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remix

Saving seats at church.

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It’s been a while since I remixed an older post. Usually I only do that if I feel like I completely blew the original post and wasted a good idea with sloppy writing. But recently someone anonymously posted a comment on “#69 Saving seats at church” that made me think I should remix it. Here is snippet of what they said in response to what I wrote on that post:

“What is so terribly wrong with someone saving a seat for their spouse? Sheesh, so sorry that I want to enjoy the message with my husband who is busy ushering the visitors into their seats and helping them get settled. Maybe church should only be for single people and the rest of us can sit out in our car and listen to the radio broadcast. Yeah, that is much more welcoming.”

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Since the comment was anonymous I couldn’t directly reply to the commenter’s blog or email. And I started to think, “Maybe the original post was unclear. Maybe I need to be more explicit with the rules of church seat saving? Maybe no one’s done that yet and this person is not reacting out of hurt, but confusion and that the kind, generous, dare I say correct way to ‘love on’ them and countless other people is to create a definitive guide to seat saving?”

So that’s what I did and that’s what this is.

7 Things you need to know about saving seats at church:

1. It’s OK to save a seat for your spouse or significant other.
Despite what that reader above said, I was not advocating that you can’t save a seat for your husband. Where would that leave him? I’ll tell you where, sitting on your lap. You’d be all tangled up in a mesh of limbs and hymnals and awkwardness as the people next to you tried to pretend that wasn’t happening. As noted in one of the most surprisingly controversial posts, Massages During Church, I’m not for that.

2. Don’t save a seat for someone at the end of the aisle.
Why would you put that kind of pressure on a visitor? That’s like giving a little kid the emergency exit on a plane. If it’s your first time to church you’re not going to know that I am sitting in the middle of the aisle like a tightly wound spring waiting to be released so that I can grab my kid and race out of the church parking lot. What’s inevitably going to happen is that at the end of the service they will sit in their seat, effectively blocking the whole aisle, telling you that “Hey, maybe I should give this God thing a shot.” But I won’t know that, so I’ll ruin that tender moment by running across the aisle, using everyone’s head as a stepping stone like some sort of scene from a Jackie Chan movie.

3. Once someone has come to your church for 7 weeks, you can’t save them a seat.
Service starts at the same time every week. If your friend has been at least seven times, then they know this. They shouldn’t act surprised on Sunday morning when they wake up and think, “Oh snap, they’re starting church at 9:30 today. When did that happen? Oh that’s right, 1987. I should call my friend and ask him to save me a seat.” If you have an ill grandmother, serve on some ministry, have kids, are late because you were nursing a baby deer that had been hit on the side of the road back to health, etc. you get a free pass on this one.

4. Don’t save a seat with your shoe.
If you’re going to save 47 seats, then grab 47 bulletins. There’s no call for putting a shoe or a mint or taking every key off your key chain and laying them down individually on each seat you want to save.

5. Don’t expect me to help you save seats.
I hate to say no to people. I’ve gotten better at it as people keep asking me to advertise some cuckoo things on Stuff Christians Like (You read the site, saw that there were zero ads and felt like your online gambling websites would be a good fit for SCL? Really?) but in general I hate saying no to people. It’s a problem. I’m working on it. And saving seats for someone often becomes a constant parade of “no.” I had to do it last year at Catalyst as I waited for my little brother and when someone would ask me if they could sit in the seat I was saving I felt like they were saying, “Do you mind if I sit here and worship God? Do you mind if I relieve my weary bones and collapse in this spot of resting and renewal. Ohhh the Gwinnett Arena is so big, won’t you let me sit here please, kind sir?” So if you ask me to help you to save seats, expect me to pass on that opportunity.

6. Release the seats when it appears your friend isn’t coming.
If the announcements are done, the worship music is over, the offering is collected and the sermon is about to start, let that seat go. It’s over, they didn’t come. Set that seat back into the wild. If it really loves you it will come back.

7. I don’t have a seventh idea but I know better than to end a list on a Christian website with 6.

Do you save seats?

Do you break these rules?

Do you have your own?

Yo Joe! Remix #228. NIV vs. KJV vs. ESV (Bible wars told via GI Joe)

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I need to ask you a personal question.

Which would be cooler, if I dressed up as Storm Shadow or Snake Eyes for the debut of the GI Joe movie?

Seriously, be honest with me. On the one hand, Snake Eyes was always silent and wore black and even sometimes traveled with a timber wolf that was named “Timber.” (Kind of phoned that name in didn’t ya GI Joe writers?) And Snake Eyes is the good guy with a mysterious past. On the other hand, Storm Shadow is just so Storm Shadow. He’s a mercenary bound by the ninja code and on a mission to find the long lost murderer of his sensei. So it’s a bit of a dilemma and I’m having a hard time making a decision.

