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3 ways to avoid getting tricked into volunteering for VBS.

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VBS

Lean in close, I don’t have much time to tell you this idea and if they catch us, we’re both in trouble. Even as I speak, zig zag scissors are cutting construction paper, glue sticks are being rolled up, angry badgers are being jammed into bags and colorful thumbtacks are being counted. We’re on the cusp of Vacation Bible School season, which is why I’m reposting this idea. In the next few weeks, the Swiss Army Knife Volunteers that run VBS are going to be recruiting new helpers.

If you want to do that, great. Have at it. Noah’s Ark the summer away my friend. But if you don’t want to volunteer, if you’ve got flannel graph phobia, keep a sharp eye out for these important signs:

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Father Abraham had many sons – the VBS Mix Tape

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I hate advertising.

On some levels I love it because it’s what I do for a living and it’s what enables me to buy Clifford the Big Red dog products for my daughters. But on other levels I hate it, and the commercial for the Kidz Bop CD reminded me of that.

Kidz Bop is a CD with popular top 40 songs sung by 10-year olds. I’m cool with the idea of kids singing, my 3-year old daughter loves to sing in the car, but the songs they put on these albums are clearly not written for little kids. Take these lyrics from Hinder’s “Lips of an Angel” a song on Kidz Bop volume 11. It’s a heartwarming, childhood favorite about getting a phone call from an ex-lover while your current lover is in the other room:

Well, my girl’s in the next room. Sometimes I wish she was you. I guess we never really moved on. It’s really good to hear your voice saying my name. It sounds so sweet. Coming from the lips of an angel. Hearing those words it makes me weak. And I never wanna say goodbye. But girl you make it hard to be faithful, with the lips of an angel.

What 10-year old can’t relate to that song? What 10-year old hasn’t cheated on his girlfriend a time or two? You know how it is. You’re on the slide on the playground, your lady is playing hopscotch and an old flame winks at you from the swing set. What’s a kid to do? Thankfully Hinder and Kidz Bop have prepared you for this moment and upon taking a long, hard pull from a cold chocolate milk, you can stare off into the distance and wistfully say in a voice that hasn’t gone through puberty yet, “Girl you make it hard to be faithful with the lips of an angel.” (There’s some debate about whether Kidz Bop modifies the lyrics on their version, but regardless of how you tweak it, at the core it’s still a song about sex.)

I wish I could punch Kidz Bop in the face. But I can’t because it’s just a CD and that would look weird to see me in a parking lot just punching a CD over and over. What I can do though is make an amazing VBS mix tape for my daughters. That way when we sitting on 22s and rolling through the drive thru at Chick-fil-A the cops won’t catch us riding dirty and we can bring the new flava in ya ear like Craig Mack. (Whoa, that sentence was raptastic!)

Here are the three key song categories you need to keep in mind when it comes to a great VBS mix tape:

1. War themed songs
I’ve written about this before, but what can I say, we love teaching our four-year olds some military-flavored songs. My favorite two are probably “God’s Army” and “Onward Christian Soldier.” I like God’s Army because it gets specific and actually mentions things like the infantry. I dig Onward Christian Soldier despite it kind of sounding like something that might have been sung during the Crusades.

2. Size and dimension songs
We absolutely love measurement songs. From “Deep and Wide” to “My God is so big” we can’t get enough of songs that speak to the size of things. Think I’m wrong? How about the song that says, “Zaccheus was a wee little man.” It’s probably one of my three favorite children songs that focus on someone’s lack of height.

3. Happy happy joy smile songs
A lot of Christian children songs are like sunshine deep fried in cotton candy served on a plate made of sugar and rainbows. That is, they are happy. From “Joy, joy down in my heart” to “this little light of mine” we bring the happy when we sing. Even things like the flood that killed most of mankind gets the smile treatment. How can you be depressed about the cleansing of the planet when you sing, “God told Noah there’s going to be a floody, floody.” I think Donald Miller talked about that in Blue Like Jazz. And on a side note, adding a “y” to the end of any word makes it a little happier. Flood becomes floody, which is makes it kind of feel silly. Maybe next time I get fired, I’ll say I got “firedy.”

