Last weekend, my wife and I went to Nashville. It was a lovely time full of loveliness and lovely sights that we loved. But, on the way back to Atlanta, we almost got run off the road.
Out of nowhere, a powerful, possibly haunted, vehicle stormed up behind me. I shifted over into the right lane with my cat like reflexes and let them pass on the left. Despite the 85MPH blur that drove by me, I was able to identify the most dangerous vehicle on the road …
…
I like lists. I like youth groups. (Yesterday’s youth group post was evidence of that) I also like giving free books away. So when the folks at Moody said I could give you five free copies of the book, “YOUthwork
The contest is going to be simple. Post a comment by Tuesday, August 18th with an answer to the question below to win a copy of this book by Don Pearson and Paul Santhouse. I’ll pick the five most awesome answers. Here’s the question:
What youth group related topic is still missing from Stuff Christians Like?
That’s it. Write a short comment with one idea. Write a long one with ten. This is your chance to say, “Here’s a youth group idea you’ve failed to write about yet on Stuff Christians Like.” And you could win a free book.
Ready?
What youth group related topic is still missing from Stuff Christians Like?
When I was a teenager, 89% of my energy at summer camp and church retreats was spent trying to kiss girls. “Tender Ronis” if you will. The important word to note in that first sentence is “trying.” I know this may shock many of you, but I was not a ladies man.
I would have preferred to be well behaved at camp when I was a teen but there’s a secret guild of pastor’s kids that makes you act up. They approached me when I turned 13 and informed me that as the eldest son in our family, it was my job to live up to the song “Son of a Preacher Man.” So I did what I had to do for the safety of my family. The PKG (Pastor’s Kid Guild) is a dangerous bunch. I’ve said too much.
But times have changed. I’m a dad of two little girls now that will one day go to summer camp or a church retreat. And when they do, some punk kid with a name like “Thayyne” is going to try to make purple with them. (Boys are signified as representing the color blue and girls the color pink. When they kiss, they make purple, so it’s common to hear youth ministers yelling “no making purple” at camp.)
And knowing that I can only arm my kids with so much sarcasm and Godly wisdom, I decided to create something youth ministers and leaders can use to dramatically reduce the amount of making out at camp. Taking lessons from Sun Tzu’s Art of War and Greene’s 48 Laws of Power, I have created the “Reduction Of Making Purple” Manifesto, otherwise known as the
ROMP Manifesto
1. Eliminate wartime propaganda
When Mao was fighting against the Nationalists in China, they used all sorts of propaganda to encourage their enemy to give up and join their side. Think that same thing doesn’t happen at camp? You’re crazy. The first thing you want to do is make a rule that no pants with writing on the butt can be worn.
2. Encourage bad breath
In the eighth grade I used to date a girl named Sue. After every school dance, during which boys sat sullenly on one side and girls on the other while listening to Ace of Bass, we would walk to a local pizza joint. It used to kill me when Sue would eat ranch flavored chips. Those may taste great, but it makes your breath smell like warm garbage. And white cheddar popcorn has the same effect. It tastes good but makes your fingers and your mouth smell like throw up. So instead of having a well-stocked snack table or snack booth at camp, only offer bad breath items after 5PM. Call it the “garlic pickle rule.” Don’t sell gum or mints or other things that are going to make kids’ mouths like Alpine ski resorts of freshness. Focus on things like Swiss cheese, kippered jerky and other unpleasantly-flavored delights.
3. Know your enemy
Weeks before camp or a retreat begins go over the roster of people that will be attending with your staff. Put a check by the name of everyone you think is likely to at one point kiss someone. Go ahead and put a check by any of the pastor’s kids. Don’t be fooled by the dorks either. You might think the kids playing world of warcraft 82 hours a day aren’t going to make out, but they will. As Sun Tzu says, “If you know the enemy and know yourself, your victory will not stand in doubt.”
4. Don’t create Gremlins
In the movie, “Gremlins,” the little creatures who were the star of the film got out of control if you fed them after a certain time. I look at kids and energy drinks the same way. Don’t let the kids load up on caffeine, but don’t just throw the energy drinks away. The Art of War says that “A wise general makes a point of foraging on the enemy.” Save those drinks for yourself, you’re going to need them my friend.
5. Get an informant
You need an inside man. Someone that can feed you information, like when someone is sneaking out or where the make out spots are. You’ll be tempted to play this role yourself, but don’t. Teens can spot a youth minister trying to act cool a mile away. Instead, find someone that will do the job for you if you give them an important sounding title like “assistant to the regional manager of no kissing.”