But what was an easy decision was whether or not to remix this post in which I compared versions of the Bible to GI Joe characters. When I originally wrote it back in May, I didn’t even know there was a movie coming out. When I saw the commercial for it during the Super Bowl I jumped off my couch and immediately climbed up the 12 foot high open wall in our great room into the second story of our house like a ninja out of sheer excitement. (My wife tells that story differently, but she’s not very good at recognizing ninja moves. I’m just saying.)

So today I thought we would remix the GI Joe post, adding some new versions of the Bible from reader suggestions. And away we go:

Remix #228. NIV vs. KJV vs. ESV (Bible wars told via GI Joe)

I’ve never been to seminary, so if they use a different cartoon from the 1980s to teach the differences between versions of the Bible, my bad. But when I sat down to write a post about how we like to represent and argue for our own brand of the Bible, I kept hearing the little Jon inside whispering, “yo Joe, yo Joe.”

So here it is, my explanation of the different versions of the Bible as told through the lens of GI Joe.

1. NIV = Flint
On the show, Flint wears a beret, but it somehow manages to look cool. He’s the third in command and comes off as very approachable and accessible. He’s not trying to be the number one, he’s just walking through life as he sees it. Honestly, openly, it’s going to be alright. I feel the same way about the NIV or New International Version. The chief complaint I hear is that it’s not the most accurate version of the text. I think the NIV, much like Flint, is OK with that. I think at night when it’s playing Mario Kart with the other versions of the Bible it says, “Hey, I get it, I’m not as accurate as the ESV, but you know what? A lot of people read me. A lot of lives are changed by me, and that’s what it’s really about. Changing lives.”

2. Hebrew Bible = Roadblock
A reader named Chris suggested that the Hebrew Bible best fit with the character Roadblock because “there’s no getting through it.” I don’t know if that’s true because I’ve never read the Hebrew Bible but I do know that it’s heavy and so was Roadblock. Long before they made Chicago Bears player William “the Fridge” Perry a character, Roadblock was the big hitter for the Joes. According to his official file card, that’s right I’m quoting from an official file card for a fictional Heavy Machine Gunner, this is what Roadblock carried around all day. “A .50 cal. Browning weighing 84 pounds with fifty pounds for the ammo – that’s about 134 pounds of steel generating 2930 f.p.s. in muzzle velocity at a cyclic rate of 550 r.p.m.” I don’t know what the second half of that sentence means, but I weigh 140 pounds so essentially Roadblock was carrying me around. (If I were a gun I would generate 2930 f.p.s in sarcasm velocity.) That’s big time. And the Hebrew Bible is the same way. You might not be able to whip it out at work and use it to witness to a friend with it, but for those heavy moments when you’re ready to go deep into the word, it’s going to suit you just fine.

3. King James Version = Storm Shadow
When I was younger, I really wanted to be Storm Shadow. And by “younger” I mean last week. Seriously, he was just so cool. Storm Shadow was a ninja clad all in white that constantly battled the forces of good and evil within him. Yes, he worked for the bad guys Cobra, but deep inside he was pure. And my favorite thing was that he was unapologetically old school. He studied with these ninja masters in Japan and made his decisions based on a foundation of knowledge from thousands of years ago. That’s how I feel about the KJV of the Bible. It’s old school. Sure that makes it a little clunky, but so what? If you want to be a Christian ninja, I think you have to go the way of the KJV.

4. TNIV = Lady Jaye
If you were a boy and played with GI Joe you kind of had to have a crush on Lady Jaye. You didn’t have many other options. The Baroness was bad and in some sort of weird relationship with Destro, and by weird I mean he had a shiny metal head. Lady Jaye was your best option and fight it though you may, you still developed a bit of a crush on her. That’s how I feel about the TNIV. My church, North Point Community Church, has kind of adopted this version of the Bible as their standard, and every time they quote the TNIV I think, “Hey, that TNIV is not so bad. Maybe I could get one and keep is somewhere in my house where my NIV version would never find out about it. Is that Bible cheating?” That’s probably weird, but the TNIV also deals with gender issues, and so did Lady Jaye, as in the issue of “How come me and Scarlett are the only ladies firing lasers at bad guys when we fight? Where my ladies at?”

5. Message = Wild Bill
Wild Bill was the crazy helicopter pilot on the show. He wore a vest and a huge mustache and was always saying crazy things that perfectly summed up the situation. Wild Bill could summarize, in an easy to understand language, situations that all the other Joes needed to hear about. His wasn’t the only opinion that mattered, you still had to balance out his ideas with those of Flint and Duke, but he did have something valuable to say. Same with the Message. It’s a good read. It makes things easy to understand. Is it the only Bible I’d read? No. But it’s still a good one to have fighting alongside you.

