Stuff Christians Like

Guest Posts

Could Star Wars actually be about the Early Church?

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(It’s guest post Friday! Here’s one from Aaron Summers. You can check out his blog here.  You can also follow him on Twitter @aaronwsummers. If you want to write a guest post for SCL, here’s how!)

Could Star Wars actually be about the Early Church?

I was recently preaching on the 7 churches in Revelation. So many times, the people had a lot of head knowledge, but they didn’t always put that into practice. They were the Jabba the Hut of the church. They were fat and lazy and mean. Though they felt they were doing good, they were actually fueling the evil inside the church.

So I thought, “Could Star Wars actually be about the Early Church?” Could George Lucas really be a Christian trying to reach a certain demographic? If so, this is far better than the Christian movies I have seen over the years. This has reached epic proportions. Here is how I see the cast playing out:

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Internet Filters.

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(It’s guest post Friday! Here is a new one from John Crist. John is a standup comedian from Colorado. If you want to guest post, here’s how!)

According to every piece of advice I’ve ever received from any pastor in the last five years, internet filters solve all problems.

Struggling with porn? Get an internet filter.

Want to protect your kids? Get an internet filter.

Have a gluten intolerance? Get an internet filter. (Or, watch this clip of my standup) Link: http://youtu.be/JgSoQj9K0gg

Here’s how it works: A guy (or maybe a girl?) installs software on his computer that tracks his internet browsing behavior, and then it sends an detailed report to a friend who can help keep him accountable. Seems logical right? Well, I have a filter, and I receive reports from a few buddies who have filters too.

Here are the top five awkward conversations that I’ve had as a result of internet filters

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Stuff Christians Like – The Movie

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(It’s guest post Friday! Here’s one from Stephen Pepper. You can check out his blog here.  You can also follow him on Twitter @youthworkinit. If you want to write a guest post for SCL, here’s how!)

Stuff Christians Like – The Movie

Jon’s already released a book based on Stuff Christians Like, but Rob Bell’s now teamed up with the producer of Lost to create a new TV show. I therefore think it’s time for Jon to take Stuff Christians Like to the next level and turn it into a TV series or movie.

What would it be about though? Here are some pitches to get the ball rolling:

The Jukes of Hazzard – Two cousins drive around, foiling the schemes of Boss Hogg. At the end of each episode, they tell him that if only he dedicated as much effort to doing the work of Jesus as he does to his shady dealings, the world would be a better place.

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Spouting Blasphemy by Accident

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(It’s guest post Friday! Here’s one from Justin & Trisha Davis. You can check out their blog here.  You can also follow them on Twitter @justindavis33 and @trishadavis23. If you want to write a guest post for SCL, here’s how!)

Last summer, my two oldest sons went to basketball camp at the college my wife Trisha and I attended. A few hours after we dropped them off, I got a text from my oldest. It said, “Dad, our coach for the week is your college basketball teammate, Kenny.” I texted back, “That’s awesome, have fun.”

But in my gut I was nervous. Kenny has stories to tell about me. Kenny has stories that I’m glad originated before Twitter or Facebook. Kenny is the keeper of stories that I’d successfully kept from my kids for 15 years.

Halfway through the week, I got a call from my boys. They were on speakerphone, and they were laughing hysterically.

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Bacon: God's Other Gift

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(It’s guest post Friday! Here’s one from Brandon Mitchener. You can read his blog here. You can also follow him on Twitter @bmitchener48.  If you want to write a guest post for SCL, here’s how!)

Bacon: God’s Other Gift

Let me just say this: I’m a meat kind of guy. There’s just something about a hearty steak, pork chop, or barbecue sauce-slathered ribs that equates to sheer euphoria. But there’s one meat in particular that beats out all other meats and foods and completely closes the argument about the existence of God. That meat, friends, is bacon.

Bacon is amazing. No, it can’t file your taxes, but that’s okay. Bacon is probably the one food that can go with any other food AND make it better. Bacon alone is phenomenal. Throw it in some grits (that’s good make-you-want-to-holler-Jesus Southern food), and you’ve got a party. Throw some bacon bits on a salad, and you’ve got a way to make any carnivore eat a green vegetable (see, it can work miracles, too). One fast food place even had a dessert item called the Bacon Sundae.

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Casually plagiarizing worship lyrics in our prayers

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(It’s guest post Friday! Here’s one from Robby Rasbaugh. You can read his blog here.  You can also follow him on Twitter @robbyrasbaugh.  If you want to write a guest post for SCL, here’s how!)

Casually plagiarizing worship lyrics in our prayers

Some time ago, I was chilling at the Bethel College coffee house with my buddy CJ having a friendly lunch appointment (or as we call it, a “man-date”). And as good brothers in Christ do, we prayed for each other. But as my buddy prayed, I noticed that some of his words sounded strangely familiar, and actually rather lyrical. This was the gist of what he prayed:

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Using Cliches From the Pulpit

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(It’s guest post Saturday! Here’s one from Bryan Allain in honor of his new humor book that just released this week – Actually, Clams Are Miserable:Deconstructing 101 Ridiculous Clichés. You can also follow him on Twitter @bryanallain.   If you want to write a guest post for SCL, here’s how!)

Using Cliches From the Pulpit

Any good writer will tell you to go through your work during the editing process and get rid of all the clichés. “Clichés are lazy,” the experts say. “They make you sound like an amateur.”