Those are the three key categories, but I promise I have left out one or two. What about “He’s got the whole world in His hands” or “the B.I.B.L.E., yes that’s the book for me?” I hope you’ll share your favorite song but remember, the greatest VeggieTales song ever is “the Cheeseburger Song.” That’s not opinion, that’s fact.

What song would you add to the mix?

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Getting tricked into volunteering for VBS.

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Lean in close, I don’t have much time to tell you this idea and if they catch us, we’re both in trouble. Even as I speak, zig zag scissors are cutting construction paper, glue sticks are being rolled up, angry badgers are being jammed into bags and colorful thumbtacks are being counted. We’re on the cusp of Vacation Bible School season, which means that in the next few weeks, the Swiss Army Knife Volunteers that run VBS are going to be recruiting new helpers.

If you want to do that, great. Have at it. Noah’s Ark the summer away my friend. But if you don’t want to volunteer, if you’ve got flannel graph phobia, keep a sharp eye out for these important signs:

1. If someone with glitter on their clothes approaches, do not make eye contact.
This is the easiest way to escape VBS volunteering. Just avoid anyone that shimmers in an unnatural way. If you get even the slightest hint of a glimmer radiating from someone, they’ve been exposed to VBS glitter and are about to infect you too. Beware.

2. If someone asks you what your summer is going to be like, answer “busy.”
“That’s weird,” you’ll think to yourself, “Miss Brenda sure seems interested in how my family is spending our summer all of the sudden.” That’s not a pleasant conversation you’re having, that’s a fact finding mission the VBSeratti has sent Miss Brenda on. They’re just prepping for the “ask.” If they know you’re going to be available this summer, when they ask you to volunteer, you won’t be able to make your schedule the fall guy, “Oh, I would love to, but I’ve got some date conflicts.” Don’t over share where and what you’ll be up to this summer, just say, “I’ll be busy.”

3. Don’t fall for the “I guess my wife signed us up” technique.
Guys, sometimes we get voluntold. That happens. Our wives will tell someone that we’d love to help out and then later will let us know we’ve been voluntold to lead Sunday School for 4 year olds. But don’t assume that’s what has happened when a VBS recruiter talks to you. If they say, “What classroom should I put you down for this summer in VBS,” don’t assume that means your wife already signed you up. Maybe she hasn’t and if you automatically respond, “I guess third grade?” The recruiter’s trap will have been sprung and they’ll say, “Oh that’s great! You’re volunteering this year? Thank you so much.”

I could go on and on, but I think I smell bootleg cookies and orange drink. That can only mean one thing, they’ve found me. The next time we meet, I’ll probably be covered with glitter and will be trying to pry out details about what you’re doing this summer. Ignore my questions and flee.

Save yourself.

It’s too late for me.

Don’t look back.

Just go, just go.

Question:
Are you volunteering for VBS this year?

Boys vs. Girls Tithing

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I know the Bible says we should give with a cheerful heart, but maybe that was a mistake. Maybe all along Jesus meant we should give with a “competitive heart.” I hope that’s what He was thinking because few things are as fun as a boys vs. girls give-a-thon.

Chances are you’ve never been involved in one of these. Maybe your church gave out those banks that were shaped like loaves of bread in Sunday School. Or you had a small little woven basket you passed around after you colored with “prang crayons” instead of Crayola and before you ate goldfish crackers. But a few of you know exactly what I’m talking about. A few of you participated in an old school boys vs. girls give-a-thon.

Most of the time these competitions were held during Vacation Bible School and the concept was simple: Let’s see which gender loves Jesus more, as evidenced by the amount of money they turn in. I probably oversimplified it, but that’s the gist.

Some churches used pink and blue buckets to gather the loot. Others had jars with “boys” and “girls” scrawled on them, but my favorite is when a church would do the “Biggest Loser” approach.

