Stuff Christians Like

prayer

The weirdest word used with prayer.

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Maybe this is a southern thing. Maybe in California or New York you will giggle at this. Perhaps this is niche Christianity at its finest. But, lately, I’ve heard a lot of people say,

“I really covet your prayers.”

Wait, what? Is that a good word now? I was taught for years that we needed to flee from coveting like I flee from my next door neighbor’s ridiculously awesome sports car. You should see this thing: It’s all murdered out with solid black. The plates in our kitchen cabinets shake when he leaves the driveway. No children’s seats in that thing either. Man, I really just wish, well, never mind.

See, coveting.

But suddenly it’s a word we’ve reclaimed and redeemed.

I think it’s weird.

In order to put an end to this trend, from now on, I’m just going to say, “I really lust after your prayers.”

How creepy is that? Super creepy. The correct answer is super creepy.

The end.

The Facebook Prayer Interruption

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I’ve been a part of approximately 1.2 million public prayers.

I say “approximately” because God frowns on you officially counting prayers. (It’s in Leviticus. Google it up.)

I thought I’d seen it all until a few weeks ago. I witnessed something new, something I think you’re going to see eventually too.

…

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The sales pitch prayer request.

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(If you ever read the comments on Stuff Christians Like, which I continue to contend are often funnier/more insightful than the original post, you’re familiar with Jarrod Haggard. For months he’s been a daily, fantastic contributor to the conversation we’re all having and a few weeks ago he even agreed to sit in for a guest post. It’s a straight satire about how we often abuse and misuse and confuse our prayer requests. Enjoy.)

The Sales Pitch Prayer Request or
How To Get Whatever You Ask For in Prayer – by Jarrod Haggard

A while ago I had to drive several hours every day for my job. Most days I listened to a Christian radio station…let’s call it B-loved. The deejay was a great guy, let’s call him Mark. At 3:30 every afternoon Mark would take the day’s prayer requests and mash them together into an epic fifteen minute prayerathon. I enjoyed this opportunity to pray, but I really loved the lesson I learned from Mark about the art of getting prayers answered.

One day, in the middle of the prayerathon, Mark brought forth a moment of awesome so grand in scale that it changed my attitude towards prayer forever. It went a little something like this…

“…and Lord, I just want to take a second and lift up my own prayer request to you. I ask that you please help with my car situation. Father, I am still trying to sell my blue ’96 Honda Accord…with only 56,000 miles, new tires, no dents, and all the service records. God, I’m only asking $7,500 or best offer for it, and I would love it if you, in your wisdom, would lead someone to contact me here at the station if they’re interested…”

Yes, I can put it in quotes because you don’t forget a prayer like that…ever. Those simple words, echoed into the ears of thousands, altered my prayer life completely. I realized that I had missed one of the greatest opportunities ever presented to people that pray in groups.

So, in true SCL fashion, here are the three steps that you can take to finally get whatever you ask for in prayer.

1. Find as many groups as possible.
Sunday night prayer meeting. Wednesday night bible study. Tuesday morning prayer breakfast. The more people the better. Home groups are especially helpful, and most of them are divided by region. So if no one knows exactly where you live, you could go to a home group every night of the week! What you want is an audience. If you’re good-looking, get on T.V. If you have a pleasant voice, get on the radio. If you’re witty and irreverent, post a lot of comments on a popular blog.

2. Endear yourself to the people around you.
Be just.like.them. Do they have kids? Borrow your nieces and nephews, or use the stock photos that came with your wallet. Are they college age? Wear flip-flops and a Castro hat. Are they retired? Learn to love buffets at 4 in the afternoon. Remember, Bob has no sense of personal space and will probably require a couple hugs per night. Jack, on the other hand, prefers handshakes. Learn their spouse’s names. Get familiar with their hobbies.

3. Know your audience.
College kids probably won’t buy the house you’re having trouble selling, but if you need to get your mom’s yard cleaned (like she’s been asking you to do for a month now), they’re your target. Need dental work? Try the home group in the upscale part of town. Tired of frozen dinners alone? Try the Older and Single (Again) group. Looking for a good place to invest? The Businessman’s Prayer Breakfast is where it’s at. Whatever your needs are, go to the people most likely to meet those needs.

Those are the three steps I recommend but what’s really of utmost importance is that you remember not to pray something like this; “Lord, please give me the strength to overcome my burdens, and to have faith that you will meet my needs in your time. Amen.”