6. Amplified = Sgt. Slaughter
According to Bible Gateway, the Amplified Bible “attempts to take both word meaning and context into account in order to accurately translate the original text from one language into another.” According to me, the Amplified version is like Sgt. Slaughter. This GI Joe character is best suited to the Amplified Bible because he crossed over into professional wrestling as well. Much like taking the word meaning and the context into account, Sgt. Slaughter had a role in the cartoon and also body slammed people for the WWF (before it became the WWE).

7. New Revised Standard Version = Scarlett
To tell you the truth, I went back and forth on this one. On the one hand, I got wildly differing descriptions of what the NRSV is all about. Some readers suggested it was the official translation for Roman Catholics while other readers suggested “that guy that said it’s the official translation for Roman Catholics is wrong.” Ultimately, having little experience with either Scarlett or the NRSV (my cartoon heart beats for Lady Jaye) I went with what a reader named Beloved Spear said: “Oh, c’mon, my liberal brethren. Don’t just kvetch about the NRSV not being there. Get with the program. New Revised Standard Version = Scarlett. Yeah, she’s a chick. But she’s a counter-intel chick, smart as a tack with a roundhouse kick like you wouldn’t believe. She likes her translations accurate *and* gender neutral. You got a problem with that, soldier?”

8. NASB = Duke
On the show, Duke was the equivalent of apple pie and the American flag and down home values. While Flint was a little rougher around the edges, Duke bled red, white and blue. I feel the same thing about the New American Standard Bible. It puts a big emphasis on contemporary English and verbs and translating things into a smoother format. And it has the word “American” in the title, which is obviously a very American thing to do. Like Duke.

9. ESV = Snake Eyes
Decked out all in black, Snake Eyes was the GI Joe version of Storm Shadow. He came from the same dojo, and you better believer there is no pain in that dojo, but he chose a life of helping the good guys. He had a cool red striped tattoo on his arm and never said a word, only adding to his mystique. He was old school too, but seemed more approachable than Storm Shadow. Same with the English Standard Version. I’ve heard it’s the most accurate translation, just what I’ve heard, but it still feels easier to read than the KJV.

10. New Versions = Random Characters
Right now, if you sell a lot of books, they’ll give you your very own version of the Bible. I don’t have a problem with that, but they all kind of run together for me, like the random bad guys on Cobra or random good guys on Joe. These are the secondary characters that are dressed all in blue or all in green and just fire lasers in the background. They don’t have any lines, but are still an important part of the battle. I feel the same way about niche Bibles. I doubt for instance that the John Maxell edition of the Bible will ever overtake the NIV version, but it’s still a nice resource.

Wow, that was longer than I expected. But at least now you know, and … I can’t do it. I already made the joke, “knowing is half the battle” on another post.

Did I miss any Bible versions or characters?

Remix #47. Rooting for secret Christians on American Idol.

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I think that the 19-week American Idol audition process is about to conclude. I think that in large part because they keep showing commercials with Simon Cowell melodramatically telling a roomful of sweaty singers things like “This week, I believe we’ll find a singer in the final round of auditions that will cure puppy loneliness and eradicate all cloudy days with the sound of their voice.” I could be wrong though.

If I’m not, and we are about to get to the final group of people that will be singing for their lives for the next 14 weeks, we are on the precipice of a very exciting event in Christian pop culture –Rooting for the secret Christian contestant.

Isn’t that the best? It’s kind of like cheering for the Christian guy in the Super Bowl only you get to do it for a few months and you’re never quite sure if they’re a Christian. There’s an element of mystery, an air of “are they a Christian or just religious? Are they a follower of Jesus or just working the crowd to try to get the coveted ‘follower of Jesus’ vote?”

Usually, you have to wait until the contestant releases a gospel album and does a duet with TobyMac after the show is all over before you can really confirm that your faithtastical spidey sense was buzzing for a reason. Not this year though. This year I thought we could all get a head start on rooting for the secret Christian contestant on American Idol. That’s why I created this handy list:

How to spot a secret American Idol Christian contestant.

1. Their mom tells host Ryan Seacrest that they’ve been singing, and this next part is critical, in the “church choir” since they were five. Unless they say church choir they might have just worked the pageant circuit.

2. They refuse to “skank it up” when the competition gets heated and the judges keep telling them to show their sexy side. (If one of my daughters got that advice I would probably come through the television set and stab somebody with a pew pencil.)

3. They are not from Utah. I love Mormons. In fact one of my favorite posts ever on this site is “Stuff Christians Like, Being Slightly Less Nice than Mormons,” but you’ve got to factor in location when it comes to determining whether someone is a secret Christian.

4. You read on a fan site that a friend of a friend of a friend goes to church with them and “he’s a really nice guy and totally loves the Lord and I once sat next to him in a Sunday School class. Go JASON!!!!”

5. Instead of telling people she is “thankful” to be there, she says she is “blessed” to be here. Instead of saying “she works hard” she says, she is “committed to doing things with excellence.”

