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Awkward Singles Events

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Across the nation, with Valentine’s Day quickly approaching, churches are planning singles events. A potpourri of awesomeness wrapped in a tortilla shell of awkwardness, these events are almost too wondrous to behold. Though it’s been a few years I can still recall my last one.

I got stuck in the closet. Unlike R. Kelly, I was just trying to get my coat. Suddenly, a guy from another church blocked the doorway, effectively preventing me from leaving. I could still hear “safe enough for church” slow dance music playing in the background. Things looked dire, but fortunately, much like Kim Possible, I have a grab bag of karate moves and was able to back flip my way out of there.

But what about you, what happens if you’re single and you get stuck at an awkward singles event? How do you avoid going one? How do you recognize what might be awkward? Just look for the following signs:

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The scared straight marriage speech.

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A few weeks ago at church, my pastor Andy Stanley shared one of his parenting techniques. He didn’t say it was for everyone. He didn’t say it was perfect. He wasn’t really recommending it, but it still sounded good to me.

When Andy finds a mess somewhere in his house, he calls his kids to the room. Instead of telling them to clean up or fix everything, he says something like this:

“Please ask me to clean up this room for you. Please tell me, ‘Dad, I’ve created a mess that I’d like you to clean up.’ Or you can call your mom and ask her.”

Instantly, his kids get the point and understand what he’s telling them. When they create a mess they act like it doesn’t impact anyone else, so he does his best to show how their actions have consequence for everyone in the house. And a few days ago I tried this technique with my own kids to some less than stellar results.

My kids had made our playroom, or ‘dining room we can’t dine in,’ a disaster. It was hard to tell exactly what happened but I think the American Girl Dolls got into some sort of turf war with the Bitty Twins. There were doll shoes and purses and barrettes everywhere. Real street fight. I could have CSI’d the scene and figured out what happened, but it didn’t matter. I needed my kids to clean it up.

So I called in my 6 year old daughter L.E. and my 4 year old daughter McRae. I sat them down, explained to them that I wanted them to ask me to clean up their mess for them and then I waited.

L.E. looked at her sister with a face that said, “Crae, is this really happening? Is dad volunteering to clean up after us? This is fantastic.” Then she looked at me and said, “OK, dad, will you clean up our mess?” Then my wife laughed out loud.

It didn’t work. My kids weren’t phased by it. There were happy to let me clean up after them. My scared straight tactic didn’t work. It failed. But that’s OK because I know a scared straight tactic that always works and so do you – the “marriage is difficult” tactic.

It’s almost Christian law that a minister must give you the “scared straight marriage speech” during your wedding. Usually crammed between the opening comments and the repeat after me statements and hopefully not a pastor sex joke, the scared straight marriage speech is pretty simple. Here are the pieces:

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Being single during Christmas at church.

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One of the most popular Stuff Christians Like posts of all time was #550. Surviving church as a single. But recently, a friend who is single came to town for the holidays and I realized I had missed whole chunks of awkwardness in describing the bottomless joy that is “Being single during Christmas at church.”

So instead of simply remixing an old post, I decided to create a holiday-focused scorecard. Think of it like a seasonal ale they put nutmeg in during January. It only comes around this time of year. Without further ado, I give you:

Being single during Christmas at church:

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The Sexy Sermon Series.

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If Zondervan lets me write a second book, I’ll probably title it “How to grow a huge church in 1 easy step.” And inside the book, which I will insist on having my picture on, will be a single piece of paper. (Talk about being green!) And on that piece of paper will be the secret to instant church growth.

Want to know it? Want a sneak peek or really I guess it’s not a peek so much as it is the whole book? Here it is:

“If you want to grow your church instantly, do a sermon series about sex.”

Many of you have probably already stopped reading this post and are currently hanging billboards around your town advertising the new sermon series your church is going to do. But maybe that book needs a second page. Maybe that one sentence is not enough. Maybe it’s not easy to name a sex sermon series. So I did some research and put together a little quiz that will hopefully help you think through what you should title your series. Below are a bunch of names for sex sermon series, including some websites. Some are real and are from actual churches. Some are fake and are from my head. See if you can guess which ones are which:

Sexy sermon series or something Jon made up?

1. “Yourultimatelover.com”
A. That’s a real sermon series.
B. Jon made that up.

