missions

I’ve prayed before while walking but I’ve never been on an official “prayer walk.” I’m not sure what exactly makes them official, perhaps a hat or a map of the place you’re going to pray through. It’s hard to tell because people have different definitions of what a prayer walk includes, but for some people it includes what is known as a “vacation.”

I say that because someone I know went on a mission trip prayer walk in Rome, Italy. Before you send in your support letters and offer up a hedge of protection for them, let me first and foremost say that fear not, they returned safely months ago.

That’s the kind of mission trip that makes me a little cynical. When I hear about trips like that, the grumpy old man inside me kicks over the rocking chair on his metaphorical front porch and wants to ghost ride his rascal scooter off a cliff after using some World War II era profanities at some neighborhood street youths.

But who am I to judge when a prayer walk is a mission trip and when it’s just a nice chance to walk through an amazing city while also occasionally praying when you’re not buying fine leather belts? It’s not like there’s a helpful questionnaire that allows you to determine if someone is a missionary or a vacationary …

Read more after the jump…

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I’m having a hard time believing that summer is almost over. I feel like I blinked in May and woke up in August, which wouldn’t be so bad if I stilled lived in Massachusetts. Up north, school starts around or after Labor Day, but in Georgia schools start in the middle of August.

That means, we’ve got one last week to summer like we’ve never summered before. And that’s what I plan on doing. For the next week, Stuff Christians Like is going to be summertastic. I’m going to bring back summer favorites with essays rambling through topics like VBS, camp and mission trips. We’ll end the week with a post that more than a dozen of you wrote and then a book giveaway on Saturday.

In the meantime I’m going to use this week to teach my daughter L.E. everything she needs to know about starting kindergarten. A boy in preschool asked her last year if she would kiss him, so most of my wisdom is going to involve judo and possibly windmill punching techniques.

Fresh stuff will return this Friday, in the meantime, let the farewell to summer commence,

Jon

#384. Mission Trip Leader Fanny Pack Syndrome

Something happens to mission trip leaders about a month before they go on a trip. It’s subtle at first, most of them won’t even notice it before it’s too late. But it’s there, quietly lurking, waiting for just the right moment to strike. I am of course talking about Mission Trip Leader Fanny Pack Syndrome or MTLFPS. That strange phenomenon that overtakes people who have spent their entire lives as productive, healthy, non-fanny pack wearing members of society. That odd desire to fasten a small piece of luggage to your waist. It’s a problem, and one that few people are willing to talk about.

But after careful consideration and some quiet time, I decided to come forward. To address this growing concern and invite you to take a look at the journal of someone about to fall prey to Mission Trip Leader Fanny Pack Syndrome.

5 weeks before the trip, a leader journals:
“I can’t believe that elder suggested I get a fanny pack. That’s crazy. I’m not a fanny pack kind of guy. I’d never wear one. Seinfeld was right when he said, “it looks like your belt is digesting a small animal.”

4 weeks before the trip:
“I have so much stuff to keep track of. My passport, my money, emergency contact numbers, a bus pass, keys to the rooms where we’re staying. I wish there was an easy way to carry it all. Some sort of bag, maybe a satchel. I’m not getting a fanny pack though.”

3 weeks before the trip:
“I need to make sure I don’t get my money stolen when we’re downtown on the trip. It’s probably statistically safer than my own city, but I still want to be careful. A backpack won’t work because someone could just stand behind me emptying it without me even knowing and I don’t want to be that guy that wears it on the front of his belly like he’s pregnant. I wish there was another way to strap valuables on to me somehow.”

2 weeks before the trip:
“During my lunch break today, I went to the mall without telling anyone. I tried on a few fanny packs. And actually, they’re not even called that these days. They’re called ‘hip bags.’ I like that, it sounds, well ‘hip.'”

1 week before the trip:
“If you think about it, Batman kind of wore a fanny pack. I mean he might have called it a “utility pack,” but it was really a fanny pack. What am I saying? I’m better than Batman? I’m too good to wear a fanny pack? I’m too cool to wear a hip bag?”

2 days before the trip:
“I heart hip bags!! There are so many pockets and zippers and compartments. And Velcro and snaps and buttons and I am in ‘waist pack heaven!’ I know the kids will tease me on the trip, but what do they know? With their hip hop and their twitter. This is cool. They’re wrong. I will never remove this hip bag from my body. I am in love!”

