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Kids

Finally, a church knows how to pray.

June 30, 2014 by Jon

Well done church.

Photo via 9gag.

Photo via 9gag.

Of the many problems our feet will face, lego is the worst. (Is it lego or legos? What’s the plural of lego? Legi? Legon? Kenny Loggins? I feel like this is turning into a Brian Regan routine. Can we get a ruling on that one?)

I personally don’t need that prayer. I never step barefoot on legos. I step on them, all the time, but now that we live in Nashville I wear cowboy boots. Non stop. I don’t take them off. In the shower, in the pool, in our house, you can take my cowboy boots when you pry them from my cold, sweaty feet. (Even in death I will probably find a way to be too sweaty.)

I’m like a foot version of Tobias, in Arrested Development. I’m not a never nude, I’m a “never de-shoed.” We have rights you know. And lefts, both are covered in boots.

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Filed Under: Kids, Uncategorized

Babies crying during the sermon.

April 17, 2012 by Jon

A few weeks ago at church, there was a baby crying during the middle of the sermon.

Here is what immediately went through my head.

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Filed Under: Kids Tagged With: babies, in my head

SCLQ – The Spank Offering

August 16, 2011 by Jon

I wish I could take credit for this phrase, but I can’t. The “spank offering” is such a perfect complement to the “love offering” (SCL #72) that it makes my teeth hurt a little. What does it mean? I’ll allow author Beth Moore to explain it. Here’s something she tweeted over the weekend:

@bethmoorelpm
Have any of y’all ever wanted to give a spank offering to someone else’s child? Not really but kinda?

It immediately reminded me of two things:

1. I love Beth Moore. In addition to being amazingly kind to my family, she’s got a great sense of humor.
2. This post – “Not knowing what to do about good friends who are raising punk kids.”

And the funny thing is, that at some point, we’ve all been the parents with kids who need to receive a “spank offering.” This concept isn’t limited to “good parents” or “bad parents,” it’s “all parents.”

So, have you ever wanted to give a spank offering?

Filed Under: Kids Tagged With: Kids, parents

12 posts I wrote about being a dad

July 21, 2011 by Jon

A few months ago, I had the chance to write a “dad blog” series of posts. I’ve never done that before, but with two little girls dominating the Acuff house, parenting is a topic I keep coming back to. My friends at E-Mealz gave me some space to explore 12 ideas about being a dad. In case you missed it, here are the links to the posts I wrote.

1. Dinner, unplugged

2. Better dinners through bigger stories

3. You can’t hate what you’ve never tried

4. Dinner is a bucket

5. The truth about stale cake

6. The thing about knives

7. Dinner is a catapult

8. The rewind button

9. Later is a land of make believe

10. What’s your story?

11. The warning

12. The problem with perfect

Filed Under: Kids, Uncategorized

Reacting in Christian Love When Your Spouse “Out Parents” You.

March 21, 2011 by Jon

I love my wife. She is the reason I’ve been able to write three books. She’s the smartest, kindest person I know. And though it’s a prerequisite that as a Christian husband you’re required by law to say that you “married over your head,” this is actually true with me. That’s not an exaggeration. Ask John Ortberg. When he signed a copy of his fantastic book “The Me I Want to Be” for Jenny he wrote, “Jenny, you married way beneath you.”

That’s just gospel truth. But recently I’ve faced a new dilemma.

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Filed Under: Kids Tagged With: parents

Putting the wrong Bible verse on things.

November 9, 2010 by Jon

A few weeks ago when I was in Mexico, someone challenged me to eat an entire thing of queso in one bite.

One bite? How is that even possible? It’s all gooey and barely “spoonable.” You don’t really “bite it.”

Ahh, but this one had congealed. It had hardened into a hockey puck of cheese. It was one thick disc of cheese in a bowl. And at the other end of the table, I heard one friend tell the other that he’d never eat that just to win $40.

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Filed Under: Kids

Eagerly awaiting the invasion of Christian Silly Bandz.