I don’t know if you’ve ever seen that show but it’s a weight loss competition in which individuals or couples compete against each other to lose the most weight possible. Spurred on by Bob, a tattooed trainer with a past, and Jillian, the only human more intense than Craig Groeschel, contestants are weighed on a massive scale each week to track their progress. Oddly enough, that’s how things were done at my friend Beth’s church.

During VBS, her church would bust out gigantic wooden scales that you could hang buckets on. Each day, boys and girls would try to bring in the heaviest change possible. At the end of the week, the weight would be totaled and then the gender with the heaviest donation would win a … I’m not sure what they would win actually.

Beth didn’t put that part of the story in her comment, but if that happened at the church I’m starting, iGracePointeLifeTruthHouseNorthRiverElevate, the winners would get to spend the loser’s money. On puppies and Ferris Wheel rides and suspenders made of licorice. Then the second place team, probably the boys, would have to watch a bunch of girls enjoy licorice suspenders and Ferris Wheel rides and in their hearts they’d think, “You’ve taught me a lesson, Honorable Reverend Acuff, you surely have. From this moment on, I’m going to be like that widow with the mite. Whatever a mite is.”

Doesn’t that sound fantastic?

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Final Performance Night at VBS

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Vacation Bible School month is coming to an end at Stuff Christians Like and since it’s Friday, so are a lot of VBS programs. Which can only mean one thing, final performance night!

When you are a little kid, final performance night at VBS is like the Grammy’s, the Oscars and the World Cup all rolled into one. It is exciting and terrifying and fun and sweaty all at once. Understanding that, I thought it would be good to do a simple “things I hope happen for you” at this year’s final performance night:

1. I hope you don’t sing about “Ikeaus”
My wife and I sometimes shop at IKEA in Atlanta. If you’ve never been, IKEA is a massive contemporary Swedish furniture store. My daughters love it because they sell the child’s version of crack, AKA cinnamon rolls. They eat one and then just bounce their way through hip couches and lamps and tables. But when my four year old L.E. learned the song “Zaccheus was a wee little man,” she thought it was “Ikeaus” and proceeded to sing “Ikeaus was a wee little man” at the top of her lungs. Here’s hoping your kids don’t sing a tribute song to a guy that apparently started a furniture chain.

2. I hope nothing falls from the ceiling.
We can’t resist bringing some part of the VBS theme into the sanctuary. Whether that is hanging a canoe from the ceiling for “Rapids of Faith” or putting a giant beaker for the “Power Lab” series by the stage, we will let you know clearly what we have been learning all week. My hope is that you will use more rope than you need to secure your props to the ceiling. Because a canoe to the head is no way to get a parent to come back to your church.

3. I hope the sales pitch for your church is soft.
It’s tough, I know it is. You’ve sent home little Jesus craft projects all week that have hopefully raised some good questions but now is your chance to witness to parents that don’t go to your church. Go slow, you don’t need to cover the entire Bible, every ministry your church offers and every possible reason someone should attend all in one night.

4. I hope any animal performers will not bite anyone.
This seems like a good place for a worship eagle joke but I am trying to limit myself to one a week and I think I already used one. But every now and then, because you have to pull out all the stops for final performance night, someone that owns an iguana or trained doves (“wings of mercy”) will come do a little show. They’re going to use the bathroom on the stage, that’s kind of every animal’s dream, but hopefully no one will get bit.

5. I hope the performers will not mutiny.
I need to remix the Psalty post, but one thing I did mention in the original was that one year the director’s teenage son was forced to play the role of Psalty. He hated it and invested a tremendous amount of bile and anger in his interpretation of that big blue song book. It was kind of like watching Hannah Montana car jack someone. It just made no sense to see something so inherently happy be so ferociously disinterested. I hope you have better luck.

6. I hope you go easy with the numbers game.
A great way to confirm a parent’s belief that your church only cares about numbers is to over celebrate the number of kids that came to VBS and the number of kids that were saved. Please don’t read this as “Jon hates when kids give their lives to God.” Not at all. I just think that it needs to be about relationship, not only a number. A church near me had a sign that said “VBS – 1,200 kids, 432 saved!” Again, the heart of that is great, but the sign felt like it should say “That’s a 33% success rate in Fiscal Quarter 2. Be careful, parents might not dig thinking “yay, my kid was #234 at your Christian factory.”