It all seems like a joke at first until you notice that your mission trip leader is still wearing that fanny pack a few months after the trip. And he has a name for it like “Roger.” And he fills its plethora of pockets with things he doesn’t need instant, constant access to like dental floss. The only thing you can do at that point is to gather the people that love him, get a pair of scissors to cut it off his waist and have a fanny pack intervention.

Stay alert, only you can prevent MTLFPS.

And fess up, have you ever worn a fanny pack?

(I did in junior high but it was like a mini fanny pack for your wrist and it was made by Hobie, and I was wicked cool.)

P.S. Thanks for the fun idea Jan.

August is almost over and with its exit, we must bid farewell to Mission Trip Month, which has been delightful. I thought as a tribute, it would be fun to create a list of some simple things you don’t want to hear on a mission trip:

1. “Quick, quick, quick, which snakes are the poisonous ones?”

2. “I know, I know, but I’ve always wanted to see what it was like to drive on the other side of the road and I didn’t expect that to happen.”

3. “Do you mind carrying this through customs for me?”

4. “Do you know the Swahili for ‘I dropped my souvenir machete on my foot?’ Because I don’t, and I did.”

5. “I don’t own a tankini.”

6. “It’s so hot here. I mean I know we’re in Africa, in the summer, in the desert, but I didn’t expect it to be this hot.”

7. “It’s so cold here and no I don’t want to wear that mission trip coat. I don’t like the color. “

8. “Does anyone know how to fix a flat tire/put out an engine fire/completely rebuild a 1987 VW Vanagon?”

9. “Has anyone seen my passport?”

10. “I think it would be a cool sign of Christian brotherhood if we all didn’t shave/bath with soap/brush our teeth while we’re here.”

11. “Sure, bug spray is nice, but the jumping spiders just consider that a condiment, so save it. “

12. “This time it is love. No really, this time it is love.”

13. “I think I sprained my ankle.”

Thanks so much for all the awesome ideas you submitted for Mission Trip Month. I think we’re going to have a blast in September with Back to School month.

When I was in high school in the early 90s, I went on a mission trip to Dominica. Our youth group wanted to sing a popular song that we could also choreograph some simple dance moves to. At the time, there was a church law that you had to use one of the following three songs:

1. Michael Jackson’s “Man in the Mirror”
2. Gloria Estefan’s “Coming out of the Dark”
3. Bonnie Tyler’s “Total Eclipse of the Heart”

So we learned Man in the Mirror and Coming out of the Dark, strung together a handful of dance moves and then proceeded to perform for the general populace of one of the Lesser Antilles. It all made sense at the time.

But times have changed. I have to believe we’ve collectively retired those three songs. Despite the 80’s love due Miss Tyler deserves, surely, we are not still singing, “Once upon a time I was falling in love, but now I’m only falling apart, there’s nothing I can do, a total eclipse of the heart.” And though I remain a firm believer that the rhythm is gonna get ya, maybe even tonight, Gloria Estefan is no longer rocking youth groups.

So what are the new songs we should be learning awkward dance steps to and performing on our mission trips? What pop culture nugget can we shine up with a mime intro and wow folks with? And most importantly, how do we make sure that the songs we do pick, will be as excellent as those three above?

We look for the 11 signs of a wicked awesome mission trip interpretative dance song:

1. The song features snapping, the easiest “dance move” ever.

2. The song has a “songversation” in the middle, where two people go back and forth, like the weird dude that just groans, “Turnaround bright eyes” in “Total Eclipse of the Heart.”

3. The song is inspired by a personal crisis like Gloria Estefan’s car crash.

4. The song includes a whistling solo that even the least talented member of your group can handle.

5. The song contains a section that’s perfect for a gospel choir to magically appear from behind a curtain.

6. The song has lyrics that practically beg for you to mime things like Jackson’s “As I, turn up the collar on my favorite winter coat, this wind is blowing my mind.”

7. The song is cheesy enough that years later when you hear it with your mission trip friends you will all immediately break into the dance routine.

8. The songwriter clearly wrote the song about his girlfriend but with some creative editing you can pretend he’s singing to God.