Instead, when you pray, pray like this; “Dear God, I really need the water pump on my car fixed by a trustworthy mechanic who does really great work and may or may not have a shop downtown on 4th st. Lord, I can’t afford to pay for this, so I ask that you would lead someone into my life who might find it in their heart to help me for free, or at a greatly reduced rate because I can probably tell a lot of people about how great the work was and get way more business for him in the future. Father, I need this work done by Tom…morrow, if at all possible. Amen.”

This prayer method works like a charm. Sometimes though, people might just reach over and turn off the radio during the daily prayerathon, from that day forward.

(For more great stuff from Jarrod, check out his blog jarrodhaggard.blogspot.com)

Praying something bad will happen to someone so they'll see how good God is.

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A friend of mine is starting a church and fortunately some haters have materialized out of thin air. I say fortunately because only ordinary things ever get full consensus from people. Doing something extraordinary should never make complete sense to everyone in your life. People will always support photocopies of what’s always been done, but if you start something new, something different, you should expect resistance. (That last paragraph was the first time in months I’ve heard the faint whispers of the Newsies’ “Open the Gates and Seize the Day.” It’s been too long Crutchy, it’s been too long.)

When I called my friend and asked him how the church plant was going, he said that a member of the first church he started in the 1980s had written him a letter. In it, this former member that had not spoken with him in close to a decade said that he felt my friend was starting the new church out of ego.

Then, in what baffles me, he told my friend, who has a degenerative eye disease, that he was “Praying more earnestly than I’ve ever prayed in my life that God would destroy the rods and cones in your eyes so that you would go blind and only the sight that God gives you will be able to guide you.”

That’s not a direct quote because my friend’s wife tore up the letter in a fit of justified pastor’s wife rage, but the gist was that he was praying for the destruction of his rods and cones.

Wow.

That is crazy. Maybe this was just the angry ramblings of an 80-year old former minister who has lost touch with the whole love your neighbor thing. Maybe the letter writer just had access to a typewriter on a day when whatever bitterness that was bubbling inside of him had a chance to spill out. Maybe he’s just a messed up human being like me, but whatever his reason was, that is one crazy letter. The really crazy thing though is that I think I understand what he was trying to say.

Sometimes, if you’ve come to Christ through some tragic circumstance like a death in the family or an all consuming addiction or a specific pit so deep only the light of God could find the bottom, it’s tempting to think everyone needs to have that very same experience you had.

So you start to develop this weird kind of “brokenness pride.” That sounds completely stupid and impossible, I know, but I think it’s true. Or rather it’s true of me. A few years ago I made some mistakes that no amount of intelligence or wit or temporary, “I’ll do better this time, I can fix this” could remedy. In the midst of that, Christ grabbed hold of me.

And yet somehow I found a way to turn that into pride. I started thinking things like, “That guy hasn’t been broken yet. Look how deep my faith is compared to his. He hasn’t seen the depths of hurt or darkness I have and is still holding on to things I had to let go of. Maybe someday, he’ll get broken like me and experience a real relationship with God.”

Ugh. When you start to define faith by the tragedy that helped bring you there it’s tempting to pray some really weird prayers. I wish I had a dollar for every time a parent has told me, “I just pray it doesn’t take a horrible tragedy to bring my son to Christ. I just pray that when he hits rock bottom it doesn’t kill him.” The hard thing is that at the heart of that is a truth. I want people to know the love of God more than anything else in this world. So losing a job or going into credit card debt or a million other things that temporarily hurt is not nearly as important as missing out on a life-changing relationship with Christ.

But I don’t think that means you pray for someone’s rods and cones to deteroiate. I don’t think that means you pray someone goes blind. I don’t think that means you identify a tragedy and pray that it befalls someone.

I think it’s weird to pray for something bad to happen to someone so that they will see how good God is.

Fortunately, my friend who received that letter is smarter than me. When I asked about it, his answer was perfect. He told me,

“I’m not mad at the guy who wrote that letter. I just wish he would have prayed that God would have restored my sight and in that experience I would have been able to see His great love for me.”

Pray for love. Pray that the people in your life will experience the deep, all consuming love of God in a way that only God on high can predict and orchestrate. It might take something big and scary to quiet someone’s life enough so that they can hear the voice of God. That was my personal experience four years ago but I know my parents and my wife didn’t pray for a tragedy to occur. They prayed for love and hope and God shaped that in the way that only He can shape it.

Above all, please don’t tell that 80-year old rod and cone guy about this post. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t read blogs and I don’t want him praying I get in some freak cougar accident and lose all my typing fingers.

Opening your eyes in church when you’re supposed to be praying.

