Guest Posts

(A few weeks ago, a reader told me that someone had written a hilarious post about what it takes to be a wicked awesome Stuff Christians Like commenter. That sounded too funny to be true, but it wasn’t. A guy named Matt with a site called thechurchofnopeople.com did indeed write a really funny post about commenting on SCL. I thought it was great and hope you will to. Without further ado, here’s a guest post from Matt.)

It’s a great honor to be writing to you as just one ordinary SCL fan. There sure are a bunch of us, aren’t there? Jon’s a great guy to share his stage with me.

What were we doing with ourselves a year ago without Stuff Christians Like? Today, I want to talk about us, the readers and comment-posters of SCL. These days, there are a lot of people here who love to read SCL six days a week and even better, post comments on what Jon is saying. It’s now literally something that belongs in the great pile of stuff Christians like (lowercase sCl). We like to play his little games, take his quizzes, and shout out our own ideas. And on the days Jon just ‘preaches,’ we’re all just reduced to little virtual piles of blubbering emotions and tears of wonder and awe for all the beauty that is Jon. I can literally hear the whimpers of joy coming through some comments if I turn up the sound on my computer.

As loyal SCL disciples, we’ve been trained well by numerous subliminal trigger words, designed to make the urge to comment irresistible. I think it’s been documented that 47% of you cannot resist the impulse to post a comment when the word ‘skittles’ is subtly presented to you.

Like that one, right there…

It’s now the season for New Year’s resolutions. Maybe your resolution is to pump up or read a book. Well add a much more important item to that list: the resolution to be the biggest, best SCL comment-poster ever!

Some of you are new here and don’t even know where to begin on that tall order. Others have been pumping their commenting muscles here at club-SCL for a long time, but you need a little coaching to take your commenting to the next level. The best way to start a gym routine is a BMI/fitness test to know how in shape (or out of shape) you are and set some goals. I’ve got a test to help you know just how great a commenter you really are:

The official point system of SCL comment-poster fitness:

1. Your daily morning ritual includes checking and commenting on today’s SCL post, and then possibly getting dressed and going to work = +1 point

2. You have awakened earlier than you need to at least once, for the purpose of commenting before anyone else = +2 points

3. You comment while at work, which is stealing from your employer = -1 point

4. You comment while at work, and then dock your own pay for the time you used = +2 points

5. You comment while at work…on someone else’s computer = +3 points

6. You comment ‘anonymously,’ which is like being a ‘back-row Baptist’ = -2 points

7. You ‘define’ the made-up verification word = +1 point

8. You recall in a word or two a past entry or running joke because you are part of the SCL ‘in crowd’ = +1 point

9. You spend at least five minutes wracking your brain, trying to come up with a funny or clever comment to impress Jon = +2 points.

10. You consult your spouse to try to come up with a funny or clever comment = -1 point

11. In desperation, you consult your children to try to come up with a funny or clever comment = -3 points

12. Defeated, you give up trying to come up with a funny or clever comment, and just tell Jon he’s awesome/handsome = +1 point

13. You actually do get a comment back from Jon, making the sun shine a little brighter for the rest of the day = +3 points

14. You take credit for your spouse or child’s cleverness after it wins Jon’s praises = -3 points

15. After 27 hours of wracking your brain, when you least suspect it, your coworkers hear you suddenly slap your desk and scream inarticulately as the perfect comment to yesterday’s post finally dawns on you = +1 point

16. Feeling inadequate about your score on a ‘quiz’ day, you comment about the reasons you should receive extra credit = +1 point

17. You try to award yourself completely inordinate amounts of extra credit = -2 points

18. Of course, you’ll buy the upcoming SCL book, scribble comments all over the pages, and then proudly mail it to Jon for his approval = +5 points

19. Along with comments, you’ll decorate your SCL book with doodles, glitter, googly eyes, stickers, pom poms, goldfish crackers, generic cookies, and any other leftover VBS razzle dazzle you can score…and then proudly mail it to Jon for his approval = +5 points

How did you score?

16 points or higher = You’re awesome and everyone knows it. There is almost as much razzle dazzle in your comments as in Jon’s original posts.
6-15 points = You should make a New Year’s resolution to pump up your commenting. You have lacked the discipline necessary to be a true master. Now drop and give me 10 comments!
Less than 5 points = You should start slow and light. Your scrawny commenting muscles are not fully developed and you risk injury by going too fast.