6. They are from Georgia or Texas. I live in Georgia and I’ve been to Texas. I’m clearly a huge fan of Christian stereotypes, but this one is just a fact. More than 99.9% of the general population in Texas and Georgia is Christian.

7. They can do a flawless choir side step, that “I know dancing is sinful, but if you move you’re feet slowly back and forth God is OK with that” move.

If I wanted to be a secret Christian blogger I shouldn’t have put 7 items on this list. Everyone knows that the number 7 is a lot holier than 8 or 9.

But that doesn’t mean you can’t add to the list.

Have you ever rooted for a secret Christian on American Idol?

What signs do you look for?

Remix #154. Breaking up after a retreat.

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Much like a lot of the fun on this site, I didn’t come up with this idea. A friend of the site emailed me months ago and said “You know what we Christians love to do? Break up with our girlfriends and boyfriends after a retreat.”

I thought that was funny and true. Next to unpacking, dumping your boyfriend or girlfriend is the best thing to do upon arriving home from a weekend retreat. (Throwing away all your music or movies is pretty fun too though.)

What usually happens is that on Saturday night, which is the cryfest night where the minister really amps up the emotion, you are asked to “lay something down for God.” God wants something. And often the most immediate something you can think to give to God is that dude you’re dating. So you go home after the retreat and you dump him.

But what if you’re that dude at home? What if you’re the girlfriend that didn’t go on the retreat? What if this is a relationship that could really work out and be great but it instead gets blindsided by what my friend would call a Saturday night session of “sloppy agape?” How do you prevent this from happening if it’s actually a good relationship worth saving?

I thought of a few ways:

1. Go on every retreat you possibly can.
Resist the urge to go to a Beth Moore ladies only retreat dressed as a woman, but other than that, you better go on every retreat your girlfriend goes on. (How awesome would it be to get the Wayan’s Brothers of White Chicks fame to make a movie where a guy dressed up like a woman so that he could sneak into a Beth Moore retreat? We could call it “Moore like a lady.” That idea is free by the way. Go ahead, take it.)

2. Meet your significant other at the church when they get dropped off.
With flowers or gifts or Myrrh if you can find it, it’s kind of out of season. Seriously though, wherever the drop off spot is for that retreat, go there. Bring a boombox like John Cusack in the movie “Say Anything” if you have to.

3. Leave a kind note in their Bible.
I’m not encouraging you to manipulate your boyfriend, if you don’t have something kind to write on a piece of paper you probably shouldn’t be dating this guy anyway. But if you do, if you’ve got some nice, loving words to put down, hide that note in his Bible. On the retreat, when he digs in to read it on one of those, “please go find a quiet place to read your Bible by a pristine lake” moments that are mandatory on retreats, it will be waiting for him.

4. Don’t call them a million times during the retreat.
Relationships are kind of like sharks, they can smell fear. If you call or text or twitter or send pigeons one million times to your girlfriend during the retreat, here’s what you’re going to be saying to her, “Please don’t dump me. Oh good grief, please don’t dump me. Seriously, don’t dump me. We can make this work. I’ll call you back in 30 seconds, please don’t think about dumping me during those 30 seconds when we’re not on the phone. Please.” As a girl, which I’ve never been and am thus wicked good at writing from the perspective of, that would make me instantly think, “Should I dump him? Things were good before I left for the retreat, but he’s all panicky. Maybe he knows something I don’t know.” Give your girlfriend or boyfriend space on the retreat. Let them enjoy the weekend with God without your constant interruptions. Unless you are going to make my movie “Moore like a lady” and then let the hijinx ensue.

If you follow these tips to the letter, if you execute them perfectly, you’re still probably going to get dumped. What can I do, the “give something up for God” moment on a retreat is too powerful for a mere mortal blogger to overcome. My hope though is that if you do experience this, if you are dumped after a retreat, you’ll remember this post, wipe your tears away and be able to laugh at the irony of the whole situation. Or you could always email this post to your ex-girlfriend with the subject line “Our love just became a Christian cliché,” and burn that relationship bridge while driving away listening to Poison’s “Every Rose has it’s Thorn.” Either option is pretty nice actually.

Remix #2. Saying “bless her heart.”

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Recently someone shared his thoughts with me about Stuff Christians Like:

“stuff white people like is much better than this lame blog. its really sad that tongue in cheek christian schtick even rips clever pop culture. Clander (the author of the book Stuff White People Like) got a book deal because his stuff is original. but, you’ll probably get one because his stuff is original too. i’m sure you’re a nice guy and i hope you do well. but seriously, create don’t ape.”

There are a number of things I’d like to dissect in that comment but to do so would just perpetuate the cycle of “Christian on Christian Web Violence.” But there is one thing I can’t let slide, if only because I am guilty of it too. I am referring of course to the second to last sentence in that comment, “I’m sure you’re a nice guy and I hope you do well.”