6. Master the terrain
Chances are, there are only a few places that kids could use for making purple. On the first day you get to camp, send out advance scouts. Have them analyze the area and take control of the high ground. Cabins your group isn’t using, secluded spots by the lake, tool sheds, your enemy is like water flowing to a weak spot in a dam. Go there first and create a “kiss map” so instead of trying to cover an entire camp ground at midnight when two kids go missing, you can check the five or six possible hot spots.
7. Make a sacrifice
Charles Maurice de Talleyrand was one of Napoleon’s chief advisors. When Napoleon was first sent to exile, Talleyrand knew that he would try to retake France. He felt that Napoleon would destroy the country, so he actually helped speed up Napoleon’s comeback plans. He realized that the faster he could make Napoleon fail at his plans, the less harm it would cause France. You need to do the same thing at camp. Instead of fighting the making purple issue, make it really easy for one couple to kiss and then get caught. One of the best ways to beat the enemy is to crush what scientists call their “kissing spirit.” OK, I made that phrase up, but the principle stands. Set a trap for two kids, give them a few seconds to kiss and then spring from the woods with your troops. As punishment, make them wear cow bells for the rest of camp. In addition to knowing where they are all times, you’ll show the entire camp that the teenage Kryptonite, embarrassment, awaits anyone caught.
8. Never underestimate the enemy
It’s tempting to believe in the kindness of humanity. Resist that temptation. I know people that made purple on mission trips. Another friend’s parents thought he gained 40 pounds in high school from being a big eater and didn’t suspect beer. My friend’s new car got smashed at church in the parking lot and the church member hit and run without leaving a note. As the policeman that filed the report said, “Even churches have squirrelly people.” Don’t think your kids who love sleeping in won’t set their alarms to sneak out at four in the morning. Don’t think that we won’t use a prayer walk as a chance to go make out. Don’t underestimate what we are capable of.
9. Never show your hand
When you are sharing the rules at camp, don’t reveal too many of your plans. Don’t say things like “we’ll be watching the lake shore and checking all the cabins at midnight to make sure everyone is in bed.” If you told me that as a teen, what I would have heard is, “Avoid the lake and feel free to leave your cabin three minutes after midnight.” As Sun Tzu advises, “By altering his arrangements and changing plans, the general keeps the enemy without definitive knowledge. By shifting his camp and taking circuitous routes, he prevents the enemy from anticipating his purpose.”
10. Use chemical warfare
Kids at camp should smell bad. That’s part of camp. That’s just what you do at a retreat. You should have a unique smell combination of sweat, sun tan lotion and bootleg cookies. So on day one, use chemical warfare and go around to each dorm and confiscate body sprays, colognes and perfumes. .
11. Embrace audio assaults
You might not need to confiscate Prince’s “Purple Rain” as I imagine today’s teens have not discovered this fantastic record. But google a few songs before camp starts and make sure you never hear them played in the cabins. Lil’ Wayne’s song “lollipop” for instance should be eliminated at the gate. If you want to go old school fundamental, you can light them all on fire in a awesome bonfire of judgment. A bonus benefit is that everyone will smell smoky, which fits idea #10.
There are certainly other methods that work well when it comes to reducing camp make outs. But it’s almost the weekend and I didn’t want to turn on the SCL fire hose too hard and drown folks in words at the end of the week.
Did I miss one? Some technique that will work well? Let me know.
As I’ve mentioned a few times, my dad is starting a church in Chapel Hill, North Carolina. In addition to helping him think through his blog and planning some sort of Stuff Christians Like event there this fall, I’ve also started to analyze all the critical pieces a church needs to have in place—like a youth group.
Now granted, if your mission field is retirement communities in Florida, then you probably don’t need a thriving youth ministry. You need a rascal ministry, the little scooter that I plan on owning as soon as I hit my 70s. (Have you seen that commercial? The lady drives it to the edge of the Grand Canyon and then yells at it. Is there an elderly person in the world that’s ever said, “I need some sort of scooter device with a ridiculous turning radius that can quickly deliver me to the precipice of national landmarks?”)