2. “Great Sex for You”
A. That’s a real sermon series.
B. Jon made that up.

3. “Bringing Sexy Back”
A. That’s a real sermon series.
B. Jon made that up.

4. “Electric Sex”
A. That’s a real sermon series.
B. Jon made that up.

5. “Whatsbetweenthesheets.com”
A. That’s a real sermon series.
B. Jon made that up.

6. “Desperatesexlives.com”
A. That’s a real sermon series.
B. Jon made that up.

7. “Solomon is the OT’s version of the musician Prince. Love notes from a man whose awesomeness with the ladies eventually brought him to ruin.”
A. That’s a real sermon series.
B. Jon made that up.

How’d you do? Want the answer key? OK, they’re all real. Each one of those titles was from a church sermon series. Whoa, curve ball. I zigged right when you were expecting a zag, I bobbed when you were expecting a weave, I Marloned Wayans right when you were expecting me to Kenan Ivory Wayans. Or maybe you saw through the whole thing, even the fake one I threw in at the end.

I’m not sure what the approach some churches are taking with the subject of sex says about us. Are we talking about it too much? Are we using it as a subject because it garners lots of attention? Or are we not talking about it enough?

I’m torn on this one. On the one hand, the world has a loud, noisy, colorful campaign about sex. They are constantly bombarding us with messages about it and for us to remain silent or to allow the world to try to claim that topic as their own domain seems foolish. I cheer that the churches on this list are sharing God’s word with our culture with creativity and funk. But at the same time, I think it’s really tempting to use that topic as a neon sign that will attract people to a topic but maybe not the Lord. Pastor Craig Groeschel dropped some bombs on this subject at a conference I went to when he talked about the foolishness of doing a sex sermon series just as a way to make your church look cool. And I confess that even as a silly blogger it’s tempting to write about controversial subjects in the hope that controversy will attract more eyeballs.

Where do you stand on that?

Does the church talk about sex too much?

Or not enough?

Planning the ultimate Christian wedding.

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I used to write advertising for a company that specialized in rental tuxedos. One of my jobs was to answer all the emails that people sent to a fictional girl called “Jenny.” So on any given day I was emailing wedding advice to anxious would be brides about everything from what color cummerbunds would match a bridesmaid’s dress to how to politely ask groomsmen to pay for their own tuxes.

The idea of me giving girls advice about color schemes and wedding dresses is absurd. I was horrible at that part of my job and I regret if you ever got some ridiculous email signed by “Jenny.” That was me. I thought chocolate was going to be the new black and coral was darker than salmon. My bad.

But despite my woeful color schemes, I do think I can help you plan the ultimate Christian wedding. I’ve been in a few, I’m about to do one and over the last year you shared a lot of ideas about them. Plus, after “Surviving Church as a Single” became the biggest post ever on Stuff Christians Like I felt like the married readers needed some love too. Without further ado, I give you:

The Ultimate Christian Wedding Scorecard

1. You have someone read a Bible verse at your wedding. = +1 point for each verse

2. You have someone read 1 Corinthians 13, love is patient at your wedding = +2 points

3. You have someone read verses from Song of Solomon in the message version of the Bible and the verses sound vaguely like a Prince lyric and somehow include the phrase, “let’s make out.” = +3 points

4. The person you ask to read the verse is not a Christian and your primary purpose in asking them is that you hope that touching the Bible will rub off on them via osmosis. = +1 point

5. You do a unity candle. = +2 points

6. You weave three ribbons (representing you, your spouse and God) into a single strand that cannot be torn asunder. = +2 points

7. You refuse to hold a bachelor party because they’re evil. = +1 point

8. You hold a bachelor party but call it a “guys that love Jesus golfing together party” = +3 points

9. The pastor that does your ceremony cracks a joke about sex = +3 points for every joke

10. You and your spouse take communion during the ceremony = +3 points

11. You and everyone at the wedding take communion during the ceremony = +4 points

12. You take a love offering during the ceremony = – 3 points

13. The pastor mentions the “don’t let the sun go down on your anger” principle = + 1 point

14. You have a live bird of prey at the podium with you and your bride in order to symbolize the “mount up like eagles” Bible verse = +10 points