I have other hopes, but I would rather hear yours. And I tried Krav Maga last night, which is an Israeli based martial arts/self defense system and I am fairly certain that my right arm is figuring out the best way to fall off right now.
So what your hopes for the final performance night at VBS?

Those wacky VBS themes.

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I have a few friends at one of the largest Christian bookstores on the planet. They produce a lot of the Vacation Bible School materials that most churches use. I’ve never asked them how they come with their VBS themes, but I am fairly certain they would have to kill me if they told me.

I think there is a secret bunker 10 stories below the earth’s crust that serves as the command center for the VBS Theme Team. Once a year, the magic rings they all wear start glowing and they know it’s time to travel as fast as they can to the hidden lair to create new themes.
And getting there is not easy. You have to throw away a copy of Harry Potter, the Da Vinci Code and the Golden Compass in an unmarked trash can. An unmarked van will then throw a bag over your head and spirit you away. They blast Carman music on the ride so you are disoriented and make you eat bootleg cookies for energy. When you finally get there, you have to walk through a long cave using one of those candles they give you at the Christmas Eve service as your only source of light.
Once inside, you find yourself in a room with 6 other people (you make person #7 which is God’s favorite number by the way). On the wall, you find the acceptable VBS categories:
1. Water
You might be in the middle of Ohio, but we want you to feel like you are floating in an veritable ocean of awesome. Real themes include “WaterWorks Park, Tropical Luau, Outriggers Island, Beach Party.”
2. Wild West
It’s buckaroo time. We love cactus. And the desert and gila monsters and cowboy hats and spurs and horses. If you listen closely, you can almost hear God whisper, “don’t eat the glue at VBS” when tumbleweed rolls by on the high and lonesome sandy plains. Popular themes include, “Cactus Canyon and Rancho Avalancha.”
3. Power
I need to do a post on those weightlifting speakers called something like “Team Nitro,” but in the meantime, power is one of our favorite things to explore at VBS. I kind of hope that when I open my church, an energy drink maker will sponsor VBS. And if they do, I might have to use one of these real themes, “PowerZone Sports Camp, Power Lab or Chosen Champions for Jesus.”
4. Pun-tastic
The other day while scooping a massive vat of beets for a charity project, I said something like, “Man, nothing beets serving others.” That is horrible, so by no means do I criticize VBS for using puns. But I have to mention them. This year’s batch includes “SonWorld Adventure Park and Son Harvest County Fair.”
5. Curve Ball
This is the category I love the most, where we just come up with something wild that doesn’t make a ton of sense at first glance, but is still honestly fun to little kids. One this year is “Holyland Adventure: Jerusalem Marketplace.” I’m sure they are using that word differently than me, but “marketplace” makes me feel like I might be making bracelets all week to be sold at the final VBS evening event. And who can forget the bayou themed “Crocodile Dock, where fearless kids shine God’s light.” Because swimming with Christian crocodiles in the swamp is … I got nothing. But my favorite this year is Dino Detectives, which I think is a cross between Encyclopedia Brown and Jurassic Park and the show CSI. Wouldn’t it be awesome if one of the dinosaurs kept taking off his sunglasses like David Caruso does on that show and said things like, “This t-rex wanted to be an all star, but in this pit, it looks like he became an ‘all-tar.'”
I am honestly thrilled that creative folks out there are figuring out new ways to connect kids like mine to God and the Bible. From Crocodile Dock to the desert and “Walk it Out” and back again, kudos to you for some great work.
If I ever do have a church, our VBS is probably going to be called “Bounce.” I’ll outfit all the kids with those big balls you can crawl inside and roll around in. I’ll throw a Bible inside and some goldfish snacks and probably some glitter. Then we’ll just roll them around for a solid week. They might not come home with a Popsicle stick craft, but when else in your life will you be able to spend a solid week inside the safe, fun confines of a big rubber ball, bouncing down hills, eating treats and reading the Bible? That’s weird, isn’t it?