In addition to a wicked cool youth group room, which I laid out in detail in the Stuff Christians Like book, after reading Tyler Stanton’s “Essential Cast of a Mission Trip,” I realized there are 11 teenagers every youth group needs to be successful:
1. The guy that owns a Jeep.
When I was in high school I rotated between hating this guy and desperately wanting to be this guy. I don’t know how he got it but when I was getting dropped off by my mom in a blue Dodge Grand Caravan (wood paneling sides holla!) this guy was screaming into the parking lot in a rugged looking Jeep. I don’t care who you are, having a Jeep in high school is like having a space shuttle. Girls love the Jeep guy.
2. The kid that hates God but got forced to attend because of her parents.
Don’t try to get this girl to play any youth group games, speak up during discussions or not kick the bucket of orange drink over when no one is looking. Ugh! I wouldn’t even be here but my parents keep making me come. As soon as this girl gets her driver’s license you’ll never see her again. Or she’ll become a Christian in what is a really touching transformation process. This one could go both ways.
3. The ridiculously beautiful girl that doesn’t know it.
This girl is a lot of fun right up until the moment that you go to a camp or event where other youth groups are gathered and every guy in the tri-county region hits on her. Even though you’re not dating her and she’s told you the dreaded “you’re like a brother to me” there’s a part of you that thinks, “I wish all those guys from that other church would stop bothering Kim.” (And by bothering I mean, “making her laugh and have a good time” two things that you are apparently incapable of.)
4. One obnoxious pastor’s kid that thinks he’s a celebrity.
I need to do a whole post on pastor’s kids, but for now, let me just say that every youth group needs one who kind of thinks he’s a celebrity. He’s contextually famous, which just means a handful of people know who he is because his dad is the pastor but sometimes he acts like he’s some sort of superstar. His name may or may not have been Jon Acuff.
5. The kid that wears shorts in the winter.
You could also call this kid “the contrarian” because when everyone else zigs, he’s going to zag. Growing up in Massachusetts, there was always at least one kid that would wear shorts during the winter. It would be 10 degrees outside, he’d have a coat on and a pair of basketball shorts. Makes no sense, but then I shaved a stripe into my eyebrow a la Vanilla Ice when I was in the 9th grade so what do I know?
6. The guy that somehow got ordained at the age of 13.
You need at least one “mini-pastor” in training. The junior high doesn’t offer seminary classes, but for some reason, this guy has a deep theological understanding of all things Bible. He’s not going to be the best person to take on a late night youth group prank, but he’s going to be awesome at helping you find Biblical reasons to support why the town should forgive you for that prank.
7. The group of people you’ll talk to at youth group but pretend you don’t know at school.
I think teenagers today are more secure than I was but back in the day, there were definitely, “youth group friends” and “in the hallway at school” friends. And when they accidentally collided together before math class it was always kind of a sweaty experience. We used to have a Bible study before school when I was a freshman and we’d all walk together to our first class and then immediately when we touched our feet onto school property we scattered in the halls like acne covered marbles that didn’t know each other. Good times.
8. That dude with an acoustic guitar.
You know who you are. Stop.
9. The guy whose girlfriend goes to church, so he’s there too.
Save your PDA message for this guy, but realize that if they break up, there’s an 82% chance you’ll never see him again.
10. The cool kids from school that come to youth group for a brief period of time.
Maybe your youth group will never experience this strange phenomenon but when mine did, it was awesome. Out of nowhere someone pretty or cool decided that our church youth group was pretty or cool and started bringing all the popular kids. For about a year, youth group was amazing. Then the popular kids faded, in part due to the “Pizza Blast incident” and a wave of dorkiness spread across our youth group like a dark cloud climbing the coast of New England.
11. The kid that farts all the time.
Hate this kid. Hate getting placed on the same retreat van with him. Hate getting placed in the same cabin with him. Hate sitting near him at youth group. Still thought he was kind of funny though.
Who did I miss? It’s been 15 years since I was in youth group and I’ve probably grown out of touch and perhaps even a little rickety. Might be a storm a comin’ soon, my knee is acting up. Bring the rascal in, she hates to get wet.
What youth group stereotype did I forget?
Barry threw rocks at me.
When I walked to the dining hall in just my robe like I was some sort of 9th grade Hugh Hefner during a youth group retreat, my leader Barry threw rocks at my feet until I went back to the cabin and changed.
Barry was a bad cop youth leader.
Patty swore we could fit more people in the back of the pick up truck.
When we tried to see how many people we could cram in on the way home from youth group and yelled, “Go faster! Find speed bumps and see if we can get airborne like in the movie ‘Thrasin!,” my youth leader Patty yelled at her husband, “You heard the kids, let’s go faster!”