July 6, 2010 by Jon

Last week, the Friendly Atheist, who has been incredibly kind to Stuff Christians Like, thought something I wrote was unintentionally funny. In the Snopes post he thought it was odd that I felt the need to explain what Snopes was. It’s so well known and so obvious that he didn’t think I needed to.

This is how intense life is at the Acuff house.

But when I asked my mom if she had heard of Snopes, she instantly replied, “You mean Snopes Dog?” So with today’s post, in addition to giving you a photo of my four year old McRae throwing up a gang sign she learned from the original movie “Parent Trap,” while wearing Silly Bandz, I thought I better describe them. They’re colored rubber bands that are hot like fire right now. (And is my whole family “street” or what? Mom, Snoop Dog reference, Crae throwing it up. Dang)

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Filed Under: Kids, Uncategorized Tagged With: Kids

Making purple – 11 ways to stop camp kissing.

August 13, 2009 by Jon

When I was a teenager, 89% of my energy at summer camp and church retreats was spent trying to kiss girls. “Tender Ronis” if you will. The important word to note in that first sentence is “trying.” I know this may shock many of you, but I was not a ladies man.

I would have preferred to be well behaved at camp when I was a teen but there’s a secret guild of pastor’s kids that makes you act up. They approached me when I turned 13 and informed me that as the eldest son in our family, it was my job to live up to the song “Son of a Preacher Man.” So I did what I had to do for the safety of my family. The PKG (Pastor’s Kid Guild) is a dangerous bunch. I’ve said too much.

But times have changed. I’m a dad of two little girls now that will one day go to summer camp or a church retreat. And when they do, some punk kid with a name like “Thayyne” is going to try to make purple with them. (Boys are signified as representing the color blue and girls the color pink. When they kiss, they make purple, so it’s common to hear youth ministers yelling “no making purple” at camp.)

And knowing that I can only arm my kids with so much sarcasm and Godly wisdom, I decided to create something youth ministers and leaders can use to dramatically reduce the amount of making out at camp. Taking lessons from Sun Tzu’s Art of War and Greene’s 48 Laws of Power, I have created the “Reduction Of Making Purple” Manifesto, otherwise known as the

ROMP Manifesto
1. Eliminate wartime propaganda
When Mao was fighting against the Nationalists in China, they used all sorts of propaganda to encourage their enemy to give up and join their side. Think that same thing doesn’t happen at camp? You’re crazy. The first thing you want to do is make a rule that no pants with writing on the butt can be worn.

2. Encourage bad breath
In the eighth grade I used to date a girl named Sue. After every school dance, during which boys sat sullenly on one side and girls on the other while listening to Ace of Bass, we would walk to a local pizza joint. It used to kill me when Sue would eat ranch flavored chips. Those may taste great, but it makes your breath smell like warm garbage. And white cheddar popcorn has the same effect. It tastes good but makes your fingers and your mouth smell like throw up. So instead of having a well-stocked snack table or snack booth at camp, only offer bad breath items after 5PM. Call it the “garlic pickle rule.” Don’t sell gum or mints or other things that are going to make kids’ mouths like Alpine ski resorts of freshness. Focus on things like Swiss cheese, kippered jerky and other unpleasantly-flavored delights.

3. Know your enemy
Weeks before camp or a retreat begins go over the roster of people that will be attending with your staff. Put a check by the name of everyone you think is likely to at one point kiss someone. Go ahead and put a check by any of the pastor’s kids. Don’t be fooled by the dorks either. You might think the kids playing world of warcraft 82 hours a day aren’t going to make out, but they will. As Sun Tzu says, “If you know the enemy and know yourself, your victory will not stand in doubt.”

4. Don’t create Gremlins
In the movie, “Gremlins,” the little creatures who were the star of the film got out of control if you fed them after a certain time. I look at kids and energy drinks the same way. Don’t let the kids load up on caffeine, but don’t just throw the energy drinks away. The Art of War says that “A wise general makes a point of foraging on the enemy.” Save those drinks for yourself, you’re going to need them my friend.