Torturing the janitor during VBS.

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I was a mailman one summer. I was a carny for a few hours until they fired me. I worked at a convenience store. I delivered papers. I sold shaved ice from a cart. I have done many weird and wonderful jobs in my life, but one thing I have never been is a janitor.

Facilities coordinator. Building manager. Custodial artisan. Whatever you want to call it, I have not worked as a janitor. I have a lot of respect for what they do. It is an often thanks-less job. It is the kind of work that when done well goes unnoticed and when done less than perfectly brings loads of criticism.

The worst week in the life of a janitor has to be Vacation Bible School. I say that because this is the week where the number one nemesis of the janitor, children, is increased exponentially. This is the week where we try new things with glue. Where we bring in petting zoo animals and big blow up toys and a million other things. It must be a nightmare.

Since this is VBS week for a lot of people I thought it might be nice to do a small, mildly sarcastic tribute to the janitors around the world that keep our churches moving along smoothly. That said, here are the five phrases that every janitor should never, ever want to hear from someone at church:

1. “Do you have anything that will get that out?”
The specific “that” doesn’t matter a whole lot, does it? Some substance has permeated some surface and a church member or staff member is asking if you can get it out. You have an arsenal of chemicals and solvents. You are like Batman with the utility belt. You can remove anything, the black from coal if you wanted to. But although the answer to this question is inevitably “yes,” it’s still not fun to hear.

2. “How many snakes do you think are in kudzu?”
I know a guy named Jarrett. He is creative and funny. One time he wanted to cut down a bunch of kudzu and put it on the stage at church. (Kudzu is a big, leafy vine that grows like crazy in Georgia.) I forget what message he wanted the kudzu to connect to, but the facility manager eventually talked him out of it because of the potential bugs and critters and snakes that might be lurking in the kudzu.

3. “It’s just glitter.”
Glitter is what is known as a “craft rabbit.” OK, it is only known to me that way, but let me explain. Glitter, much like a rabbit, has the unbelievable ability to multiply. When you drop a handful of glitter on the floor, don’t be surprised when three handfuls somehow magically appear. When a whole container is spilled during VBS, don’t be surprised when you see pink and blue and silver glitter for the next decade at church.

4. “I used to think that chain reaction vomiting was an urban legend.”
Group vomiting is really an activity best suited to youth group but occasionally this happens in Sunday School or even Vacation Bible School. One person gets sick and then the next person sees them and gets sick and then so on and so on. Fear not though, janitors have secret vomit clean up powders in secret closets you didn’t even know existed. I’m not sure they still use this stuff, but when I was a kid, janitors had bags of treated sawdust they would throw down when someone threw up. I probably did not become a carpenter because I can’t see sawdust without smelling throw up. That and the “nightstand incident” but I’m not ready to talk about that.

5. “We’re not sure how it got up there. But hopefully you’re not afraid of heights.”
Helium is not very expensive. This is great news for youth groups. This is bad news for janitors. I know it’s probably not true, but sometimes it feels like some youth ministers play a game I like to call “rafter rock.” It’s a simple game, you just try to put as many items as possible into the rafters or roof of your church as possible. Balloons, balls, Frisbees, anything and everything is eligible. You leave them up there as long as you can until the senior pastor finally complains. Then you call the janitor and say, “We’re not sure how it got up there. But hopefully you’re not afraid of heights.”

If you have a janitor that has stood boldly before the onslaught of VBS and survived, please print this out like they did for the cleaning person in the British version of the Office. Whoa, two Office references in a row. Three makes it a problem worth intervening. I’ll keep you posted.

Eating the homemade VBS play doh

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During the mid 1980s, our fair nation went through a Play Doh shortage. The countries that typically supply it to us banded together and jacked up the price. It was a dark time and many a star-shaped extruder went unused that summer.