Patty was a good cop youth leader.
Inspired by the age old police interrogation tactic (one officer becomes your best friend, the other cop is hardnosed and in your face) the good cop/bad cop youth leader routine is a church classic. But how do you know which type of youth leader you’re dealing with? How do you know which type of youth leader you might be?
I suggest you use the Stuff Christians Like Bad Cop/Good Cop Analyserator
1. A group of youth group members are caught red handed about to pull a prank during a retreat.
A. You confiscate all their prank materials, put them in separate sleeping areas and call their parents in the middle of the night to let them know that their kids suck.
B. You tell them that what they’ve planned is a good start but they’re going to need a lot more shaving cream to get the full effect they’re going for.
2. While on a fall hayride through a scenic apple orchard, some of the students start throwing rotten apples at each other.
A. You unleash a righteous lecture on all the apple throwers that covers Eve in the garden, the insult it is to God to use His creation the apple for sport, and how there are teens in other countries that don’t have apples to eat, never mind throw.
B. You use you’re heightened adult strength and advanced wisdom to throw the apples harder and more on target than any of the students.
3. A student forgets to bring a signed parental waiver for the day at the water park.
A. You tell the student to “kick rocks” and leave them in the parking lot as you drive away to the water park without them.
B. You tell the student “We just throw those wavers into a cardboard box under the secretaries desk. Promise me you won’t sue the church and get in the van.”
4. You hear rumors that some students are sneaking out of camp at night to go to McDonald’s because the camp food is questionable.
A. You search the garbage for evidence of wrappers and use an ultra violet blue light you saw on the show CSI to search for greasy finger prints.
B. You immediately confront the teens you think are involved and place an order for a Big Mac.
5. Despite your best efforts to break down the cliques, a “cool bus” forms as you get ready to leave for a retreat.
A. You create a complicated algorithm that measures coolness and spread the cool kids out mathematically among the three vans your church has.
B. You start bringing big bags of candy in hopes that you will become the “Official Cool Van Driver.”
6. At the lock in, someone is found playing loud, non Church approved hip hop.
A. You confiscate the iPod until after the lock in is over and make the teens learn a “danceudrama” to a Carmen song.
B. You ask “Is that the new Akon? That is my jam!” and then proceed to do the worm.
7. You’re asked to give your testimony at youth group one night.
A. You treat the opportunity like one of those “scared straight” shows where they bring teenagers to jail and at least 3 people end up crying.
B. You tell your story and make references to as many teen cultural items as google could find you, at one point remarking, “I guess you could say my life was like that show ‘Gossip Girl.'”
If you answered A for most of the questions, congratulations, you’re a bad cop. I hope you’re the youth leader my daughters have when they grow up.
If you answered B for most of the questions, you’re a good cop and are probably very familiar with the phrase, “It’s better to ask for forgiveness than it is to ask for permission.”
The best youth leaders I had growing up were a hybrid of both. Able to be an adult and keep things moving in the right direction but not afraid to laugh and admit how fun a life spent with God can be.
How did you score? Were you straight A’s or straight B’s or somewhere in between? Did you have good cop or bad cop youth leaders?
What’s your favorite bad cop or good cop youth leader story?
Pranks aren’t by nature unique to Christianity. That I’m aware of, there’s no recorded history of C.S. Lewis pantsing J.R.R. Tolkien. Pranks by themselves don’t really fit the formula of this site, but apologizing after? Serving penance for a church-related prank that went horribly wrong or even horribly right? That’s us through and through.
But the truth is, you don’t need this post today. You should file it away for Thursday, the day after April Fool’s Day. If you’re going to pull some shenanigans or tom foolery or perhaps even get in a donnybrook, this Wednesday is your day. Live it up.
But after, when your youth minister or Senior Pastor or local reporter stumbles upon the prank you have perpetuated, when like Richard Marx* you realize “you should have known better” than to fit that many bees into so small a sleeping bag, you’ll be glad this post so clearly laid out the categories of prank apologies based on the terrol level color coded system the United States uses.
Category 1: Green – Low Risk Prank
Hey look at that, you stuck some forks in someone’s yard, but you didn’t break them off because that felt too mean and unChristlike. And you called a few people from church and hung up on them when they answered the phone. That’s adorable. This barely requires an apology.
Apology Required: Facebook Status Change
Change your facebook status to something like, “Sorry about the prank. Hope nobody’s feelings got hurt.” Or “Kids will be kids.”