(For more great stuff from Matt, make sure you check out www.thechurchofnopeople.com)

(Turns out the interweb is jam packed with funny, insightful people. Sometimes I have the opportunity to introduce you to them. Today, Bryan Allain, a Jesus/Sports expert is joining the annals of Stuff Christians Like. Enjoy.)

Hello my fellow side-hugging, skittle-eating, prayer ninjas. Last month Jon asked me if I’d be interested in blogging a guest post here at SCL and I said “yes” so fast, my tongue tore it’s ACL and is out 10-12 months. Thankfully I don’t type with my tongue (anymore), and I was still able to put this post together for you.

One disclaimer before we jump in: If you hate sports like the devil hates you, I apologize in advance. I write about sports because they are a huge part of my life, and I feel there’s tons of lessons we can learn from them about how God wants us to live (so much so that I’m writing a book about it). So, if you’re idea of hell is a neverending junior high gym class where people play dodge ball, flag football, and floor hockey for the rest of eternity, just grit your teeth, roll your eyes, and try to get through this.

With that out of the way, here’s 7 Sports Myths that Christians Like:

1. Saying you love Jesus after a big win is always a good thing.
If you’re neighbor came over one day and asked you “Hey, your lawn looks great! What’s your secret?” and you replied, “Well, first I’d like to give praise to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Without Him grass wouldn’t even exist!” What would happen? Even if you followed up with, “I use a weed and feed every March and August and spray for grubs in July”, would your neighbor even be listening anymore? Chances are he’d be so caught off-guard by your impromptu confession of faith that he’d be backpedaling faster than an all-pro cornerback in man-to-man coverage.

Like it or not, context IS important. Yes truth is always truth, but context matters. Plus, there’s also something to be said for respecting the reporter who is trying to do their job and actually answering the question you were asked. I’m not saying athletes should never bring faith into the conversation, I’m just saying there’s more to sharing your faith than saying Jesus’ name whenever a microphone is shoved in your face. Too often it comes across as nothing more than a cheesy soundbite, and for every Christian who hears it and pumps their fist in approval, there’s probably 50 other folks who roll their eyes and change the channel.

2. The New Orleans Saints are The Most Christian Sports Franchise
Sure they were named, in part, because of the large Catholic population in New Orleans in the 1960s, but when it comes to Christian team names, the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim stand head and shoulders above the rest. Remember, this is the franchise that once had a Disney movie made about their team that involved real angels (including Christopher Lloyd) helping the team win the A.L. Pennant. No other team, including the Saints, can lay claim to that.

But what seals the deal is their name. I only took one year of Spanish in junior high, but I’m pretty sure the English translation of “Los Angeles” is “The Angels”. This means their team name is literally “The Angels Angels of Anaheim”. With that ridiculous double-reference to heavenly harpists, they take the cake as the Most Christian Sports Franchise. (They would also lay claim to the title of Most Absurd Sports Team Name if it wasn’t for the existence of The Utah Jazz).

3. The referee is always right
The customer is always right. Google is always right. Your wife is always right.

The referee…not so much.

But even though the men and women in stripes screw up occasionally, we still need to handle ourselves on the field as ambassadors of Christ. In fact, the last time I looked through the Gospels, Jesus was telling his disciples to shake the dust off of their feet, not to kick it onto other people’s shoes when they blow a call. And those times when we feel compelled to holler at the referee for his poor eyesight? We should follow the example of Jesus, who had compassion for those who couldn’t see. It’s fine to disagree with the umpire, and usually there is a way to state your case with respect and class. Just don’t forget who you’re representing when you’re told to go sit back down on the bench and shut up.

4. Christians aren’t allowed to root for teams with devil mascots.
Contrary to popular belief, The New Jersey Devils of the NHL were not given their name because New Jersey is often referred to as “hell on earth”. They were actually named after a legendary creature called “The Jersey Devil” who is said to haunt the Pine Barrens of Southern New Jersey. In fact, most devilish mascots have a similar story behind their name. So take comfort fans of Arizona St., Duke, and Depaul; cheering for the Sun Devils, Blue Devils, or the Blue Demons is not aligning your soul with Sheol.

That being said, kudos to my mom for lobbying to get my brother’s grade school soccer team renamed from The Black Knights (clearly evil) to The Black Attackers (much less evil…and much cooler). True story.