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You shouldn’t do this. I think there’s a verse in 2 Thessalonians that mentions the need to have your eyes closed at all times when the pastor is praying at church. But if you do, if you willfully decide to crack your eyelids for a peek, the very least I can do is prepare you for what you’ll find.
It’s a church wonderland.

It really is. When you open your eyes during a prayer it’s like going snorkeling for the first time and being shocked at how much life is going on under the surface of the water. All the years you were clutching your eyes shut, you had no idea what you were missing.

The removal of instruments? The magical set changes or pulpit vanishing acts that happen on stage? That’s during prayer. The way ushers seem to materialize out of thin air with the offering buckets when the prayer is over? That’s accomplished during a prayer. In fact, the momentum of the church staff doesn’t stop when it’s prayer time, if anything it speeds up the moment you close your eyes. But that’s housekeeping stuff. What about the underprayer wonders you’ll see?

A few of my favorites include:

The guy that thinks he’s invisible when he’s praying.
You might know him by his more common name, “Nose pick guy.” He’s made the assumption that everyone has their eyes closed and he is therefore invisible. (My youngest daughter does this when we play hide and seek. If she can’t see you, she assumes that you can’t see her so the only body part she’ll hide is her head.) As soon as people bow their heads in prayer this guy suspends all social graces and has no problem combining a prayer with a ferocious session of nose-picking.

The bathroom jail breaker
She has got to go. And like Tom Cruise hanging from the ceiling in Mission Impossible, she knows this is her moment. She quietly gets up, moving with the deftness of someone playing the game “Operation.” And the second she breaks free of her row and gets in some open space, she starts powerwalking. The clock is ticking. If she’s going to make it to the bathroom and get back to her seat before the sermon, she knows she has to hustle.

The little kid who knows silence amplifies his yelling.
This rascal had his yelps and giggles hidden under a warm blanket of worship music, but no more. It’s quiet now and this is his time to shine and shine he will. Standing up in his seat he’ll fill that quiet time of reflection with loud talking, highlighted when his mother whispers, “be quiet” and he yells back “Why?” But if you’re really lucky, if you’re special, you’ll witness a “little kid call out” and will actually hear him yell, “Mom, that man is picking his nose.” Oh, so rare. It’s like seeing a unicorn fish floating about the reef. A creature so rare I had to make it up for the purpose of this paragraph.

The only thing that ruins a good open eye exploration session, other than that you might be missing the point of prayer, is when you make eye contact with someone else doing the same thing. It’s like bumping into a family of other tourists when you’re snorkeling. Some of the wonder of being in a completely foreign undersea world disappears when in the midst of floating about gently in a clear blue sea you bump into a guy wearing a “Fear This” t-shirt. Look away. Look away quickly and either close your eyes and jump back into the prayer or try to find a bathroom jail breaker you can time with your watch. Will she make it back? Will she get caught off guard by an unexpectedly short prayer and end up interrupting the sermon with her reentry? Ohh the intrigue.

Have you ever opened your eyes during a prayer at church?

(P.S. big shout out to Jered R. for suggesting this topic, or what he called “The cone of silence.” I completely forgot to mention him and that is my bad. The best ideas come from readers and this is one of them.)

Opening your eyes in church when you're supposed to be praying.

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You shouldn’t do this. I think there’s a verse in 2 Thessalonians that mentions the need to have your eyes closed at all times when the pastor is praying at church. But if you do, if you willfully decide to crack your eyelids for a peek, the very least I can do is prepare you for what you’ll find.
It’s a church wonderland.

It really is. When you open your eyes during a prayer it’s like going snorkeling for the first time and being shocked at how much life is going on under the surface of the water. All the years you were clutching your eyes shut, you had no idea what you were missing.

The removal of instruments? The magical set changes or pulpit vanishing acts that happen on stage? That’s during prayer. The way ushers seem to materialize out of thin air with the offering buckets when the prayer is over? That’s accomplished during a prayer. In fact, the momentum of the church staff doesn’t stop when it’s prayer time, if anything it speeds up the moment you close your eyes. But that’s housekeeping stuff. What about the underprayer wonders you’ll see?

A few of my favorites include:

The guy that thinks he’s invisible when he’s praying.
You might know him by his more common name, “Nose pick guy.” He’s made the assumption that everyone has their eyes closed and he is therefore invisible. (My youngest daughter does this when we play hide and seek. If she can’t see you, she assumes that you can’t see her so the only body part she’ll hide is her head.) As soon as people bow their heads in prayer this guy suspends all social graces and has no problem combining a prayer with a ferocious session of nose-picking.