Category 2: Blue – General Risk Prank
That’s not going to grow back. I’m just saying, when you put that much on at once, and mix it with that other thing, wow, you’re leaving a permanent impression. I mean it’s not that big, but neighbors are going to see it for at least the next six months.
Apology Required: Email
You better send the victim an email. Nothing long, just a few lines about your deep regret for your actions and how your immaturity sometimes gets the better of you and at the end of the day you both love Jesus, so no hard feelings.
Category 3: Yellow – Significant Risk Prank
Prank Elders are kind of like elephants, they never forget and I’m pretty sure that guy isn’t going to. Where do you even get those? They’re just so fast and jumpy. I’m assuming you know a guy that knows a guy, but is there any chance that guy knows a guy that can get them out of the elder’s house? It’s not going to be easy because they seem so motivated and reproductive but maybe we could smoke them out?
Apology Required: Phone Call
Forget the Internet, you’ve entered into real apology time now. Pick up the phone and be ready to outline what you did as well as the three things you learned from this tragic mistake of a prank you pulled. (If you can’t think of three things, feel free to use one of my go to lines when I’ve bombed, “Turns out I’m dumb.” I keep learning that lesson and it’s always a nice way to round out a list.)
Category 4: Orange – High Risk Prank
Yeah, but you knew it was the Senior Pastor’s house right? I’ve got to assume you did because even the youth minister was in on this one. On a positive note, at least we know the fire department can find his house. And their response time, wow! Very impressive. I told you that was highly flammable, but to hear the fire chief use the phrase “river of lava,” wow. You’re going to need to get a paper route to pay this one back or raise money online or hold a car wash at Chick-fil-A.
Apology Required: Face to Face
This goes beyond a simple phone call. You might need to hand write a note, call ahead to set up the official apology and then bring over some sort of casserole. This apology is going to be as complicated as the prank was. The general rule for a face to face apology is that you have to spend three minutes apologizing for every one minute you spent pulling off the prank. So if it took you 30 minutes to do the prank, expect 90 minutes of “sorry” in your future.
Category 5: Red – Severe Risk Prank
The community will heal. I mean we’re a very resilient group of people. We’ve faced hardship before and this, that thing you did to all of us in one fell swoop, we’ll get through that. And the cats will come back someday. They are a proud animal and probably left out of embarrassment more than anything else. They’ll come back. I know they will.
Apology Required: Speech to the Church Congregation
May God have mercy on your soul if you ever have to apologize to the whole congregation from the pulpit. I’ve never had to do this, but if you find yourself in this position, whatever you do, don’t take questions from the crowd. Don’t open the meeting up to Q&A. You are going to come out on the losing end of this one. And I’m not telling you to fake cry, but you might want to fake cry.
Hopefully this list will make April 2nd easier for all of us that decide to pull a prank on April 1st.
What’s the best prank you ever took part in?
What’s the best prank someone pulled on you?
*That’s Richard Marx reference number two for the year. I promised to make three in 2009. I’m ahead of schedule!
Pranks aren’t by nature unique to Christianity. That I’m aware of, there’s no recorded history of C.S. Lewis pantsing J.R.R. Tolkien. Pranks by themselves don’t really fit the formula of this site, but apologizing after? Serving penance for a church-related prank that went horribly wrong or even horribly right? That’s us through and through.
But the truth is, you don’t need this post today. You should file it away for Thursday, the day after April Fool’s Day. If you’re going to pull some shenanigans or tom foolery or perhaps even get in a donnybrook, this Wednesday is your day. Live it up.
But after, when your youth minister or Senior Pastor or local reporter stumbles upon the prank you have perpetuated, when like Richard Marx* you realize “you should have known better” than to fit that many bees into so small a sleeping bag, you’ll be glad this post so clearly laid out the categories of prank apologies based on the terrol level color coded system the United States uses.
Category 1: Green – Low Risk Prank
Hey look at that, you stuck some forks in someone’s yard, but you didn’t break them off because that felt too mean and unChristlike. And you called a few people from church and hung up on them when they answered the phone. That’s adorable. This barely requires an apology.
Apology Required: Facebook Status Change
Change your facebook status to something like, “Sorry about the prank. Hope nobody’s feelings got hurt.” Or “Kids will be kids.”
Category 2: Blue – General Risk Prank
That’s not going to grow back. I’m just saying, when you put that much on at once, and mix it with that other thing, wow, you’re leaving a permanent impression. I mean it’s not that big, but neighbors are going to see it for at least the next six months.