Despite the raging crisis, churches decided to still hold Vacation Bible School. It was a bold move, a stand against tyranny, but they knew that without VBS, the Play Doh terrorists had already won. Unfortunately, VBS without Play Doh is like Oreos without milk. It just didn’t make sense. So a team of moms, started what they called the “Manhattan Project.” They locked themselves in a kitchen and created a homemade version of Play Doh.

What would emerge from their experiments would save VBS. It was soft, squishy and pliable. The colors were not as bright or as vibrant as the original Play Doh and it always seemed to be brownish or gray, but kids across the country loved it. There was only one problem. It was also delicious. For some reason, it was very salty and almost impossible to resist eating. I personally ate it and found it to be very similar to what I imagine eating a wet bag of potato chips would be like.

Times are different now. Kids today have real Play Doh and the delicious homemade variety is the stuff of legend. But I promise you, for one summer, the world stood still as Tupperware dish after Tupperware dish was emptied out onto a table in a moment of jubilation that will not soon be forgotten.

(This is the only scenario I could imagine giving birth to homemade Play Doh. Which I did eat and would eat again if given the chance.)

Father Abraham had many sons – the VBS mix tape

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I hate advertising.

On some levels I love it because it’s what I do for a living and it’s what enables me to buy Clifford the Big Red dog products for my daughters. But on other levels I hate it, and the commercial for the Kidz Bop CD reminded me of that.

Kidz Bop is a CD with popular top 40 songs sung by 10-year olds. I’m cool with the idea of kids singing, my 3-year old daughter loves to sing in the car, but the songs they put on these albums are clearly not written for little kids. Take these lyrics from Hinder’s “Lips of an Angel” found on Kidz Bop volume 11. It’s a heartwarming, childhood favorite about getting a phone call from an ex-lover while your current lover is in the other room:

Well, my girl’s in the next room. Sometimes I wish she was you. I guess we never really moved on. It’s really good to hear your voice saying my name. It sounds so sweet. Coming from the lips of an angel. Hearing those words it makes me weak. And I never wanna say goodbye. But girl you make it hard to be faithful, with the lips of an angel.

What 10-year old can’t relate to that song? What 10-year old hasn’t cheated on his girlfriend a time or two? You know how it is. You’re on one slide on the playground, your lady is playing hopscotch and an old flame winks at you from the swing set. What’s a kid to do? Thankfully Hinder and Kidz Bop have prepared you for this moment and upon taking a long, hard pull from a cold chocolate milk, you can stare off into the distance and wistfully say in a voice that hasn’t gone through puberty yet, “Girl you make it hard to be faithful with the lips of an angel.” (There’s some debate about whether Kidz Bop changes the lyrics on their version, but it doesn’t matter it’s still a song about sex.)

I wish I could punch Kidz Bop in the face. But I can’t because it’s just a CD and that would look weird to see me in a parking lot just punching a CD over and over. What I can do though is make an amazing VBS mix tape for my daughters. That way when we sitting on 22s and rolling through the drive thru at Chick-fil-A the cops won’t catch us riding dirty and we can bring the new flava in ya ear like Craig Mack. (Whoa, that sentence was raptastic!)

Here are the song categories you need to keep in mind when it comes to a great VBS mix tape:

1. War themed songs.
I’ve written about this before, but what can I say, we love teaching our four-year olds some military-flavored songs. My favorite two are probably “God’s Army” and “Onward Christian Soldier.” I like God’s Army because it gets specific and actually mentions things like the infantry. I dig Onward Christian Soldier despite it kind of sounding like something that might have been sung during the Crusades.

2. Size and dimension songs.
We absolutely love measurement songs. From “Deep and Wide” to “My God is so big” we can’t get enough of songs that speak to the size of things. Think I’m wrong? How about the song that says, “Zaccheus was a wee little man.” It’s probably one of my three favorite children songs that focus on someone’s lack of height.