The bathroom jail breaker
She has got to go. And like Tom Cruise hanging from the ceiling in Mission Impossible, she knows this is her moment. She quietly gets up, moving with the deftness of someone playing the game “Operation.” And the second she breaks free of her row and gets in some open space, she starts powerwalking. The clock is ticking. If she’s going to make it to the bathroom and get back to her seat before the sermon, she knows she has to hustle.

The little kid who knows silence amplifies his yelling.
This rascal had his yelps and giggles hidden under a warm blanket of worship music, but no more. It’s quiet now and this is his time to shine and shine he will. Standing up in his seat he’ll fill that quiet time of reflection with loud talking, highlighted when his mother whispers, “be quiet” and he yells back “Why?” But if you’re really lucky, if you’re special, you’ll witness a “little kid call out” and will actually hear him yell, “Mom, that man is picking his nose.” Oh, so rare. It’s like seeing a unicorn fish floating about the reef. A creature so rare I had to make it up for the purpose of this paragraph.

The only thing that ruins a good open eye exploration session, other than that you might be missing the point of prayer, is when you make eye contact with someone else doing the same thing. It’s like bumping into a family of other tourists when you’re snorkeling. Some of the wonder of being in a completely foreign undersea world disappears when in the midst of floating about gently in a clear blue sea you bump into a guy wearing a “Fear This” t-shirt. Look away. Look away quickly and either close your eyes and jump back into the prayer or try to find a bathroom jail breaker you can time with your watch. Will she make it back? Will she get caught off guard by an unexpectedly short prayer and end up interrupting the sermon with her reentry? Ohh the intrigue.

Have you ever opened your eyes during a prayer at church?

(P.S. big shout out to Jered R. for suggesting this topic, or what he called “The cone of silence.” I completely forgot to mention him and that is my bad. The best ideas come from readers and this is one of them.)

Making up a prayer request because everyone else has one.

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You don’t do this. I know, I know, you are a prayer warrior, a veritable beacon of holiness and Christian fortitude. But me? I’ve got a lot left to learn.

The other night when our small group leader asked if anyone had a prayer request, one of the first thoughts that went through my head was “Quick, come up with something.”

I didn’t want to make up a prayer request. I wasn’t going to fabricate something out of thin air, but if everyone else had something they wanted prayer for I felt like maybe I should too. So I googled my head and heart to try to come up with an appropriate topic.

And maybe I’m not the only one that does this. Maybe you’re in a small group where people do this too. If you are, and you want to spot it and eliminate people giving into “prayer pressure,” here are the warning signs you need to look for:

1. The Long Pause
If you ask for prayer requests and your friends pause, scratch their heads and appear lost deep in thought, chances are they’ve taken a trip to the part of their head called “Oh jeez, am I really not praying for anything right now?” They’re flipping through a mental flickr photo album saying, “Family is doing OK. Check. My job is doing OK. Check. My car is running OK. Check.” If after 30 seconds of thought time their face still looks kind of like a loading bar on a graphics intense website, move on.

2. The Greatest Hits
Sometimes if someone can’t come up with a fresh prayer request, they’ll dust off an oldie but a goody and give you a “greatest hits request.” These are usually requests that have no discernible end date or conclusion. “I’m still praying for patience and work. I’m also praying that I would be kind to the people in my life.” Notice how lo fidelity that prayer is? “People in my life?” Which people? All people? You can pray about that for the next 60 years.

3. The Ferris Bueller
One of the best scenes in the movie Ferris Bueller was when one of Ferris’ classmates describes a multilayered story of how she heard Ferris was sick. She tells the teacher, “Um, he’s sick. My best friend’s sister’s boyfriend’s brother’s girlfriend heard from this guy who knows this kid who’s going with the girl who saw Ferris pass out at 31 Flavors last night. I guess it’s pretty serious.” The same thing happens to prayer requests. Like searching for a car on AutoTrader.com when you get zero results in a 10 mile radius, you expand your search out a little further. If you can’t muster up a prayer request about yourself or your family, you’ll expand the prayer request to include people on your street or maybe your neighborhood or maybe your city or maybe your state. If someone ever says, “I want to lift up our solar system in prayer,” tell them, “that’s adorable” and move on.

I promise if we’re ever in a small group I’ll try not to ask you to pray for something I’m not praying for. I’m not doing that much anymore, but it’s still a work in progress. Would you please pray that I will be honest with the words I say to people in my life and perhaps the universe

Could you just lift that up?

Have you ever wanted to make up a prayer request because everyone else had one?