15. You receive a, “As for me and my house” plaque for a wedding gift = +1 point for each

16. You receive a Thomas Kinkade painting for a wedding gift = +1 point for each

17. You receive the first 15 volumes of the Left Behind book series in a commemorative wheelbarrow because the girth of that many books is physically staggering = +5 points

18. You don’t have dancing at the reception because it’s held in a church and that church doesn’t approve of dancing and you miss your chance to dance, dance, dance the night away Jon Acuff. = -1 point

19. You have dancing at the reception and your grandmother gets on the floor and dances to Fergie’s song “Fergilicious,” Bennett Acuff (my little brother) = +1 million points

20. At any point during the ceremony a Shofar horn makes a cameo = + 1 point

21. The favor you give everyone is a Bible = +3 points

22. The Bibles are Gideon editions you stole from the hotel all the guests are staying at. = -4 points

23. Your pastor can’t resist the temptation of a captive audience and ad libs the entire gospel message in the middle of your vows = +1 point

24. Your pastor asks you to take a seat for a minute so that people have room to come forward for the altar call. = +2 points

25. Your pastor mentions the phrase “covenant relationship” = + 2 points for each use

26. Your pastor tells the story of Adam and Eve = +3 points

27. Your pastor highlights the verses about “wives submitting to their husband” = +1 point

28. Your crazy aunt boos or hisses from the crowd when she hears this = – 2 points

29. The church you get married in lets you know upfront that they only allow “sacred music” and if you get married there you better expect the organ to be the main instrument used. = +3 points

0 – 10 Points = Not a big fan of God huh? Didn’t feel like inviting Him to your wedding? Didn’t think you could find a tux big enough for Him? Interesting.

11-20 Points = I don’t want to call you “lukewarm” but it’s possible you registered for gifts at that store, “I’m kind of a Christian.”

21+ Points = Welcome to the big leagues. Your wedding is just like church except there’s cake at the end. Onward Christian soldier.

How did you score? I hit over 30 because we got married at a conservative church in Atlanta.

How about you?

What other Christian wedding staples did I miss?

What did you do at your wedding or weddings you’ve been to?

Thinking pre-marital counseling is for everyone and post-marital counseling is for failures.

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Sure, my wife and I went to pre-marital counseling. Are you kidding? We wanted to start our marriage on a solid foundation of communication and respect and love. It was great working with that counselor to really understand the differences we bring to this relationship and how God can use those to create oneness in our hearts and our home. That’s just what you do before you get married. Every Christian knows pre-marital counseling is critical.

Post marital counseling? Is that what you’re suggesting we do? Who told you our marriage was in trouble?

It was Frank, wasn’t it? Ugh, that Frank. Plank in his eyeball! Our marriage is fine. We’re happy, things are great. Sure we have ups and downs like any marriage but unless my wife has had an affair, secretly developed a secret credit card debt or has some sort of weird willow tree figurine habit that I don’t know about, I don’t think we need to go to post marital counseling.

We don’t need maintenance. The principles we learned during pre-marital counseling became magically cemented in our souls when we put our rings on in front of friends and family members. Those lessons we learned had a 60 year guarantee. I feel like our pre-marital counselor might have mentioned that we needed to continually work on the strength of our marriage and nurture our love continually with a great degree of intentionality, but it’s weird because as soon as we got married, those things just naturally started happening without any discernible effort on my part. Pretty cool, right?

And plus, everyone knows post marital counseling is the last stop on the “your marriage sucks” train line. It’s where you go when your house is on fire, or there’s some sort of relational komodo dragon that’s come between you and your wife. It’s not somewhere you go for a tune up. I wouldn’t even know who to ask to find a counselor. The minute I did, people at church would whisper about us and pray for us because they’d know things were dire.

Nope, I’m good. I did all the learning I needed to do before the wedding ceremony. After the ceremony it was time for living. See that? That was alliteration. Learning vs. Living. How could I possibly need counseling when I’m able to alliterate at that level?

If anything I should be giving other people counseling, in how to be awesome.

Surviving church as a single.

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Single adults, I have failed you.

Although I’ve written a handful of ideas about being single at church, I’ve never really done that topic justice.

So today, I created a list of all the different stereotypes and challenges singles have to navigate when they go to church. From the “get married right this second” friends to the “this guy has a pulse and so do you so maybe that’s enough in common to fall in love” friends, it’s all here.