Apology Required: Email
You better send the victim an email. Nothing long, just a few lines about your deep regret for your actions and how your immaturity sometimes gets the better of you and at the end of the day you both love Jesus, so no hard feelings.
Category 3: Yellow – Significant Risk Prank
Prank Elders are kind of like elephants, they never forget and I’m pretty sure that guy isn’t going to. Where do you even get those? They’re just so fast and jumpy. I’m assuming you know a guy that knows a guy, but is there any chance that guy knows a guy that can get them out of the elder’s house? It’s not going to be easy because they seem so motivated and reproductive but maybe we could smoke them out?
Apology Required: Phone Call
Forget the Internet, you’ve entered into real apology time now. Pick up the phone and be ready to outline what you did as well as the three things you learned from this tragic mistake of a prank you pulled. (If you can’t think of three things, feel free to use one of my go to lines when I’ve bombed, “Turns out I’m dumb.” I keep learning that lesson and it’s always a nice way to round out a list.)
Category 4: Orange – High Risk Prank
Yeah, but you knew it was the Senior Pastor’s house right? I’ve got to assume you did because even the youth minister was in on this one. On a positive note, at least we know the fire department can find his house. And their response time, wow! Very impressive. I told you that was highly flammable, but to hear the fire chief use the phrase “river of lava,” wow. You’re going to need to get a paper route to pay this one back or raise money online or hold a car wash at Chick-fil-A.
Apology Required: Face to Face
This goes beyond a simple phone call. You might need to hand write a note, call ahead to set up the official apology and then bring over some sort of casserole. This apology is going to be as complicated as the prank was. The general rule for a face to face apology is that you have to spend three minutes apologizing for every one minute you spent pulling off the prank. So if it took you 30 minutes to do the prank, expect 90 minutes of “sorry” in your future.
Category 5: Red – Severe Risk Prank
The community will heal. I mean we’re a very resilient group of people. We’ve faced hardship before and this, that thing you did to all of us in one fell swoop, we’ll get through that. And the cats will come back someday. They are a proud animal and probably left out of embarrassment more than anything else. They’ll come back. I know they will.
Apology Required: Speech to the Church Congregation
May God have mercy on your soul if you ever have to apologize to the whole congregation from the pulpit. I’ve never had to do this, but if you find yourself in this position, whatever you do, don’t take questions from the crowd. Don’t open the meeting up to Q&A. You are going to come out on the losing end of this one. And I’m not telling you to fake cry, but you might want to fake cry.
Hopefully this list will make April 2nd easier for all of us that decide to pull a prank on April 1st.
What’s the best prank you ever took part in?
What’s the best prank someone pulled on you?
*That’s Richard Marx reference number two for the year. I promised to make three in 2009. I’m ahead of schedule!
Saying “let’s pray” when you really mean, “let’s make out.”
I did some crazy things in college.
I participated in a Halloween prank that got me put on social suspension for a year.
I rollerbladed down the massive grass hill in our football stadium and tore my shoulder blade up when I fell.
I danced with glow sticks at raves and wore reflective clothing that kind of made me look like a piece of mica.
I could probably unravel a list of crazy things I did during those four years, but I’m pretty sure I never used prayer as an excuse to make out. I know it happens. My friend Wendy said that at her church the prayer room was the best place to make out as a teenager after youth group because no one ever went into it. But I had no idea so many people were making out using the guise of prayer, until I asked for some ideas from readers for “Love Month.”
But maybe, like me, this whole phenomenon left you confused. Maybe you’ve never made purple when you’re supposed to be making prayer. How can you save yourself the embarrassment of showing up to pray and instead being propositioned for some make outing or making out or what ever the proper phrase is?
I think you need to look for these important signs.
Sign One: The Invitation
If my daughters ever tell me that some guy wants to get together with them alone, in the dark to “just talk,” I’m going to giggle and then say, “Oh you mean make out?” Given how many well lit spots we all have access to and how many public settings are available, if a guy ever invites you to pray behind a bush, out on the quad, at night, he’s really asking you if you’d like to make out.
Sign Two: The Ambience
If a guy or girl ever tries to establish “ambience” before you pray, you’re probably going to make out. Seriously, if a guy makes a mix tape for some background music, lights candles, dims the lights, etc. you’re not there to pray. Prayer never requires a mix tape.