5. You can be a Christian and attend Wake Forest University
The lone exception to myth #4 is Wake Forest University. Prior to 1923, Wake Forest’s sports teams competed as the Fighting Baptists. But leave it to a newspaper reporter to suggest that the team “fought like demons” in a win over Duke in 1923, which eventually led to the university adopting the Demon Deacon as their mascot. The scary part? Wake Forest never won a National Championship while competing as the Fighting Baptists, but since moving to the dark side the Demon Deacons have won 8 national championships in four different sports. Draw your own conclusions.

And while we’re here, what is a Demon Deacon anyway? Is it a deacon at your church who gets possessed by a demon? Or is it a demon from hell who takes the form of a human and joins your church, eventually earning enough respect from members of the congregation with his work on the usher team to be voted in as a deacon? Either way, you might not want to be wearing a Wake Forest hoodie when you stand before the pearly gates one day. Just a suggestion.

6. Our kids should play to have fun, not to win.
Garbage. Taking winning and losing out of sports is like taking the rainbow out of skittles. We need to let kids win and lose because they’re going to deal with the emotions that come from succeeding and failing all through their lives, and sports are a great place for them to become familiar with them.

Why sports? Because it’s only a game, but the lessons we learn in athletics are universal. Kids need to win because they need to learn how to succeed with grace and humility. So 10 years down the road when they get that coveted promotion over an equally qualified coworker, they handle themselves with class. Similarly, they need to learn how to fail with respect and dignity. They need to be able to put disappoint and rejection in proper perspective for the times later in life when they lose something more than just a game.

Besides, if we didn’t keep score at our kids’ games, what would we have to yell about from the sidelines?

7. God loves Penn State and the Cowboys
Living in Pennsylvania, I’ve been told numerous times that God HAS to be a Penn State fan because the sky is blue and white. I usually walk away from these conversations convinced that the use of hallucinogens is on the rise among college football fans. Do these folks realize that “Sky Blue” and “Nittany Lion Blue” are as far as you can possibly get away from each other on the Blue Scale? Do they think God is colorblind?
< br />Penn State fans aren’t the only ones who claim divine fandom. Fans of the Dallas Cowboys have long argued that the Cowboys are God’s team, citing the fact that there’s a hole in the roof over Texas Stadium so God can keep an eye on the action. What Cowboys fans fail to realize is that they are, in essence, saying God is not capable of seeing through man-made materials like steel and elastomer coatings. Feel free to remind them of this the next time one of them plays the “hole in the roof” card. Really? You worship a God that doesn’t have X-Ray vision? Does he need binoculars too? What happens if it’s cloudy, does He just watch the game on TV?

Besides, we all know that God’s favorite team couldn’t possibly be the Cowboys. It has to be The Angels Angels of Anaheim, right?

So, can you think of any sports myths that I missed?

Who are your favorite and least favorite teams?

Have any good stories about arguing with an umpire or a referee you can share?

P.S. You can find more of Bryan at his sports/faith blog, Prayers For Blowouts, and at his personal blog, Ramblings and Such(bryanallain.com/blog).

(I’m in Charleston, South Carolina right now for Thanksgiving. I asked everyone’s favorite lady blogger to sit in. If you’re not reading Stacy From Louisville yet you really should. She is fantastical.)

I have it on good authority that Jelly Belly Jelly Beans are God’s favorite gourmet candy. Granted, Skittles have their rightful place in God’s heart, but every now and again, the Trinity throws caution to the wind and goes epicureious.

At roughly $8 a pound they’re pricey. That’s why God doesn’t indulge in them too often. Can’t you imagine God’s dilemma: Build another mega church or eat Jelly Bellies?

What I love so much about Jelly Bellies is that they have all these unusual flavors. For example, there’s not just a “strawberry” jelly bean. Instead, there’s “strawberry daiquiri” or “strawberry jam”. But that’s just the basics. With other flavors like “buttered popcorn”, “jalapeño”, and even “ear wax” and “booger” they’ve cornered the market on flavor and variety.

One untapped market, however, would be the Jelly Bellies of Christendom. What if every aspect of the Christian church could be condensed down into a portable, shiny coated, sugary confection?