And I can’t take credit for it. I read your comments about real things that have happened to you at church, got ideas from my single friends, and received a great email from a pastor named Jeff. I took it all and created a point based scorecard.

Ready to play?

The Surviving Church as a Single Scorecard

1. Your church doesn’t have a singles ministry. = + 1 point

2. Your church has a singles ministry but it’s combined with the college ministry which creates opportunities for conversations like this:
Student: “My roommate bought a microwave for our dorm room. I love being a Freshman!”
Single: “My 401K is underperforming.” = +2 points

3. Your church has a singles ministry but it’s a triad that combines college, single adults and divorce recovery. = + 3 points

4. Your church has a singles ministry but it’s the dreaded quad, combining college, single adults, divorce recovery and retired widowers that refuse to move to Florida. = +4 points

5. Someone pays you the world’s most backhanded compliment, “I just don’t understand how someone as great as you isn’t married yet.” = +1 point

6. Someone told you, “If you stop looking for love you’ll find it.” 2 points for each time you’ve heard that.

7. At church, people give you weird looks if you refuse to sit in the “singles” section of the sanctuary. = +1 point

8. When people introduce you, they say, “This is Matt, my single friend.” = +2 points

9. When people introduce you they feel compelled to list out your accomplishments, “This is Sally, my single friend who owns her own home, drives a luxury sedan and has a very, very stable job.” = +3 points

10. Your friends that have been married for 15 minutes act like they suddenly don’t remember anything about dating and therefore can’t give you any advice. “It’s been so long since I dated, things have changed so much. I’m just out of that whole scene.” + 2 points

11. People are constantly volunteering you for things because, “you’re single, you’ve got so much free time.” = +1 point

12. People at church act a little surprised when they ask you, “How are you doing?” and you respond with, “Things are great right now. I love my life!” = +1 point

13. Married friends try to live vicariously through you, asking questions like, “What did you do this weekend? Road trip? I bet you went on some crazy cool, singles road trip, right?” = +2 points

14. Someone you just met for the first time said a sentence like this to you, “If you want to get married, you need to ______.” = +2 points

15. Whenever married friends call you at noon on a Saturday, they start the conversation by saying, “Did I just wake you up?” = +3 points

16. You assume that if you don’t get engaged by final exams of your senior year in college you’ll never get married. = -2 points

17. You’ve secretly always wanted your own cat but are afraid that ownership of a single kitten will become some sort of gateway drug to becoming “the cat lady.” = – 2 points

18. You’ve ever given an impassioned, enraged monologue on the injustice that men who are single get to age gracefully and be considered “bachelors” while women are instantly judged as “crazy cat ladies.” = – 3 points

19. You’ve got a “don’t perpetuate the cat lady stereotype,” monologue locked and loaded at all times and have already stopped reading this post so you can put it in the comments section. = – 5 points

20. Someone has quoted the “it’s not good for man to be alone” Bible verse to you. = +2 points.

21. When friends invite you to their church they start the invite by listing both the quantity and hotness of the singles that go there. = +1 point

22. That friend was named Jon Acuff and he said, “No one in Atlanta should ever involuntarily remain single with so many awesome single people at North Point Community Church.” (I’ve said this a lot. My bad.) = + 3 points

23. Your married friends tip toe around you during February because they think you’re too delicate to handle the completely made up holiday, Valentine’s Day. = +1 point

24. You are too delicate to handle Valentine’s Day and have been known to describe it with a rich tapestry of words no Christian should even know exist, never mind actually say out loud. = + 1 point

25. The person that leads the singles ministry at your church got married in 1964. = +10 points for each decade they’ve been married.

26. Someone told you, “Maybe you need to focus on being more like a Proverbs 31 woman.” = 2 points for each time it wasn’t sincere encouragement.