Well, I’ve got news for you, experts, I just started this sentence with a cliché and it felt amazing. What’s more, I wrote a whole book filled with clichés. One hundred and one of them to be exact. How about them apples?

It’s not that I want to defend clichés. On the contrary, the whole point of my new book is to poke fun at how stupid most of them are. But once in a while clichés are necessary, so can we all agree to be a little bit more liberal with our cliché grace in 2013?

I mean, look at pastors. How many messages are they speaking in a given year? Fifty Sundays plus a few Wednesdays plus a handful of funerals and weddings equals A WHOLE LOT OF ORIGINAL MATERIAL. They should be allowed to sneak in a cliché once in a while without receiving looks of condemnation from the grammar police in sheep’s clothing.

I don’t know about you, but I’m going to do my part by offering my pastor a free pass on three clichés he can use as much as he likes in the coming year. Though these clichés bug me just as much as the others in my book, here’s why I’ll let them slide from the pulpit.

1. “From the mouths of babes”

How this expression ever garnered a positive connotation is beyond me. For every cute ‘googoo’ and ‘gaga’ that comes out of a baby’s mouth you also get 41 spit-ups, 117 tantrums, and 50 ‘my diaper is a hot mess’ wails of anguish.

My guess is that this used to be longer, but it accidentally got truncated 250 years ago when a lazy monk was transcribing the first edition of What To Expect When You’re Expecting. The original expression was probably, “From the mouths of babes come vile fluids and sleep-destroying shrieks that will make you question your will to live.”

Don’t get me wrong, I love babies. I’m just not a fan of their mouths.

That being said, my pastor (Sam) has five kids, and stories about his clan are a staple of his messages for a reason: they’re fantastic. So feel free to follow up any one of those stories with this cliche in 2013, even if it is an unfinished sentence.

2. “That person really rubs me the wrong way”

Let me ask you something, pastor. Is there a right way for that person to rub you?

I didn’t think so.

Then again, I’m all for anything that reduces the overall amount of rubbing going on. So please, use this expression early and often.

3. “That’s like comparing apples and oranges”

Why is it wrong to compare apples and oranges? Apples are less messy to eat and offer a wider variety of choices. Oranges taste better and make a better juice. You see, I just compared them, and I like oranges better. Was that really that hard?

How about we start using an expression that truly displays a difficult comparison?

What about, “That’s like comparing wristbands and ear wax.”

Or, “That’s like comparing blocked bowels and the DHARMA Initiative.”

Or even, “That’s like comparing anxiety attacks and Roger Federer’s toothbrush.”

In my opinion, these are all much better comparisons than “apples and oranges.”

That being said, I understand how difficult it can be to improvise on the fly during your fourth message of the week. Sometimes it’s just a miracle that you pastors can string together three coherent sentences in a row.

So go ahead, keep pretending like it’s hard to compare hand fruits. I promise to withhold my judgment.

(Oranges, for the win.)

Questions:

1. Oranges or Apples, who you got?

2. What is your least favorite cliché, the one expression that irks you the most?

(If you enjoyed this post, check out the other 98 clichés Bryan pokes fun at in his new book Actually, Clams Are Miserable. It’s hilarious, it makes a great gift, and it’s available in paperback, PDF, and Kindle formats.)

Why Christians Love to Talk Smack

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(It’s guest post Friday! Here’s one from Margaret Feinberg. You can check out her blog here.  You can also follow her on Twitter @mafeinberg.  If you want to write a guest post for SCL, here’s how!)

Pulling into a church parking lot, I often find myself groaning at the bold, brazen, and boisterous declarations people make on the back of their cars.

There’s always the classic, “My child is an honor student” and the retort, “Your honor student sells bumper stickers!”

But I’m amazed when Christians really get into it. Like the Jesus fish stomping Darwin. Or the “God is not a Democrat” and “God is not a Republican” that gain popularity every four years. Or a church in Denver whose bumper stickers read, “My church can kick your church’s a–!”

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Synchronized Ushering

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(It’s guest post Friday! Here’s one from Josh Daffern. You can read his blog here.  You can also follow him on Twitter @joshdaffern.  If you want to write a guest post for SCL, here’s how!)

Synchronized Ushering

The world of ushering is itself an art form: the subtlety, the unspoken solemnity, the majesty of it all. Many ignorantly focus on the type of the offering plate itself (bucket vs. oversized cloth-covered dinner plate vs. two-pronged velour bag). What captivates me is the movement of the ushers themselves. Being raised in church, I’ve seen just about every type of ushering move there is:

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The Haiku Bible

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(It’s guest post Friday! Here’s one from Stephen Pepper. You can check out his blog here.  You can also follow him on Twitter @youthworkinit.  If you want to write a guest post for SCL, here’s how!)

The Haiku Bible

The Bible is full of different types of writing: narrative, poetry, imagery, history, prophecy, etc. You know one thing it doesn’t have? Haikus.

What’s a haiku? It’s a form of Japanese poetry that has 17 syllables, in the form of three phrases with 5, 7 and 5 syllables respectively. It made me wonder though: Is it because it’s Japanese poetry that it didn’t appear in the Bible? Or could it be because 5-7-5 is only one step away in each instance from 6-6-6?

I’ve taken the liberty of converting some parts of the Bible into haiku form. Just think of it as The Message, Japanese-style.

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