That is such a great example of the “bless her heart syndrome” (BHHS) that I can’t leave it alone. For those that didn’t read the original post, BHHS is when you verbally slam, gossip or attack someone else and then try to save face by throwing in a comment like “bless her heart.” In the south I’ve heard it called “giving someone a piece of vinegar pie.”

The fake kindness in comments like that is easy to point out, but the reality is that sometimes other Christians are better at disguising it. Sometimes people, including me, will be a little more subtle at executing Bless Her Heart Syndrome. Here are four other variations you need to watch out for:

1. “I don’t mean to be ugly”
Sure you do and you know you’re about to be ugly or else you wouldn’t have thrown out that disclaimer at the start of the sentence. Often, if you have to explain why something you’re about to say is not hateful, you’re about to say something hateful.

2. “In Christian Love”
Most of the time people do the BHHS behind your back. But sometimes, they’ll drop some BHHS right in your lap. For instance, if anyone says, “I hope you can receive this in Christian love,” get ready to be hated on. Seriously, no one ever says, “I hope you can receive this in Christian love, but you’re doing a really good job leading that ministry” or “I find the dresses you wear to church to be both appropriate and awesome.” It’s usually an insult thinly veiled as advice or love. Not always, but usually.

3. “God laid this on my heart”
Oh snap, you just threw God under the bus. (I find myself saying “Oh snap” a lot lately, perhaps as a tribute to Biz Markie?) You just prefaced something mean you’re about to say about somebody by blaming it on God. And although I do think that sometimes God gives us messages for other people, I have a hard time believing He ever asks us to gossip about other people, “I need you to be a jerk for me. I need you to be my rod of punkitude. I need you to be my vessel of gossip.”

4. “I’m just concerned”
This is the one I am most guilty of. Sometimes in order to look smart or wise, I’ll gossip about someone else’s problems, give my insightful solution and then try to gift wrap the whole gossipy mess with the phrase, “I’m just concerned.” But the truth is I’m not concerned about the person I’m talking about. If I was, I would be talking with them, not about them. There’s a huge difference between those two words.

I think there are probably a million other variations of the BHHS. But please tell me that if we’re ever in a conversation and I tell you that “I am concerned about this other blogger…” please immediately respond, “No you’re not, you’re just jealous and now you’re trying to disguise that jealousy in nice words that make you look smart and kind.” And then give me a handful of Good n’ Plenty candy. Those are disgusting. You think they’re going to be delicious like Good n’ Fruity, but they’re not. They’re just sad little pieces of licorice wearing a candy coat shell that tastes like pepto bismol. It’s the only way I’ll learn.

Have you ever experienced Bless Her Heart Syndrome?

What’s your favorite version?

Remix #2. Saying "bless her heart."

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Recently someone shared his thoughts with me about Stuff Christians Like:

“stuff white people like is much better than this lame blog. its really sad that tongue in cheek christian schtick even rips clever pop culture. Clander (the author of the book Stuff White People Like) got a book deal because his stuff is original. but, you’ll probably get one because his stuff is original too. i’m sure you’re a nice guy and i hope you do well. but seriously, create don’t ape.”

There are a number of things I’d like to dissect in that comment but to do so would just perpetuate the cycle of “Christian on Christian Web Violence.” But there is one thing I can’t let slide, if only because I am guilty of it too. I am referring of course to the second to last sentence in that comment, “I’m sure you’re a nice guy and I hope you do well.”

That is such a great example of the “bless her heart syndrome” (BHHS) that I can’t leave it alone. For those that didn’t read the original post, BHHS is when you verbally slam, gossip or attack someone else and then try to save face by throwing in a comment like “bless her heart.” In the south I’ve heard it called “giving someone a piece of vinegar pie.”

The fake kindness in comments like that is easy to point out, but the reality is that sometimes other Christians are better at disguising it. Sometimes people, including me, will be a little more subtle at executing Bless Her Heart Syndrome. Here are four other variations you need to watch out for:

1. “I don’t mean to be ugly”
Sure you do and you know you’re about to be ugly or else you wouldn’t have thrown out that disclaimer at the start of the sentence. Often, if you have to explain why something you’re about to say is not hateful, you’re about to say something hateful.

2. “In Christian Love”
Most of the time people do the BHHS behind your back. But sometimes, they’ll drop some BHHS right in your lap. For instance, if anyone says, “I hope you can receive this in Christian love,” get ready to be hated on. Seriously, no one ever says, “I hope you can receive this in Christian love, but you’re doing a really good job leading that ministry” or “I find the dresses you wear to church to be both appropriate and awesome.” It’s usually an insult thinly veiled as advice or love. Not always, but usually.

3. “God laid this on my heart”
Oh snap, you just threw God under the bus. (I find myself saying “Oh snap” a lot lately, perhaps as a tribute to Biz Markie?) You just prefaced something mean you’re about to say about somebody by blaming it on God. And although I do think that sometimes God gives us messages for other people, I have a hard time believing He ever asks us to gossip about other people, “I need you to be a jerk for me. I need you to be my rod of punkitude. I need you to be my vessel of gossip.”