27. You didn’t know you were supposed to be unhappy as a single adult until you went to church and found the singles ministry to be akin to a support group. = +3 points

28. Upon hearing that you went on a first date with someone, your single friends at church stop inviting you to the single events because “you’re in a relationship already.” = +2 points

29. Upon hearing that you went on two dates, your married friends at church start telling you, “I’ll be praying that this is the one!” = + 3 points

30. Your best friend of 15 years gets married and then suddenly acts like a magical gap has opened up between you and decides that until you get married too you can’t be close again because you just don’t understand each other anymore. = +3 points

31. To justify giving a four week marriage sermon series to a congregation that is 60% single, the pastor throws out one blanket statement like this at the beginning of the series, “And you single people listen up to this too, this well serve you well when you get married too.” = +2 points

32. You set your alarm to “not going to church today” after the first week of the marriage sermon series. = – 2 points

33. The only time your married friends invite you over is when they need a babysitter. = +3 points

34. Someone throws the “Paul was never married” card on you. = +2 points

35. Friends assume that the only qualification that matters to you when it comes to finding a date is that she’s available and set you up with people you have nothing in common with. = +2 points

36. You’ve ever said the rhyme, “I’m a bachelor til’ the rapture.” = – 1 point

37. During a prayer at church celebrating wedding anniversaries, the person praying says a special prayer for all the people that are still single and lonely. (True story) = +1 point

38. You have a friend that feels like creating a dating profile on eHarmony is a sign that you might not be trusting God enough to provide a soul mate. = + 1 point

39. You’ve developed highly sensitive, “They’re about to throw the bouquet” radar and know exactly when to leave a wedding. = +2 points

40. Instead of saying that you’re “single” your friends describe you as “Not married yet.” = +2 points

How did you score? Did I miss any? Have you experienced some that just weren’t on that list?

Singles of the world unite and post your score proudly and when someone tries to stereotype you, tell them Razzle Dazzle, Razzle Dazzle.

Getting caught off guard by divorce.

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I’m married, and if you are too, then statistically speaking, one of us is going to get a divorce.

I’m not writing that to be sensational, but I just want to be clear that it’s a big deal. And I don’t know if we Christians do a very good job of treating it as such.

Look at it this way: if one out of every two neighbors on your street got mauled by a bear, would you be more careful about bears? Would you buy books on how to keep your house safe from bears? Would you carry a gun and bear spray if there were in fact such a thing as bear spray? Probably. Yet, when it comes to divorce, we don’t do many equivalent things. And the ratios are equally as high as that bear scenario.

When was the last time you and your wife visited a counselor for just a tune up? What was the last book the two of you read together to strengthen your marriage? If you have kids, how many dates do you go on every month?

I fail at most of those things, so please don’t read finger-pointing in this post. My wife and I have far more fake dates at home (dinner after the kids are in bed) than real dates and for Valentine’s Day we got each other a hot water heater. It’s a “State Select” model which I’ve been assured is one of the sexier hot water heaters available. The finger is pointed at me. I just think divorce is something we should think about and maybe work on changing in our generation.

(This was one of the earliest posts I wrote on this site and felt appropriate for the tail end of love month.)

p.s. What’s the best marriage advice you ever heard? Mine was that “In most relationships there is a “how person” and a “wow person.” When the wow person tells the how person ‘I’ve got a crazy idea, we should start a business and then learn how to paint and then go camping, etc, etc, etc, the how person will ask questions like ‘where will we get the money for that, what about your job, when would we have the time?’ They think they’re contributing to the conversation but the wow person often takes it as an attack against the idea. So instead of saying “how” when a wow person comes up with a lot of ideas, the how person should say “wow” because the reality is that the wow person is going to execute maybe 1 out of 100 of the ideas and just wants to share the overflow of ideas with his wife. I’m the wow person in our marriage and my wife is the how. And that simple idea really rocked our world. John Woodall at North Point preached on that once.

So what’s the best marriage advice you ever heard?

Crafting the Perfect Christian Dating Profile

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(You might remember Matt of thechurchofnopeople.com from his hilarious post “The official point system of SCL commenter fitness.” Since it’s love month and because I thought it would make a good running mate with Monday’s post about single people needing to get married pronto, I asked him to write a guide to creating the perfect Christian dating profile. Enjoy.)

For those of us not called by God to abstinence, the search for a mate can be a long, sometimes frantic search, stretching much longer than you would like. Every wedding you attend teases you with the promise of some kind of mystical three-corded you-spouse-God rope. And every day you lack that rope, you know your life is not yet complete. And if you’re uncomfortable with being single, just look around at church! Everyone whispers when you come in the room, because you can’t possibly be happy!