Sign Three: The Prayer
Sometimes, I am guilty of “performance prayer,” which I am pretty sure God hates. Performance prayer is where you pray so that the people that are within hearing distance think you’re smart, holy, funny, interesting, any list of adjectives that have nothing to do with talking with God. I think I do it now because I don’t want you to read this blog, meet me, hear me pray and think to yourself, “This guy is not smart, holy, funny, interesting, etc.” That’s ridiculous, but if someone is going to try to prayer makeout with you, expect some flowery, tangled, prayer that was rehearsed in her dorm room first.
Sign Four: The lightning bolts from heaven
I’m kidding, God isn’t going to throw lightning bolts at you. You’ll probably get a flat tire though on the way home and you won’t have any bars on your cell phone because God laughs at cell phone towers and secretly calls them “Towers of Babble.” Or at the bare minimum you’ll get a really bad paper cut from the church bulletin next time you go.
Or, well, OK none of that is probably going to happen, because I don’t think God has a special category of frustration for the prayer makeout. I think He feels the same way about it as He does any time we use prayer for purposes other than say, prayer. Whether that’s praying at someone, “Lord, I hope that Mary, who is sitting next to me, will learn how to apologize, to people like me” or when we tell people we’ll pray for them and then don’t.
I think He wants us to be honest. If your goal is to make out, then say, “Hey, let’s make out,” instead of “Hey, let’s pray, to candlelight, while lying down on my couch, listening to Prince and then act surprised that we ended up making out.”
Saying “let’s pray” when you really mean, “let’s make out.”
I did some crazy things in college.
I participated in a Halloween prank that got me put on social suspension for a year.
I rollerbladed down the massive grass hill in our football stadium and tore my shoulder blade up when I fell.
I danced with glow sticks at raves and wore reflective clothing that kind of made me look like a piece of mica.
I could probably unravel a list of crazy things I did during those four years, but I’m pretty sure I never used prayer as an excuse to make out. I know it happens. My friend Wendy said that at her church the prayer room was the best place to make out as a teenager after youth group because no one ever went into it. But I had no idea so many people were making out using the guise of prayer, until I asked for some ideas from readers for “Love Month.”
But maybe, like me, this whole phenomenon left you confused. Maybe you’ve never made purple when you’re supposed to be making prayer. How can you save yourself the embarrassment of showing up to pray and instead being propositioned for some make outing or making out or what ever the proper phrase is?
I think you need to look for these important signs.
Sign One: The Invitation
If my daughters ever tell me that some guy wants to get together with them alone, in the dark to “just talk,” I’m going to giggle and then say, “Oh you mean make out?” Given how many well lit spots we all have access to and how many public settings are available, if a guy ever invites you to pray behind a bush, out on the quad, at night, he’s really asking you if you’d like to make out.
Sign Two: The Ambience
If a guy or girl ever tries to establish “ambience” before you pray, you’re probably going to make out. Seriously, if a guy makes a mix tape for some background music, lights candles, dims the lights, etc. you’re not there to pray. Prayer never requires a mix tape.
Sign Three: The Prayer
Sometimes, I am guilty of “performance prayer,” which I am pretty sure God hates. Performance prayer is where you pray so that the people that are within hearing distance think you’re smart, holy, funny, interesting, any list of adjectives that have nothing to do with talking with God. I think I do it now because I don’t want you to read this blog, meet me, hear me pray and think to yourself, “This guy is not smart, holy, funny, interesting, etc.” That’s ridiculous, but if someone is going to try to prayer makeout with you, expect some flowery, tangled, prayer that was rehearsed in her dorm room first.
Sign Four: The lightning bolts from heaven
I’m kidding, God isn’t going to throw lightning bolts at you. You’ll probably get a flat tire though on the way home and you won’t have any bars on your cell phone because God laughs at cell phone towers and secretly calls them “Towers of Babble.” Or at the bare minimum you’ll get a really bad paper cut from the church bulletin next time you go.
Or, well, OK none of that is probably going to happen, because I don’t think God has a special category of frustration for the prayer makeout. I think He feels the same way about it as He does any time we use prayer for purposes other than say, prayer. Whether that’s praying at someone, “Lord, I hope that Mary, who is sitting next to me, will learn how to apologize, to people like me” or when we tell people we’ll pray for them and then don’t.
I think He wants us to be honest. If your goal is to make out, then say, “Hey, let’s make out,” instead of “Hey, let’s pray, to candlelight, while lying down on my couch, listening to Prince and then act surprised that we ended up making out.”