4. “I’m just concerned”
This is the one I am most guilty of. Sometimes in order to look smart or wise, I’ll gossip about someone else’s problems, give my insightful solution and then try to gift wrap the whole gossipy mess with the phrase, “I’m just concerned.” But the truth is I’m not concerned about the person I’m talking about. If I was, I would be talking with them, not about them. There’s a huge difference between those two words.

I think there are probably a million other variations of the BHHS. But please tell me that if we’re ever in a conversation and I tell you that “I am concerned about this other blogger…” please immediately respond, “No you’re not, you’re just jealous and now you’re trying to disguise that jealousy in nice words that make you look smart and kind.” And then give me a handful of Good n’ Plenty candy. Those are disgusting. You think they’re going to be delicious like Good n’ Fruity, but they’re not. They’re just sad little pieces of licorice wearing a candy coat shell that tastes like pepto bismol. It’s the only way I’ll learn.

Have you ever experienced Bless Her Heart Syndrome?

What’s your favorite version?

Remix #31. Occasionally Swearing

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After I graduated from college, I went to Italy with my friend Carsten. While in Rome, we went to the Sistine Chapel. I really couldn’t fully grasp what I was seeing but I still stood there amongst a swirling mass of people staring up at the ceiling. In the midst of what was otherwise a reverent moment, somebody accidentally bumped into the woman next to me. Without blinking an eye, she turned to another tourist and said, “Don’t swear word touch me you stupid swear word swear word.

I looked at her and said, “That’s just the way the Pope would have said it.” And then I bought a popsicle.

OK, I didn’t say that and that I could tell, the Vatican doesn’t sell popsicles. I rarely can think of funny things to say in the moment and usually tell them to my shower the next day. (Oh the stories Pantene could tell). The reason I remember that incident out of all the other things that faded into my memory in the last 10 years is that the words she was saying felt really out of context. For some reason, they felt super wrong because they were in the midst of a super holy place.

But as I started to write this remix, I started to think, “How are swears any different coming out of my mouth?”

I don’t swear a lot. In junior high I could have counted the number of times I did. But in college and for a few years after that, I didn’t have a problem dropping both the F bomb and wearing the Christian label. So why do I still occasionally swear? Why, if I’m supposed to be the temple, do I still cuss? I have a few theories:

1. Swears are 19 times more powerful coming out of the mouth of a Christian.
That’s a scientific fact right there. If you’re a non believer and swear a ton, it’s just not that big of a deal. If you’re a Christian though and you swear, birds fall out of the sky. Trees shake to their roots. Magma gets fourteen degrees cooler under the crust of the earth. Wielding that kind of power is tempting.

2. It’s really hard to tell what constitutes a swear these days.
Is “sucks” a curse word? I remember telling my friend in the third grade that he should not call lollipops “suckers” because that was a swear. Is suck still bad? I use that all the time and one of my favorite sites is churchmarketingsucks.com. What about hell? That’s contextual right? I mean if you say, “I don’t want to go to hell” that’s not a swear but if you say that same sentence only without the words, “I don’t want to” then you’ve sworn? And what about “gosh?” If you say, “Gosh, it’s hot” that’s fine, right? But if you say, “Oh my gosh” you’re substituting the word for God and kind of doing a blasphemy two degrees of separation thing, right?

3. The alternative swear words stink.
See, even saying “stink” there had less impact than “suck.” If you say “oh fiddlesticks!” when someone cuts you off in traffic or “melon farmer” when terrorists take over your high school and you have to organize the local football team to fight them back, you sound like Ned Flanders. Or you sound like you want to be tickled. So until they come up with a better list of alternative swears, it’s hard to quit the real thing.

4. I’ve heard that Tony Campolo story 19 million times.
According to Christianity Today, evangelist Tony Campolo told many audiences in the 1980s, “I have three things I’d like to say today. First, while you were sleeping last night, 30,000 kids died of starvation or diseases related to malnutrition. Second, most of you don’t give a swear word. What’s worse is that you’re more upset with the fact that I said swear word than the fact that 30,000 kids died last night.” I agree with that idea and dig Tony Campolo. Children dying is a whole lot worse than swearing. And I have friends that are incredibly unloving, the second most important commandment, but would never, ever swear. So I think it’s easy to get wound up too tight about swearing. At the same time though, if I swear and then get called on it by a friend, I’m not sure saying, “Yeah well kids are starving,” is going to be a great excuse for me.