Fortunately, the Christian mating grounds are no longer limited to church and colleges. Now we have the internet. A Christian who flunked out of getting her ‘M.R.S. degree’ in college can have a second chance. But she probably needs to know how to craft a sweet online dating profile.

There’s more to a truly Christian dating profile than just putting up a picture and a name though. You’ve got to work that unmistakable vibe of raw animal pheromones and Jesus-loving wholesomeness that will make every Christian give you double-takes. Fortunately, you could call me the Hitch for Christians. You are my Kevin James. I will help you end your singleness, and everyone’s discomfort caused by your singleness. Win, win!

Maybe you need this help. If you don’t, you definitely have a friend who needs it.

Crafting the Perfect Christian Dating Profile

Step 1: You Profile Name
Your name is half of the first impression you make. And unlike your legal name, you get to choose this one. So don’t waste your chance at a first impression with some play on your real name. ‘SassySally777’ just doesn’t cut it, and makes you sound like a person who likes wearing light-up Christmas sweaters.

You are trying to make the impression that you are ready to rock someone’s world like an earthquake, a volcano and a hurricane all in one, and you love Jesus! Ladies, how about ‘FisherofMen,’ or even ‘A Little Bit of Mary, a Little Bit of Martha.’ I don’t even know what that last one means, but it sounds provocative! Guys, I wouldn’t suggest either of those names for you.

Step 2: The Picture
The picture on your profile is the other half of your first impression. There are a couple of things to keep in mind when choosing the all important photo of yourself.

You may choose to post a photo of yourself looking really holy, like a shot of you praying really intently or waving your arms in the air during church. Remember that a black and white or sepia toned photograph automatically looks 30% holier.

Unattractive photos of yourself are okay, even good. A real Christian will see your inner beauty, so any effort toward outward appearances will only hinder a godly attraction.

You can also add lots of ‘flair’ to your photo. Find clip art of crosses, Jesus fish, praying hands, Bibles, hearts, stars, horseshoes, clovers and blue moons. Like a church logo, the more flair you have, the holier you will look.

You may post a photo of you and a friend. Exercise caution when choosing a friend picture though. Some general guidelines include:

You met your friend in a third-world country.

You helped rebuild your friend’s village.

Your friend is an adorable mission trip child.

Step 3: What Relationship You Are Looking For?
Many services give you the option of stating what sort of relationship you are pursuing. Some services have pre-set options to choose from, others let you type your own.

Some people choose ‘Anything’ or ‘Random Play’ from the list. Sounds exciting, but dirty. A real Christian would choose ‘Marriage and lots of babies right now, please!’

If you’re stumped, just start with any word you would use to describe your walk with Jesus: Blessed. Amazing. Passionate. Awesome. On fire. Potluck.

Step 4: Your Interests
This is a biggie, the place where you tell the world what makes you special and unique. Other people are going to be witty or post a poem or some nonsense, but as a Christian, you’ve really only got three options.

Option 1: Proselytize Us
It seems there are a number of non-Christians out there on dating sites. I think some people actually have a thing for Christians. They’re just looking for some nice shiny Christian to lure, trap, and corrupt. If you find yourself on a date with one of these types, it’s easy enough to ward off damnation. Just make a cross with your two index fingers at your date and yell, “Unequally yoked! Unequally yoked!”

If you attract these types, you could find yourself going through this a lot, or you can avoid it altogether. The goal here is that upon reading your profile, the sweaty heathen will be instantly born-again, rendering him a viable match. Consider the following example:

“I am a worthless sinner saved through faith in the love and grace of our glorious Lord Jesus. I also like romantic movies.”

Response: “This girl is hot. Whatever she likes, I’m in. I now also love Jesus and romantic movies.”

Problem solved. You are now equally yoked.

Option 2: Intimidate Us
This option is aimed toward all your viewers who, while they may be Christians, may not quite reach the mark of holiness you require. Anyone who reads your profile will instantly know that he has just ‘been served,’ that it ‘is on now,’ and that he is now required to ‘step up.’ Take for example:

“I am looking for a REAL MAN of God.”

Response: “Aw, it’s on now! Here I am, but guess what? Shawty can’t handle this:”

“I am looking for a REAL Ephesians 5:22 lady.”

