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3 ways to avoid getting tricked into volunteering for VBS.

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VBS

Lean in close, I don’t have much time to tell you this idea and if they catch us, we’re both in trouble. Even as I speak, zig zag scissors are cutting construction paper, glue sticks are being rolled up, angry badgers are being jammed into bags and colorful thumbtacks are being counted. We’re on the cusp of Vacation Bible School season, which is why I’m reposting this idea. In the next few weeks, the Swiss Army Knife Volunteers that run VBS are going to be recruiting new helpers.

If you want to do that, great. Have at it. Noah’s Ark the summer away my friend. But if you don’t want to volunteer, if you’ve got flannel graph phobia, keep a sharp eye out for these important signs:

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Using Vacation Bible School as free babysitting.

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Denomination, schomenation, when our kids are out of school for the summer and we’ve suddenly got to fill eight weeks of time with activities,
we Christians like to put aside our denominational differences and bounce our kids like Ping-Pong balls around the country to different Vacation Bible School programs.

We sent our kids to three different churches last summer, in part because our church refuses to hold Vacation Bible School. One day, my daughter L.E. came home from one of the more “rural” churches we had selected for our “tour de VBS,” and I asked her what she learned that day. Her response?

“We watched The Little Mermaid movie.”

Hmm, I thought to myself, I’m not sure which part of the Bible Disney is taking that story from, but I’ve got to work all week and God did make the ocean after all and in a way, that movie is kind of similar to the Jonah story.

“Have a good time tomorrow, sweetheart.”

Do you have any good VBS stories from your kids?

(This originally appeared in the Stuff Christians Like book.  If you want to pick up a copy, click here!)

Saying goodbye to Vacation Bible School.

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Last week, it was Harry Potter. This week, we close the curtain on Vacation Bible School. Across the country, if you listen closely, you can hear glue sticks being thrown away, flannelgraphs being re-closeted, and tired volunteers breathing a sigh of relief. But before it fades, before VBS 2011 marches off into the sunset like my once proud hopes of being a professional breakdancer, I think we need to say farewell to a few people and things:

Farewell:

1. The kid who bites.
There’s always at least one biter at every VBS. His parents either think it’s “an adorable part of his personality” or are deeply mortified.

2. The serial VBS attender.
Ahh, Vacation Babysitting School. There’s always at least one kid who has been to 17 Vacation Bible Schools that summer and lets you know right off the bat “The last VBS I went to had way better snacks.”

3. Bootleg cookies.
Speaking of snacks, no farewell list would be complete without a goodbye to VBS snacks. How do you tell if you’re eating a VBS snack? Easy, it’s named as a noun. The box will just say, “Cookies,” or “Crackers,” or “Pretzels.” No adjectives, no brands.

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Getting ready for Vacation Bible School.

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One of my favorite things about the Nashville airport is that country musicians do the overhead announcements. While you’re waiting for a flight you’ll suddenly hear, “Hi, this is Blake Shelton. Please make sure you report any unattended luggage.” Or “Hi, this is George Straight. Welcome to the Nashville airport. Please don’t forget to wash your hands after using the lavatory.”

In my head, I like to pretend they recorded all those different messages at the same exact time and that it was like a cowboy version of the recording of “We are the World.” I can just imagine Garth Brooks saying, “Hey Dolly Parton, which announcement did you get? They stuck me with ‘You’re not allowed to go through security with more than three ounces of liquid.’”

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