5. Get an informant
You need an inside man. Someone that can feed you information, like when someone is sneaking out or where the make out spots are. You’ll be tempted to play this role yourself, but don’t. Teens can spot a youth minister trying to act cool a mile away. Instead, find someone that will do the job for you if you give them an important sounding title like “assistant to the regional manager of no kissing.”

6. Master the terrain
Chances are, there are only a few places that kids could use for making purple. On the first day you get to camp, send out advance scouts. Have them analyze the area and take control of the high ground. Cabins your group isn’t using, secluded spots by the lake, tool sheds, your enemy is like water flowing to a weak spot in a dam. Go there first and create a “kiss map” so instead of trying to cover an entire camp ground at midnight when two kids go missing, you can check the five or six possible hot spots.

7. Make a sacrifice
Charles Maurice de Talleyrand was one of Napoleon’s chief advisors. When Napoleon was first sent to exile, Talleyrand knew that he would try to retake France. He felt that Napoleon would destroy the country, so he actually helped speed up Napoleon’s comeback plans. He realized that the faster he could make Napoleon fail at his plans, the less harm it would cause France. You need to do the same thing at camp. Instead of fighting the making purple issue, make it really easy for one couple to kiss and then get caught. One of the best ways to beat the enemy is to crush what scientists call their “kissing spirit.” OK, I made that phrase up, but the principle stands. Set a trap for two kids, give them a few seconds to kiss and then spring from the woods with your troops. As punishment, make them wear cow bells for the rest of camp. In addition to knowing where they are all times, you’ll show the entire camp that the teenage Kryptonite, embarrassment, awaits anyone caught.

8. Never underestimate the enemy
It’s tempting to believe in the kindness of humanity. Resist that temptation. I know people that made purple on mission trips. Another friend’s parents thought he gained 40 pounds in high school from being a big eater and didn’t suspect beer. My friend’s new car got smashed at church in the parking lot and the church member hit and run without leaving a note. As the policeman that filed the report said, “Even churches have squirrelly people.” Don’t think your kids who love sleeping in won’t set their alarms to sneak out at four in the morning. Don’t think that we won’t use a prayer walk as a chance to go make out. Don’t underestimate what we are capable of.

9. Never show your hand
When you are sharing the rules at camp, don’t reveal too many of your plans. Don’t say things like “we’ll be watching the lake shore and checking all the cabins at midnight to make sure everyone is in bed.” If you told me that as a teen, what I would have heard is, “Avoid the lake and feel free to leave your cabin three minutes after midnight.” As Sun Tzu advises, “By altering his arrangements and changing plans, the general keeps the enemy without definitive knowledge. By shifting his camp and taking circuitous routes, he prevents the enemy from anticipating his purpose.”

10. Use chemical warfare
Kids at camp should smell bad. That’s part of camp. That’s just what you do at a retreat. You should have a unique smell combination of sweat, sun tan lotion and bootleg cookies. So on day one, use chemical warfare and go around to each dorm and confiscate body sprays, colognes and perfumes. .

11. Embrace audio assaults
You might not need to confiscate Prince’s “Purple Rain” as I imagine today’s teens have not discovered this fantastic record. But google a few songs before camp starts and make sure you never hear them played in the cabins. Lil’ Wayne’s song “lollipop” for instance should be eliminated at the gate. If you want to go old school fundamental, you can light them all on fire in a awesome bonfire of judgment. A bonus benefit is that everyone will smell smoky, which fits idea #10.

There are certainly other methods that work well when it comes to reducing camp make outs. But it’s almost the weekend and I didn’t want to turn on the SCL fire hose too hard and drown folks in words at the end of the week.

Did I miss one? Some technique that will work well? Let me know.

Filed Under: Kids, youth group

The things your kid brings home from Sunday School.