Option 3: Tell Us Your Real Interests
It should go without saying, but some people need it repeated. If you are interested in attracting Christians, you are not interested in anything except:

THE BIBLE

GOD

JESUS

serving HIM

See how I put those in all caps? That’s how you know I’m serious. The Bible isn’t just any hobby. It’s my life. I use lowercase letters for lesser interests like The Lord of the Rings (which will be your only other interest.)

Why should you not list any other interests? Because any real Christian will see right through to your worldliness:

Jazz Music: That’s baby-making music. How do you know about that anyway?
Television: It’s just sex and violence.
Cars: Jesus didn’t have a car.
Football: Way too much butt slapping.
The stock market: Better to store up treasures in heaven.

There you have it, a complete Christian dating profile. Take my advice, and you will be a steaming chunk of sexy Christian temptation. Anyone fortunate enough to see your profile will be overtaken by a fit of smoldering passion and desire to read The Five Love Languages with you, participate in several weeks pre-marital counseling, get married, and settle down into a nice quiet Christian life. That’s hot!

(For more of Matt, check out his site, thechurchofnopeople.com)

Getting single people married as fast as possible.

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It’s the least we can do right? I mean as married people, people that have been blessed with the gift of marriage, “complete people” if you will as evidenced by that incredibly accurate line in the move Jerry Maguire, we kind of have an unspoken obligation to get our single friends married off as fast as possible. (I prefer to get my single friends married “up” instead of “married off” because then they can say things like “I out kicked my coverage” and “I married way over my head” or the lazier but still accurate, “my wife is way hotter than me.”)

But you’ve got to be subtle about these sorts of things. You can’t just rush into trying to get a single person married to the first other single person you spot at church. I mean that would be nice, it would be great if you could just stop the service right there and have the pastor marry them. After all, you’ve already got a minister, a band and you can always throw pocket mints instead of rice if you get in a pinch, but the stars rarely line up that way.

You’ve got to have more finesse than that. Try one of these helpful tricks:

1. Always tell your single friends that marriage is awesome.
Never ever tell a single person that marriage can be difficult. Never be honest that it can be challenging or takes work to maintain and grow. Whenever they ask you anything don’t even use the Christian F word, “fine.” Say instead, “awesome!” Marriage is awesome. It is perfect. It’s easy and fun and is kind of like rolling around in a field of flowers and Kit Kats and pillows stuffed with rainbows 100% of the time.

2. Start every sentence with “my husband” or “my wife.”
Seinfeld once noted how fun it was to begin every sentence with the phrase “my wife and I.” He was right, that is delightful and it’s also a good way to remind a single person that you have something they don’t have. Which they should want to have. Which they could have if they would just marry, I don’t know, that girl right over there without a wedding ring on. Start every conversation with “my husband…” and end every conversation by physically pointing out people that don’t have wedding rings on.

3. When they describe their weekend, always reply with “awww.”
Even if they had the most amazing weekend and are forming friendships that will last a lifetime and are growing in their faith and are loving, absolutely loving, their life, reply to their weekend tales with one long, disappointed “awwww.” You can’t come right out and say, “Imagine how much more fun that would have been if you had a wife,” but hopefully you can communicate that if you add enough w’s to your “awwww.”

4. Don’t let them throw the Paul card.
Occasionally when a single person is shoved into a corner, they will strike back like an angry mongoose and say, “Paul was single.” This is true and it’s smart. The only good way to respond to that is by saying, “Paul was also shipwrecked, stoned and made tents. Do you want to make tents? Is that what you’re saying? You want to be a tentmaker?” That is such baffling logic that usually it will give you enough time to regroup and point out more single people in the church that they should marry.

5. Plan fantastic singles events.
Single people can smell a Christian dating trap from a mile away. Your events better be off the hook. (Single people are always sayings things like “off the hook” or “no doy,” so you better pepper your language with phreshness. See what I did right there with the ph? You gotta know this stuff.)

Ultimately, the single friends you’re trying to force, no strike that, encourage into marriage might remind you that in Christ, their lives are complete. If that happens, just pretend you hear you’re wife calling you, “What’s that? My wife needs me? My awesome, always happy, super hott with two t’s wife needs me?” And then slowly back away.

We’ll get that single person next time. Oh we’ll get them indeed.