3. Happy happy joy smile songs
A lot of Christian children songs are like sunshine deep fried in cotton candy served on a plate made of sugar and rainbows. That is, they are happy. From “Joy, joy down in my heart” to “this little light of mine” we bring the happy when we sing. Even things like the flood that killed most of mankind gets the smile treatment. How can you be depressed about the cleansing of the planet when you sing, “God told Noah there’s going to be a floody, floody.” I think Donald Miller talked about that in Blue Like Jazz. And on a side note, adding a “y” to the end of any word makes it a little happier. Flood becomes floody, which is makes it kind of feel silly. Maybe next time I get fired, I’ll say I got “firedy.”

4. One love
Two of the most popular kid songs are “Jesus Loves Me” and “Jesus Loves the Little Children.” That second one is funny to me and reminds me of something my daughter said. One day she came home from school and innocently said, “I had a fun time playing with that girl with the brown face on the playground.” She was referring to an Indian friend and was being four, not racist. That’s kind of what happened with the song “Jesus Loves the Little Children.” It’s got a verse that says, “Red and yellow, black and white, they’re all precious in His sight.” (The first site google returns if you search “Jesus loves the little children lyrics” lists the words the way I originally had it in this post.) Yikes, not the most politically correct verse, but I am sure there’s a remix out there that cleans that up.

Those are the four key categories, but I promise I have left out one or two. What about “He’s got the whole world in His hands” or “the B.I.B.L.E., yes that’s the book for me?” I hope you’ll share your favorite song but remember, the greatest VeggieTales song ever is “the Cheeseburger Song.” That’s not opinion, that’s fact.

The senior citizen volunteers at VBS.

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My brothers were in a fraternity at North Carolina State University. As with most fraternities, they had a charity they supported. Their particular organization was an old age home. One weekend, when they went to play cards and hang out with the citizens of the nursing home, they were met with a shocking new resident. Inside the home was a greyhound. And not just any greyhound, but a retired racing greyhound.

Greyhounds can run up to 45mph per hour or roughly 43mph more than the average 80-year old man. So when my brothers went into the house, they witnessed an awkward ballet between dog and senior citizen. The dog, who I believed was named “Murray,” was whipping through the house at lightning fast speeds. Through walkers and chairs and tables, Murray streaked, perhaps reliving his professional racing days.

At one point, Murry jumped six feet in the air and landed on top of a dresser in the corner of the room. A staff worker grabbed a broom and begin yelling, “Murray, get down!” while batting at the now invigorated animal.

When my brothers visited the home the next week, Murray was no longer there.

I’m all for greyhound rescue. I’m not sure though who was the genius that decided to combine the world’s fastest dog with the world’s slowest moving people. I think however that a similar thing happens in Vacation Bible School all the time. We take small children, who are like hummingbirds in their energetic movements, and combine them with elderly volunteers.

Aww great, Jon hates old people. Not at all. If anything, I love them and want to see them safe. That’s why I am proposing three ways we can even the playing field for them:

Ways to give old people a fighting chance at VBS:

1. Weighted clothing
Sometimes I watch a show called “the dog whisperer.” One of the dog whisperers tricks is to give dogs that have too much energy a job. For example, I once saw him put a vest on a dog that was weighted down with full water bottles. In addition to slowing the dog down with the weight of the vest, they gave the dog a sense of accomplishment as he completed a task. Maybe we could do the same with kids. Maybe the crazier five-year olds could wear weighted shoes when they come to VBS. That way they would be easier to catch and less slippery.

2. Sand
It’s really hard to run around on sand and since most VBS themes seem to be water related, why don’t we fill all the classrooms with sand? We can truck in a few tons of beach. I mean the janitors aren’t going to be very happy, but chances are they hate VBS anyway.

3. Blinders
They often make horses wear blinders so that they don’t get distracted and can focus on the right things. Would it be so bad to make some blinders for kids at VBS? We can put scripture on them and call them “Bible Blinders.” That way, instead of running around all crazy with old ladies chasing them, they can focus on what’s important at VBS, like eating glue.

As you know very well, I’m a huge fan of the old. In fact, I hope to one day be old myself. In the meantime, the least I can do is suggest we make kids wear weighted vests and horse-styled blinders. Seems about right.