July 30, 2009 by Jon

A few weeks ago my five year old was given a loud New Year’s Eve party type plastic horn during Sunday School. I think the horn had something to do with the celebration the prodigal son was thrown when he returned home but I’m not 100% positive because it was hard to hear her explanation over the loud horn blowing she was doing in the church hallway. And then in the parking lot. And then in the car. And then in our kitchen. Needless to say, when she took a nap, I Houdini’d that horn out of our house never to be seen again.

But it got me thinking, what other Sunday School items send instant dread into me? The horn is a starter, but what other things should never, ever be given to kids in Sunday School? If only there was a comprehensive, yet short, list, perhaps called:

Things we should never give kids in Sunday School:

1. Marshmallows
I feel like we already voted on this, goldfish crackers are the official snack of Sunday School, but occasionally my five year old will emerge from class with a Dixie cup full of marshmallows. She tends to pack for the road, and never eats the snack in the class but instead enjoys eating it in the car while sitting next to her three year old sister who happens to not have a lap full of delightful marshmallows. This is torture. This needs to stop. I can only negotiate so many more marshmallow exchange programs in the backseat. Let’s stick with goldfish please, the marshmallow is too delicious and volatile of a snack for a Sunday morning.

2. Wet paint
I don’t know that a Sunday School project is ever really dry. You could probably leave it in the desert, under the relentless glare of the yellow sun for a year and when you returned and picked up the Noah’s Ark painting, some paint would get on your hands. And your shirt and your back seat and your couch at home and eventually your fridge. Granted, most kids are surrealists when it comes to painting and act like they’re making topographical maps they layer on the paint so thick, but let’s lean into crayons hard instead of globs of paint. And not Prang, those things are horrible. Real, honest to goodness crayons. Death to paint. Long live Crayola, even though that “sharpener” thing on the back of the box is useless.

3. Cool things that only one class gets
If the five year old class gets a lamb puppet with a horn nose and the three year old class gets a piece of paper that says, “Jesus Loves You” you might as well send them home with a UFC fighting octagon as well because it’s “go time” at the Acuff house. I don’t want to say that we’re raising little communists, but equality makes the world go round when it comes to kids. Please don’t do some amazing handout or toy or gift for one class and then just give the other kids hugs as the take home.

4. Glitter of any sort
I will write about the horrors of glitter until the die I day, which is also how long the glitter from a Sunday School or Vacation Bible School project will remain in your home. You can’t clean up glitter. It laughs at vacuums, giggles at wet paper towels and somehow multiples like a craft bunny. “Oh, cute, they used blue and pink glitter to design this fish during a story about God creating the world” you’ll think the first time your kid comes home glittered. Think again, because years later when you grab your keys to take your now college aged kid to Freshman orientation your hand will emerge with glitter on it from the junk draw where you keep the keys. Glitter never dies. You’re only hope is to never bring it home, but do you really want to be that guy who throws his kid’s Sunday School project away in a trash can in the hall at church? No you don’t.

That’s my list of things we shouldn’t send home. But what do we want kids to get in Sunday School? Well, I’ve only volunteered twice in our church’s Sunday School classes but do you know what I sent those kids home with? Exhaustion.

I ran them like they were on some sort of toddler P90X program. We played chase and tag and cars and princesses until they could barely move. That’s what we should give kids in Sunday School, reasons to have long Sunday afternoon naps. Until the rest of the world subscribes to that theory though, please just promise me no more marshmallows.

Filed Under: Kids

Feeling guilty for not homeschooling your kids or sending them to a Christian school.

July 20, 2009 by Jon

A few weeks ago I lied to a guy at church. I didn’t mean to, I wasn’t planning on playing him like that, it just happened.

I was in the hall getting my daughter L.E. out of Sunday School. He and I have talked before about the private Christian school his kids go to. So while we waited in line, he made small talk and asked, “Have you guys decided on a school yet?”

The truth is, we have. We’re sending our daughter to Kindergarten at the public school down the street. But what came out of my mouth when he asked that question was, “No, we haven’t made a decision yet.”