(If you ever read the comments on Stuff Christians Like, then you know and quite possibly love Nick the Geek. He is a machine and is consistently making folks laugh and think within the SCL comment-o-sphere. I asked him to sit in today and talk about a subject I just don’t know anything about, helping teenagers decide which line of ministry to go into. Skateboards, things that are “phat” and “wicked phresh” I can do that all day. Clearly. But this one is all Nick.)
As a Youth Pastor I am tasked with helping guide teens as they choose the paths they will take into adulthood. Of course, as a minister my first thought is that all of them need to be in ministry. The problem is deciding exactly what kind of ministry God is calling them into. It is easy to plug them into Youth or Children’s ministry because they work well in those places right now, but many of them will grow up and won’t fit into those roles soon enough. One must consider the whole personality and future goals before you can accurately tell them what ministry God has called them too. To that end I have made this simple test.
Each category will have a set of yes or no questions. If you answer yes to most of those questions then you should consider that God has created you for a given ministry.
Senior Pastor
1. Do you know where the secret bathroom is?
2. Do you want to own a Cadillac?
3. Do you often get annoyed at how childish your Youth pastor acts?
4. Do you consider the church pot luck fine dining?
5. Do you own more than 5 suits?
6. Is your motto, “When two or more have gathered take up an offering?”
7. Do you have your own special version of math that involves rounding everything by large sums?
Youth Pastor
1. Do you feel that growing up is an option?
2. Is your motto, “it’s all fun and games until someone gets hurt … then it’s freakin’ hilarious?”
3. Do you dream of, or own, a motorcycle?
4. Is your idea of dressing up wearing the clothes from the clean clothes pile?
5. Is your idea of waking up early to pray involve PM?
6. Have you ever stirred orange drink with your arm?
7. Is sarcasm your native language?
Children’s Pastor
1. Do you think Youth Pastors are a bit uptight?
2. Does going to your happy place involve imagining noise that would drown out Niagara Falls?
3. Have you ever used the phrase “magic for Jesus” in a non ironic manner?
4. Have you ever been diagnosed with ADHD?
5. Do you get to bed early on Friday so you can wake up for Saturday morning cartoons?
6. Do you have the theme songs to more than 5 children’s shows memorized?
7. Do you sing them around others?
8. Is your motto, “what, I can’t hear you?”
Worship Leader?
1. Do you own more than 3 pair of Pumas?
2. Can you keep complex counts in multiples of 2s, 3s, and 4s but can’t remember how many times in a row you’ve sung a song?
3. Do you own stock in any hair product companies?
4. Do you own any pants that cost more than $100?
5. Do you like to toss “and” into random places in sentences?
6. Is your motto, “let’s sing it one more time?”
7. For guys: have you ever considered wearing women’s jeans?
8. Are you willing to fight people over dissing your style of music?
9. Are you the guy that always has a guitar?
10. During Our God is an Awesome God do you spontaneously start miming out “rolling up His sleeves?”
Evangelist
1. Is your motto, “the family that travels together sings together?”
2. Do you imagine your future wife with blue hair? (For women, do you ever secretly want to rock the blue hair look?)
3. Is your voice set permanently on LOUD?
4. Can you tell the same story 100 times?
5. Have you ever squeezed blood from a turnip?
Missionary
1. Is your motto “I’ll eat anything once?”
2. Do you speak more than one language?
3. Do you think James Bond would have made an awesome missionary?
4. Do you think sleeping under mosquito netting covered in insects as large as your fist is romantic?
5. Do you love fanny packs?
6. Do you consider indoor plumbing and electricity to be a modern annoyance?
Bonus question, if you answer yes to this then you are called to missions regardless of all previous answers: Have you ever drank the water while on a missions trip in a third world country and suffered no ill effects?
Now, since not everyone here is in fulltime vocational ministry it is up to you to decide if you are ready to finally listen to God. Maybe you have teens that need to here this so they can get into the right ministry.
Nothing is worse than ending up in the wrong ministry. Imagine being a Senior Pastor when you should have been in the mission’s field. You will be constantly searching for new and strange foods. During the middle of a sermon an insect will walk across your little tall table and instead of thinking, “we need to get the exterminator,” you will have to resist the urge to chomp down. Then you’ll look out in the congregation and find it odd that everyone is dressed from the waist up. That’s no way to live.
So figure it out now before it’s too late.
Where is God calling you? Have I missed any questions? Share your own experiences.
(For more from Nick the Geek, check out his blog.)