Here are a few I came up with…

Scary Elder
lackluster grey in color, with human hair attached to resemble the combover, these beans tastes of pocket lint and the Lyon’s Club with a hint of Halls cough drops mixed in for authenticity

Women’s Ministry
hot pink in color and served warm to represent hot flashes and cattiness, the Women’s Ministry jelly bean has a faint metallic after taste from sequin holiday sweaters and over accessorizing

Pastor’s Wife
always pastel and triple confection coating make it so super sweet it comes with a pre-measured insulin syringe

Super Sweaty Pastor
usually wrapped in a monogrammed handkerchief, these beans are slightly salty and super sticky from perspiration, taste like licking a Thompson Chain Reference and smell like a locker room

Old Hymnal
dusty and pocked with mildew this little slice of heaven is harder and harder to find but try to remove them from the Christendom mix and heads are gonna roll

Church Nursery
soggy and yellow with brown spots, this bean is made from 100% high fructose corn syrup, these beans have a tendency to start off sweet but will give you a headache before swallowing

Youth Group
saturated in volatile, hormonal, acne baths these pink and blue dudes quite often turn purple and smell like the Jonas Brothers

Church Bus
sharp, burning diesel fuel with vinyl seats aftertaste, discerning pallets will note hints of aspercream or youth group Slurpee puke, depending on who last used it

Baptistery
light blue in color, pop one in your mouth and savor the flavors of stagnant water and hip waders, with hairy notes of the toupee that fell off the last guy who got dunked (I have actually seen this happen and it is spectacular)

VBS Bean
orange drink in color and spotted with glittery specks, this hyperactive bean tastes like Elmer’s glue and smells like sweaty loose change collected for missions

Bible College
strict rules govern how and when this bean may be eaten, tastes like engagement ring and pulpit envy with a peppery, slightly legalistic twang

Communion
dry and pasty with a grapey, fermented finish – but for those of you who only have communion once a month, these beans are only found in every 1 out of 4 bags

The First Time Visitor
Oh, wait, we haven’t seen one of these in years. Never mind.

So there you have it. My best stab at reducing Christian culture to jelly bean status. But surely Christendom isn’t limited to my creativity alone. What about you? Surely you can come up with additional flavors to add to the mix.

And speaking of mix, what happens when you combine some of these flavors? For example:

4 Church Nursery Jelly beans + 1 Pastor’s Wife = A mouth full of Nervous Breakdown

But that’s just one example. Let’s make up some more flavors and combinations and see where it all leads. Jelly Bellies of Christendom: Game on!

p.s. Check out more of Stacy from Louisville right here.

(I’m at MinistryCOM08 in Oklahoma on Thursday and Friday. In my absence, I asked two of everyone’s favorite writers to take the helm of Stuff Christians Like for the next two days. First up, the ever sarcastic, ever hilarious Stacy from Louisville. For more from her, check out her site, stacyfromlouisville.blogspot.com)

Bible College is just plain weird. Take everything that drives you nuts about church culture. Throw it into really close living quarters. Take away deodorant, fashionable clothing, and common sense. Fold in a hymnal, lots of suits from the 80s, and a curfew. Sprinkle it with controversy and lint from the pockets of scary elders. Add 2 gallons of angst from trying to maintain technical virginity, and ta-da! Instant Bible College. (Some assembly required.)

Perhaps the most distinguishing characteristic of Bible College is the number of girls who attend with the soul purpose of acquiring their Mrs. Degree. Never mind that many, many of the guys who attend Bible College are already hot and bothered over polyester and the smell of a freshly Pledged pulpit. Still, there is one thing every Bible College guy needs before he can assume his first full time preaching position: Wifeage. That’s right, a delicate, though not necessarily too attractive, member of the opposite sex. Additional requirements include: a) owning 3 dresses from 1986, b) a stellar ability to cry on command, 3) wide hips for childbirth, and d) it helps if she’s a Christian.

However, it must be said, not every girl who goes to Bible College wants to marry a preacher. I went to Bible College to actually go into vocational ministry. I had no plans in any way, shape, or form to get married! Wicked crazy, I know, but it’s true. I actually graduated single, which was a risky choice. Everybody knows a girl doesn’t get married within 3 months of graduation has a 76% higher chance of never saying “I do.” It’s a good thing I met Dan or right now I’d be icing the cake of my own tragedy. Whew. Guess I dodged a bullet that time.