Wow, Jon Acuff = liar. And when I talked later with my wife about why I lied to my friend, I realized, “I feel guilty for not homeschooling or sending my kids to a private Christian school.”

Where did that come from? My friend certainly never said or did anything to make me feel that way. He’s one of the kindest, nicest people on the planet. I don’t think I’ve read anything in the Bible that says, “If you want to be a real Christian you have to homeschool your kids or send them to private school,” so how did I end up with this belief?

I’m not sure, but I think it might be because I tend to buy into stereotypes. When my neighbor said to me, “The public schools are great here except for the middle school when you have to start worrying about the street gangs” I started to believe in my head, “Great, every public school on the planet is riddled with gangs. It’s not hard enough to be a teenage girl, why don’t I send my daughter to a school where in addition to puberty, she will one day have to wrestle with gang affiliation in the eighth grade.” And then when I meet a teenager that is homeschooled and polite I think, “If I want to have polite, God-loving, awesome kids I have to homeschool them.”

I tend to accept the extremes as the rule, but I’m finding that the more I can put my stereotypes on the table, the easier it is for me to laugh at them and then move on to the truth. So today, I thought I’d throw out my favorite stereotypes for public schools, homeschooling and private Christian schools, giggle at them and then move on. Here goes:

Public School Stereotypes
1. If you send your kid to public school they’re going to be constantly learning about evolution. Even gym class will have some sort of Darwinian dodgeball kind of game they play. Every class they take will be evolution focused and eventually they will hate the Bible and creation.

2. When they’re not learning about evolution, your kids will be taking sex ed classes that Larry Flynt, Hugh Hefner and the satan himself funded.

3. If you send your kid to public school, they will “grow up fast” and walk away from the church.

4. If you send your kid to public school, you can look at it like a mission field because they’ll have a chance to witness to so many people.

5. If you send your kid to public school, you’ll have to supplement the Bible they’re not getting during the day with round the clock Bible study at home from the moment school gets out until the second your kids go to sleep at night.

Private Christian School Stereotypes
1. If you send your kid to Private Christian school, they’ll study the Bible all day and form a lifelong relationship with Christ that no man can tear asunder.

2. If you send your kid to Private Christian school, they’ll eventually go wild if they go to a non Christian college because suddenly they won’t have all the same restrictions they are used to.

3. If you think public school kids are fast, send your kids to a private school where the kids actually have money for the big, serious drugs and have the time and financial freedom to really get crazy.

4. If you send your kids to a private Christian school, you can worry less about family Bible time because that’s the school’s job, not yours.

5. If you send your kid to private Christian school you’ll never have to worry about mean kids, or your kids having enough friends or any of the other challenging things that come with being a teenager because everyone at a private Christian school is a Christian and loves one another.

Homeschool Stereotypes
1. If you homeschool your kids, you have to become “pseudo Amish” and your wife has to grow her hair down to her waist, learn how to make her own clothes, grow your own food and churn your own butter.

2. If you homeschool your kids, they’ll be so socially stunted that they won’t know how to handle any social interaction outside of your own family.

3. If you homeschool your kids, you can take family vacations whenever you want because you’re no longer a slave to the school system’s calendar.

4. If you homeschool your kids, they can’t go to the prom, play sports, and have friends with last names different than your own.

5. If you homeschool your kids, they’ll have to go to a small Bible college somewhere in the woods because “homeschool valedictorian” doesn’t hold a lot of clout on a college application.

Those are the stereotypes bouncing around my head right now.

How about you? Have you ever felt guilty for not sending your kids to private Christian school or homeschooling them?

Where you homeschooled?

Did you go to a private Christian school?

What’s your take on the whole school thing?

Did I miss any stereotypes?

Filed Under: Church, church culture, Kids

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Jon Acuff is the New York Times Bestselling author of four books including his most recent, Start: Punch Fear in the Face, Escape Average & Do Work that Matters. Read More…

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