5. I don’t really believe the book of Proverbs.
I blew a number of posts on this site by making them about an individual rather than an issue. Instead of honestly talking about an issue, I personally attacked a few people so that I could be sensational or funny or look smart and holy or a million other things. But then I read verses like, “Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing” (Proverbs 12:18) and “The mouth of the righteous brings forth wisdom, but a perverse tongue will be cut out.” (Proverbs 10:31). Attacking someone is clearly not cool and I work hard to not make this a “Jerk Christian blog”, but let’s pretend swearing is a fuzzy thing. Should I consider the f bomb something that is going to bring forth wisdom or something perverse? It’s a tough call, tough call indeed.

Again, I don’t swear much, but if the title of this post is “occasionally swearing” then certainly I am qualified to write it.

How about you? Are you a Christian that occasionally swears?

Remix #32. Lasers instead of stained glass.

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A few weeks ago while walking in downtown Blowing Rock, North Carolina, I stopped my wife in the middle of the sidewalk. “Whoa,” I said, using that arm bar move you do when you’re about to brake hard while driving and don’t want your passenger to leave teeth marks in your dashboard.

“What is it?” My wife replied, looking around the dark October night as if I had perhaps seen cabin #458 that would be a great place for me to write a book and grow a beard, thus becoming 67% wiser almost instantaneously.

“Look at that. It’s beautiful. It’s glowing.” The object of my wonderment? A piece of stained glass in a small church off main street.

I didn’t grow up with a very “ornate” church experience. There was surprisingly little stained glass in the car wash we held church in and come to think of it, the middle school we rented was completely devoid of fancy glass as well. We eventually had a piece in the church we built, but my formative years were by no means bedazzled.

But for some reason, I miss stained glass. I miss the artwork of it and the way it feels like God’s sunlight brings it to life. At the same time though, I love my uber modern church, North Point. When Steve Fee is on stage just destroying it and lasers are going off and a light show is bursting, I feel connected to a genuine worship experience. But is it possible to have it both ways? To marry stained glass with lasers? Old with new? Traditional with rocktastical?

I hope so, because if I ever officially open my church, iGracePointeLifeTruthHouseNorthRiverElevate, that’s what I plan to do. Here are a few things you might enjoy when you come visit:

1. Hymnal wrapped Kindles
I’ve been very open and honest about my affection for the smell of old hymnals. But I also love technology. So instead of having hymnals or Bibles in my church, we’re going to buy Amazon Kindles, the electronic book readers, and wrap them in old hymnal covers. You’ll get the feel of the old cover, the alluring smell of sweaty hands and singing, while still having instant Wi-Fi access to every song and version of the Bible ever written.

2. Hologram ministers
During the election, CNN played around with the idea of holograms by “beaming” a member of the Black Eyed Peas into their studio. (Which is perfect because my wife and I had just been saying to ourselves, “I understand the election, but has anyone gotten some feedback from what the Black Eyed Peas are thinking right now?”) My plan is to have some of our sermons delivered via hologram. But instead of the aerodynamic grey leotards every movie about the future seems to believe we’ll wear, a joke Seinfeld first made, I’m going to outfit our ministers in those baby blue suits that every minister from the 1970s had. That way, if you’re in the crowd and you’re freaking out about the hologram, you can take some comfort in the fact that a good old traditional suit is still onstage. And if you hate the suit, you can take comfort in knowing that at any point we might beam the minister into the seat next to you just to blow your mind. That’s just the kind of church we’ll be.

3. Organ driven laser shows
The other day at the store, my five-year-old daughter L.E. changed the setting on a synthesizer to “organ” and started wailing away in the middle of the store. My first thought was, “whoa, who’s playing the church?” An old school organ just sounds like church to me, but I do love some lasers. So I’m remixing the two. Each organ key or pedal or pipe or whatever it is organists play will be tied to a different color laser. Just like in the movie Goonies, each note you press will cause an instant, wild reaction. And we’re going old school and getting a blue haired old woman to handle the organ duties, but fear not, she’ll be rocking a faux hawk and some white pumas.

4. Stained Glass Kid Tags
At North Point, I get a laminated number card when I drop off my kids at Sunday School. At one of the LifeChurch campuses they print out a sticker. I think those are great, but instead of those options, I’m going to have an artisan with a really big monocle create a credit card sized stained glass picture of your kid. We’ll hand you that when you drop them off. It might take a little longer, like four or five months to actually drop off your kid for Sunday School, but we’ll just feed them goldfish while they wait and tell you that patience is a virtue.

5. Make it Rain Offering Baskets
I grew up with woven offering baskets. They had holes in them so that if you put coins in they would fall to the floor loudly and we could all judge whoever was shortchanging sweet baby Jesus. I’m kidding, we didn’t do that. We just thought, if a basket was good enough for sweet baby Moses, it’s good enough for our offering. I’m kidding again, we didn’t say that. (Weird that both of those tangents involved sweet babies. Odd.) I see a lot of different approaches to offering these days. The box at the back, the plastic bowl, the offering plate. Those aren’t for me because I’m bringing baskets back. Only I’m going to combine them with the ever fun activity of “making it rain.” (I believe the technical definition of “make it rain” is “to lavishly throw money about when you are up in the club like it’s your birthday.”) You’ll still be able to give the normal way when we pass the small offering basket, but if you’re feeling a little hip hop, there will be a huge basket in the corner of the room where you can make it rain and throw your cash in like Diddy.