Obviously you can see the conundrum for young women who attend Bible College. Do they sell their soul to the Bible dictionary, pony up to the polyester smack down and shout, “Preach on!” Or, do girls opt for vocational ministry, thereby rolling the dice when it comes to love and romance? What a sticky pickle! Wouldn’t it helpful if there were, say, a beacon of light to guide these girls in their hour of need? You know, maybe a quiz, thrown up on someone else’s blog when the owner is out of town? Well, you’re in luck…

Welcome to the Stuff Christians Like/Stacy From Louisville Cooperative For the Preservation Of The Integrity of Bible College Love Super Quiz 2008

The purpose of this quiz is to help you determine if you should marry a preacher or stay single in Bible College. Answer the following hypothetical scenarios according to the decision you would make if you were a single female in Bible College. Guys, just read along. I’m serious. Don’t pretend you’re a girl when you’re reading Jon’s site. It’s poor form. Here we go!!!!

1) Your major is:
a) Bible and youth ministry, elementary education, missions, or urban outreach
b) You don’t pick a major. College may cost $9,000 a year but that’s not too much to pay to find your true love. Besides, everyone knows pastors are loaded and he won’t mind paying off your loans.

2. You open the closet in your room to reveal:
a) ringer t-shirts, a SCL t-shirt, jeans, flip flops, a pile of dirty laundry and a half-eaten bag of Cheetos.
b) Four hoop-skirt bridesmaid’s dresses, cellophane wrapped wedding dress, a hand sewn polyester/leather tie nighty combo, and 15 complete sets of maternity clothes

3. You’re in your room studying when you hear frantic shrieking from down the hall. Instinctively you know it’s “the engagement ring scream”, meaning someone else – not you! – is getting married. You:
a) Roll your eyes and finish your paper while humming “Another One Bites The Dust”
b) Grab your stuffed cat, Kooky Kitty McScratchbottom, bury your head in your pillow and contemplate wearing more skirts that reveal your shapely ankles

4. In Church History class Mr. Bible Banger leans over and says, “What’s today’s date?” You:
a) Pull out your birth control dial pack, flip it open and say, “Let’s see. Oh! It’s Thursday already! No wonder I’m thirsty!” (Extra points if you throw in a wink.)
b) Bat your eyelashes, straighten your hair bow, and say, softly, “Kind sir, it’s September 18, 2008 in the year of Our Lord. Might I water your camels?”

5. A cute guy asks you for help with his homework. You:
a) Walk with him to the library and teach him Greek
b) Type up his sermon outline, iron all 10 of his short sleeve dress shirts, make a casserole, and cross stitch Bible verses on his damp handkerchief.

You’re doing great! Last one….

6. A guy you’ve been seeing asks you to marry him. He promises to love you and:
a) You suck his face off instead of answering his question and tell him you’ll get back with him…later.
b) Never throw you under the bus when the elders blame you for the crappy women’s ministry program

So, how did you score?

Mostly A
You should not date in Bible College. You should not get married in Bible College. You probably should not ever say the words “Bible College” or speak a sentence with the words “Bible” and “college” in it, ever. You are cut off. Know why? Because you are like me. As I stated before I graduated from college single, which was fine with me. What I didn’t tell you was that because of my sass mouth I didn’t have too many dates in the straight-laced environment of my college. Don’t get me wrong, I had a blast in college, especially when I learned how to break the rules and not get caught. Am I proud of breaking he rules? Why yes, actually. But I’m most proud of not getting caught. In the grand scheme of things, that’s all that really matters. I think. Flash forward 10+ years and I’m married, I’ve got two kids, and from time to time I break out my Bible dictionary. Does that make me better than anyone else? No, no it doesn’t. That’s what a diploma is for…

Mostly B
Marrying a pastor isn’t necessarily a bad thing, I guess. Getting married as an excuse to have sex and be out past curfew is, and I saw a lot of that, unfortunately. There are some guys who attend Bible College who are hip and fly. If you’ve got your sites set on a Metrosexual future worship leader, that’s good. If he rocks the Pumas and the faux hawk, that’s even better. If he’s really hot in a subversive, yet dark and Biblical kind of way and could potentially make $75K traveling with his band, “The Hermeneutics”, then by all means, find that guy and suck his face off without hesitation. On the other hand, if you’re going to an ultraconservative school that cranks out obscure, pulpit-hogging Bible bangers with weird hips and unzipped flies, you need to pay attention. This quiz might just save your bacon.

So there you have it. My best attempt at breaking free from the comments section on SCL. For years now I have told my husband, “One day Honey, I’m gonna make you proud.” I’m sure in his mind he thought I might return to my prebaby weight or cure cancer or something. But no. God had bigger plans. I get to traipse around SCL for one whole day. You know, that’s pretty good for a chick that was single when she graduated from Bible College.