9. The song has a solo section for that one girl in your youth group that can just belt it out.

10. When you return from the mission trip and put together a black and white slideshow of your photos you can play the song in the background and make everyone cry.

11. The song allows you to stretch it out to 14 minutes if you need some filler while other parts of the service get ready.

How did you score? 10 for 11? 2 out of 11? And what songs are we performing these days on mission trips? I told you my three from back in the day and even included a video clip of Michael Jackson’s “Man in the Mirror.” Although I never thought I’d post a clip like that, I wanted you to know what you’re up against. So below is his 1988 Grammy Awards performance. (Clearly he’s had some issues since, but you can’t watch this video and not laugh at the idea of me as a sweaty teenager popping my imaginary collar in a small church in the Caribbean as I danced to “Man in the Mirror.” Good times.)

So what’s your favorite mission trip interpretative dance song?

Something happens to mission trip leaders about a month before they go on a trip. It’s subtle at first, most of them won’t even notice it before it’s too late. But it’s there, quietly lurking, waiting for just the right moment to strike. I am of course talking about Mission Trip Leader Fanny Pack Syndrome or MTLFPS. That strange phenomenon that overtakes people that have spent their entire lives as productive, healthy, non-fanny pack wearing members of society. That odd desire to fasten a small piece of luggage to your waist. It’s a problem, and one that few people are willing to talk about.

But after careful consideration and some quiet time, I decided to come forward. To address this growing concern and invite you to take a look at the journal of someone about to fall prey to Mission Trip Leader Fanny Pack Syndrome.

5 weeks before the trip, a leader journals:
“I can’t believe that elder suggested I get a fanny pack. That’s crazy. I’m not a fanny pack kind of guy. I’d never wear one. Seinfeld was right when he said “it looks like your belt is digesting a small animal.”

4 weeks before the trip:
“I have so much stuff to keep track of. My passport, my money, emergency contact numbers, a bus pass, keys to the rooms where we’re staying. I wish there was an easy way to carry it all. Some sort of bag, maybe a satchel. I’m not getting a fanny pack though.”

3 weeks before the trip:
“I need to make sure I don’t get my money stolen when we’re downtown on the trip. It’s probably statistically safer than my own city, but still I want to be careful. I wish there was a way to strap valuables around my waist somehow.”

2 weeks before the trip:
“During my lunch break today, I went to the mall without telling anyone. I tried on a few fanny packs. And actually, they’re not even called that these days. They’re called ‘hip bags.’ I like that, it sounds, well ‘hip.'”

1 week before the trip:
“I heart hip bags!! There are so many pockets and zippers and compartments. And Velcro and snaps and buttons and I am in ‘waist pack heaven!’ I know the kids will tease me on the trip, but what do they know? With their hip hop and their twitter. This is cool. They’re wrong. I will never remove this hip bag from my body. I am in love!”

It all seems like a joke at first until you notice that your mission trip leader is still wearing that fanny pack a few months after the trip. And he has a name for it like “Roger.” And he fills its plethora of pockets with things he doesn’t need instant, constant access to like dental floss. The only thing you can do at that point is to gather the people that love him, get a pair of scissors to cut it off his waist and have a fanny pack intervention.

Stay alert, only you can prevent MTLFPS.

P.S. Thanks for the fun idea Jan.

Does anything good happen on a layover at the airport when you’re on a mission trip? I submit, “no.”

Despite your best attempts to keep the group together while you’re waiting for your next flight, a few things are going to happen:

1. You’re going to temporarily lose some kids that suddenly have the urge to explore the wonders of the Newark airport.

2. Someone will temporarily misplace their wallet.

3. The boyfriend and girlfriend couple will break up.

4. And get back together.

5. One kid will be the “where’s Billy?” kid. A phrase that is fun to yell from the aisle of a plane that is about to close its door and take off.

6. A game of four square will break out if someone has a ball.

7. A game of cards will break out if someone has a pack.

8. A game of “cards are gambling, no they’re not gambling, quit judging us” will break out if someone hates cards.

9. Someone will use their entire spending money on batteries at the airport, which cost $47.

10. A group of people will practice the praise songs you’re going to sing on the trip in terminal A.

11. Terminal B will become very crowded.

p.s. Big thanks to humbledheart for submitting that idea.