Up until idea number five, I was beginning to think it might be a little expensive to open iGracePointeLifeTruthHouseNorthRiverElevate, but I think the make it rain offering basket is going to be a huge draw.

Is there anything I missed in my desire to create the most old school postmodern traditional relevant worship experience ever?

What would you add?

Remix – #54. Halloween Hating

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Last year, at the first house we visited on Halloween night, my two year old daughter McRae walked inside the minute the door was opened. Before the 75 year old man at the door could react, she had juked passed him and was deep into his living room exploring the place.

In her defense, Halloween is kind of confusing. For 364 days of the year we tell her not to accept candy from strangers. Then on Halloween, we dress her up as a big blue M&M and encourage her to use her hand as some sort of crane device to pick up the maximum payload possible when strangers offer her buckets of treats to choose from.

It would be a lot simpler if our church had a Halloween alternative event. They’re pretty popular these days and come in a variety of shapes and colors. Some churches hold fall festivals or harvest hayrides or Trunk and Treat, an event that combines both strangers with candy and a place usually best suited for a spare tire. I think those are great. I appreciate that different Christians handle the whole trick or treat thing in different ways. But since my dad, a minister, a church planter, a former member of the executive committee of the Southern Baptist Convention took us trick or treating, I don’t have much experience with Halloween alternative events. (Sorry to throw you under the Halloween bus dad, but that’s what you get for making me be a “hobo” for 6 years running, a costume that involves wearing old clothes and charcoal from the grill. Easiest/worst costume ever.)

I was going to create my own version of a Halloween alternative event, complete with a fantastical acronym and name. (In the original post I actually named my event “Junk in the Trunk” because I figured I could hire Sir-Mix-A-Lot because he needs the money.) But then I got an email from my friend Bryan about a Halloween event he went to as a child at the First Christian Church of Hixville. (He runs the great site Prayers for Blowouts.) I was instantly reminded that fact is stranger than fiction and that you readers are funnier than me. Want to guess what the name of the event was?

HATCH

On the surface that is probably a B- idea. I mean at least they named it after something car trunk related. I didn’t think it was that awesome until he told me what it stood for.

Hixville’s
Alternative
To
Carnal
Halloween

I heart that. If that was a bumper sticker I would mail a Self Addressed Stamped Envelope to request one. I would dress up as David or Samson (no one ever goes as Enoch) and go to that event in about 2 seconds. I would expect to eat some “alternative oreos” that didn’t get eaten at VBS and drink forearm-stirred orange drink and use the smoke machine the youth minister tricked the church into getting and sing Friends are Friends Forever when the whole thing was over. That’s just how I get down.

How about you? Are you going trick or treating tonight?

Are you going to a Halloween alternative event tonight at a church?

What are your plans for Halloween?

Remix #41. Making music that is impossible to exercise to

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I listen to sermons while exercising.

I know that sounds so Christian it probably makes your teeth hurt, but it’s true. For the last month, whenever I’ve gone jogging, I’ve listened to a sermon on my iPod.

Prior to that, my exercise playlist was a grab bag of songs like this:

Freedom – Rage Against the Machine
B.O.B. – Outkast
Big Casino – Jimmy Eat World
Clubbed to Death – (Kurayamino Variation) – Rob Dougan
Big in Japan – Alphaville
When Doves Cry – Prince

But a few weeks ago my good friend Brannon told me that listening to sermons helps distract him from the distance limits his mind tries to put on his jogging. He can go for longer runs when he’s engaged in listening to a sermon. And it pours truth into him while he exercises. It sounded weird at first, but I downloaded a few podcasts from Erwin McManus, Craig Groeschel and Francis Chan and tried it.

I love it now. It’s turned my evening exercise into this unexpected moment of teaching. Don’t get me wrong, songs like Clubbed to Death and Hysteria by Muse are still the jam, but it’s hard to argue that I’m not getting more out of listening to a sermon than I am the Armand Van Helden remix of “Toxic” by Britney Spears. (I know, I know, not only am I a horrible Christian for having that song on my iPod but I’ve got ridiculously mediocre taste in music as well. Both things are issues. God’s working on the first one but I think He’s given up on my taste in music.)

The other reason I dig the sermons is that I’ve always felt that Christian music is not the greatest exercise music. When I first posted that idea a few months ago, people came up with some suggestions like Family Force 5 and Skillet but I don’t think we ended up with a definitive exercise playlist though.

So what’s on yours?

What Christian music is good to exercise to?