’s Weekly describes the book as “Two couples find their lives transformed by a Christmas gift in a gooey holiday parable that leaves no stone unturned in its pursuit of tear-jerking moments.” I promise my book will not be gooey.

4. A little kid sings at the end of the song.
Who doesn’t like that? We Christians love when a chorus of children come in at the end of a song. Especially if it’s a sweet little kid that says “mama.” As I’ve said before, if I ever have an audio book made of something I write, I’m going to have a really adorable third grader read the last chapter. Hopefully, Christopher Walken will agree to read the first 20, but to close it out on a strong note, I feel an 8-year old is in order. At least I get that sense from all of the Christian songs that end with a choir of kids.

5. It’s played fairly often on Christian radio during the holidays.
It’s available. Don’t you hate when you hear about something good and you can never find it? You google it and ask your friends and no one knows where to direct you to enjoy this magical thing you’re looking for? Don’t worry about that happening with the Christmas Shoes song. It’s currently played every other song on some Christian radio stations. So it’s easy to find. That’s a nice thing, right?

OK, I confess, I don’t love that song, but I do wish I was signed up for the iTunes affiliate program and not just the Amazon.com one, because right now, I imagine readers are buying the Christmas Shoes song like some sort of delicious hot cake. And with the money I earned I’d probably buy my cat Sir Scratch a Lot, some new feline fancy feet socks in case he meets Jesus tonight. He was hit by a car while saving a wheelbarrow full of orphans and nuns that was stuck in the middle of the street. I think this might be his last Christmas with us and those socks are just his style.